YOU ARE ONE!

Dear Jessa,

What an exciting month October has been! Where do I even start?

On the 11th of October Daddy and I celebrated our 3 year anniversary, that day Aunt Sarah flew in from Indiana to come spend the week with you! The next day, Grandma joined Sarah and Daddy and I took our first Vacation... almost ever! We flew to Cancun Mexico and you had a blast hanging out with Grandma and A.Sarah. I hear you guys went to the Fall Festival in Summerwood, took a train ride at Old McDonald farm, you had your first snow cone, and you also took your first official steps! They claim it was towards the t.v. because "Moves Like Jagger" was playing by Adam Levine. HA! Anyway, Grandma, and A. Sarah said you were the best little girl they could have asked for, and you never even cried... unless they weren't playing with you! Thank you for being so good, it made our trip so much better knowing you were loving the attention! Daddy and I returned almost 6 days later and you broke my heart because I ran up to you in the airport and you didn't smile and didn't want to be held by me. In fact you didn't even smile until we got home and daddy and I were doing everything we could to make you crack a smile! We said sad goodbyes to them both, and soon we were trying to get back on our little schedule, switch you to whole milk and put the finalizing touch on your 1st birthday party! During the week I tried switching you over to whole milk, you weren't having it. I've never experience you so cuddly. If I wasn't holding you I would try to put you down and you would throw yourself on the floor and scream bloody murder. At first I thought, you thought I was going to leave you again, then I started realizing this happened every time I would put milk into your sippy cup. We haven't figured out what we should do since milk is hurting your tummy, so you are back on formula for the time being.

On the 27th, Uncle Zac and Aunt Jaime flew in, and on the 28th we celebrated your 1st birthday, which just so happened to be the coldest day of the year so far! We took a trip down to Galveston despite the cold weather, did some shopping, eating and picture taking and when we returned to our house Grandma and Grandpa were there waiting for us! We took you out for a snow cone (you had wedding cake flavor since it was the closest thing to birthday cake.) You sure do love snow cones!!! It was a really fun day, but the most fun was the next day when we had your big party!!! There were about 30 people that came to celebrate your first year with us! We had pizza, fruit salsa, veggies, garlic bread and CUPCAKES! Cupcakes was the theme of your party along with pink and purple, and it turned out better than I could have asked for! You got a bunch of cool toys and you LOVED LOVED LOVED your giant cupcake I made you! It was such a fun 1st birthday for you!!

I can't believe you are one year old already! You are such a wonderful little girl and make me smile everyday! You are still super independent, will walk to someone if they are cheering for you but having no interest otherwise, and you still get super excited every time you see a "dog dog!" You FINALLY said "ma,ma" this month! Your words are no up to Da-Da, Ma-Ma, and Dog-Dog. If someone asks you a question you usually response with "ya" it's hilarious!!! You often hold conversations with yourself and my most favorite thing about you is you laugh all the time! You sound like you are telling yourself jokes and then will chuckle after you are done, it's about the cutest thing in the whole world! You are super ticklish and that usually provides a good laugh as well!

What a wonderful year this has been!! I'm so excited to watch you continue to grow into a girl, a teen and finally a woman. You are so beautiful!
Love you more than words can describe!
-Mommy

Vacation

Are you a good vacationer? I'm sucking at this! I don't know how to air still and enjoy not having a thing to worry about. I'm feeling like we are wasting time just sitting around, but isn't that what you do on vacation "relax?" we are laying outside on our patio this is absolutely amazing, it's not raining anymore but everything is soaked. Nicks reading a book and I'm trying to enjoy being still and I'm totally sucking at it! 
Afterall, I do chase a non stop kid around all day, let's face it, I'm used to go go go all day long. I'm feeling so blessed to be here, so thankful that I'm finally experience vacation with my husband, I just wish my mind and body would settle down for a few days. I'm trying to enjoy the stillness, we will see where that takes me.

Vacation!!!

As Nick and I prepare to head to Cancun in 2 days, I'm starting to feel the guilt of leaving Jessa. I realize that she will not remember this trip, and I could ask for two better people to come love on her... but it's only been the 3 of us, well her whole entire life. Sure we have had visits but the longest she has been left with someone other than Nick or I, is 7 hours. Not 6 days...

Nick and I truly need this, and that's what I just keep telling myself. We have had a rough past year, but we have pushed through and hopefully after this little get-a-way, just the two of us, we will come back restored, refreshed and ready to be even more awesome parents.

Pray for all 5 of us.
Me
Nick
Jessa
Mom
& Sarah.

This WILL be a good week for all! :)

Need vs. Want

I need to write! That's it. I NEED to write. This blog needs to be of use. I absolutely love writing Jessa letters every month, but I started this blog for more than just a post of month. I want to be really honest, not care about who reads this and just let it all out. A lot easier said than done...

Maybe some other time.

Double 1's

Sweet Girl,

11 months old, TODAY! You are getting so big, and prettier every single day. Your hair has taken off, and is starting to grow and become a beautiful shade of very light brown. Your eyes are offically the exact same color as mine, and this month we have gotten probably close to 10 comments on how much we look alike. My reply is usually "guess I have to claim her huh?" Then I smile, squeeze you so tight, give you a big smooch and thank God that you are indeed my child and he choose ME to be your mom. What a special blessing!

This month was an interesting one. I feel like I should have addressed this letter to you, "Dear Poopy Pants." This month I got my first taste as what it feels like to be a mom and do this you DEFINITELY don't want to do, and you thought only happened on t.v. or to other people. I'm so happy to tell you though, we made it through and are both alive and healthy! You caught a bug from either, Church, MOPS or the Gym. Either way, it had been awhile since you had a solid poo. After two weeeks and realizing this wasn't just going to go away with time, I took you to the doctor. The doc put you on probiotics and also suggested we use a special formula for a couple of days. Both of these things took a while to settle in, and in the meanwhile I spent every single morning doing a load of your laundry, and pretty much just hosing you off. One morning I decided I would out smart you! I set me alarm so I would wake up before you, go into your room and wake you up so you didn't have time to poo before I could get to you. This plan was so brilliant! I had succeed without having to do a single item of laundry!! I figured as long as I watched you and as soon as you pooped in the morning I would just change you right away and would avoid any mess. I was pretty much on cloud 9, and was getting ready to go to the gym since I had though we were on the up swing! As I was patting myself on the back on how smart I was, I noticed you standing in your pack and play making your "poo face." I waited for a moment until I thought you were done, danced over to you because I was the smartest mom in the world thinking I'd go change you and that would be it, off to the gym! SO, I go and pick you up under the arms take two giant steps to the doorway, toss you over my hip with my arm supporting your butt........

That was all it took! Alittle pressure to the behind and a volcanic explosion went off landing all down my clean gym clothes, 1/2 on my bedroom carpet, 1/2 on the tile floor (which ended up splashing up to the closet door) and of course all over you front. back. sides. You name it, it was EVERYWHERE! I did what every logical mom would do in this situation. I froze and wondered if I had just encountered a nightmare of if this was in fact real life, and just really happened. That's when the smell hit me and I realize this was indeed real life and I should probably figure out what to do next. Well, Jessa! You got your first sink bath that day. You were a bit too small for my bathroom sink but we made it work and you even got soaped up with Bath and Body Works "Fresh Picked Apples" antibacterial soap. It probably didn't help your bleeding diaper rash that you bathed with such a harsh soap, but a girls got to do what a girls got to do. I stripped down, got you cleaned up, clothed and put you in your jumper to play while I got to work. So after trying to bypass doing a load of poopy laundry that day, I not only got to do that load of laundry but I also got to scrub the carpet, mop the tile and clean my entire bathroom. :) I should probably tell you that even after all this, I still love you! hahaha

Moving on. WE WENT TO THE ZOO 2 days ago!

It was our first family outing that we had planned specifically for you. We had been watching Animal Planet all week and you were just going nuts over all the different animals. You had been in a funking mood the day we went, and it didn't help that daddy and I had a few errands to run before we got there so you were a bit sleepy. We saw pretty much every animal, but it was so hot they weren't really moving around much. We got to fed a giraffe, that was so neat! And you got to pet a goat which you loved alot! Other than that you liked looking at the Sea Lions, and the Elephants but I think you were just kind of scared of them. You got to be only glass apart from some a orangutan which was really fun for you. You didn't seem to have as much fun as I expected you too, but daddy and I sure enjoyed taking you there and can't wait to take you back when it gets cooler!

You haven't changed a whole lot this month compared with last month. You did get another tooth on the bottom making your total 3 on bottom and 4 on top. Dad and I had no idea it was even coming in, and BAM one day I was like "what is in her mouth?" Yep, it was another tooth! :)

You are not quite yet standing on your own, but have tired a few times. You can hold two toys in your hands and stand up resting your belly against something. I really hope you are walking before Daddy and I take our vacation, but I'm doubting that will happen. You seem just fine and dandy with crawling!

I can't quite explain your fascination with dogs, but it is just so cute and so funny. Anytime you see a dog on t.v. you yell "dog, dog." Sometimes it's more clear than others, but you sure do love your dogs! Any type too, you don't care. Often I take you over to the neighbors to pet Duke. You are so smitten by him. I hope you never loose this fascination you have. Here is just a very small example of what you do when you see a dog. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldIfXxTSbWU

This month you figured out all on your own how to make "fish lips." It's hilarious! I don't know how you learned it, but you think it's funny and you will do it now if someone does it back to you. You just make me so happy!

Janell and Frank visited this month. Mommy and Daddy got to go to a Purdue Football game while you played with Sara Skelton all day. It was a good time over all, and you took your first trip to Galveston. Not much to see there but it was fun!

The last thing I will tell you about this month is that you are absolutely crazed with playing with the remote controls. Earlier in the month you found the remote and somehow turned on Barney. You loved it instantly! I have since recorded a few shows and we turn it on occasionally, but I just thought that was funny because it caught your attention and that was one of my favorite shows growing up! You aren't too much interested in the t.v. but we'll see how that turns out later.

I can't believe that I'm almost done planning your very 1st birthday party! It's cupcake themed and should turn out really well. Grandma/Grandpa and Uncle Zac and Aunt Jaime will all be here to celebrate, along with some of your friends and mommy and daddy's friends. It should be really fun. We are taking a picture for your invitation tomorrow! :) Hopefully that goes well! Next month you get to look forward to spending a week with Aunt Sarah and Grandma because Daddy and I are going on vacation! We will miss you tons, but I think we will all be very refreshed when we come home!

Keep growing, Keep smiling, Keep Laughing and Keep Learning. You are so beautiful!
Love you more than you will ever realize,
Mom

1.2.3.4.5.6.7.8.9...10!!!!!

Sweet Girl,

I was putting you to bed tonight looking around your room realizing that when Daddy and I (but mostly I) decorated we had no idea if you were going to be a boy or a girl. You've spent 10 whole months with us already! It seems like we ALWAYS knew you were going to be our "Jessa." The name fits you so perfectly, and I can't in any way imagine life if you would have come out "Jace." I am so thankful for you and all that makes you female!

I'm not sure of what else I can say in this 10th letter than, you are basically the easiest kid I've ever met. (Time for alittle mama bragging rights, even though Mama ain't got nothing to do with this side of your personality.) You have slept through the night since you were basically 3 months old. You hardly ever cry, but when you do I know something is wrong. You put yourself to sleep for naps and bedtime and if you aren't tired you will just play in your crib until you are ready to fall asleep. You are so go with the flow and have only made a scene ONCE in public, and that was when you were about 4 months old. We take you to restaurants and you not only love trying new foods but you sit in your highchair and hardly ever say a peep. You have never made a face or refused a food to eat. You will play for hours and hours by yourself without me entertaining you. (Today you played with a plastic measuring cup and 1 block for about 20 mins.) You are on a perfectly set routine that you came up with, but if we need to go off of it a little bit you can handle it (now.) You are friendly with our friends... and of course YOU ARE RIDICULOUSLY CUTE! :) I think that's enough bragging for now, wow!

God has made you into such a perfect little being and I thank Him everyday for allowing me to be your mom! I have been more blessed than I ever felt possible by becoming your mom! Thank you for being MY child!

So Jessalynn... What has this month brought us?
You have been a lot less sick! Not completely but better after taking your allergy medicine you have stopped scratching at your face AND you have been talking non-stop. Da-Da is by far your favorite word and you tend to use it for alot of things... except when you see a dog. Then it turns to Dog-Dog! You are mildly obsessed... ok that may be an understatement! Whenever you see a dog on t.v or in person you go crazy. You clap your hands, you squeal as loud as you can and you just go nuts. I don't know why we haven't captured this on video yet, but it is extremely adorable! Dad and I were talking the other day that if we got you a dog we don't think you would be as excited when you saw them... so we aren't going to get one.. EVER! :) However, your love for dogs has brought Dad and I to become very excited to bring you to the ZOO. It will be our first outing specifically FOR YOU! We are so excited, but are going to wait till it cools down a bit!

This month it has been 100* about everyday! We are breaking records for it being so hot, which has caused us to be inside ALOT and spend way too much money shopping ;) Shopping may be one of your favorite activities, while it's fun for now I am hoping it doesn't stay that way forever! :)

Also this month we took you to your first Astros/Baseball game ever. You loved it. Lots of excitement everywhere and every time the crowd would cheer you would light up both arms and cheer too. You make my heart so happy!

You are crawling ALL OVER THE PLACE! You are into everything, thankfully you haven't figured out how to open the cabinets... yet! You're favorite place in the house is in mommy and daddy's bathroom on our green rug. One day I was watching you play while cleaning the kitchen and when I looked over the stink I couldn't find you. I looked in your room, looked in my room... No Jessa. Finally I see you out of the corner of my eye just sitting on the green bathroom Rug sucking your thumb and you gave me the biggest smile ever! You are intrigued with the laundry room as well, but we try and keep the door shut. One of your favorite things to do is stand up by mommy's book shelf and pull off the books. You pull one off and then sit and flip through it. I'm not sure why you don't try and tear the pages out, you just like to look at the pictures. That book shelf can keep you occupied for a LONG TIME!

You have learned to RUN in your walker. It sort of looks like you are ice skating. YOu will run real fast and then glide, and run real fast and glide. I am so thankful for the set up of our house that allows you such a fun space to play in your walker.

I've started planning your birthday! It's going to be Cupcake themed. I'm pretty excited and found an outfit that I think is adorable! Basically, it's a ruffle butt outfit. YAY!

I'm not sure much else has changed with you this month, you weigh 19.1lbs and are 28in long. You are in the 50%ile for everything :) You have started eating alot more table food and are enjoying chewing with your 4, going on 6 teeth!!!! WOW! (2 bottom, and your two top left teeth, your two top right and trying to make an appearance.)

Thank you for being so much fun, thank you for going places with me with out a fuss. Thank you for loving dogs so much, and thank you for just being you. You bring so much joy to my life!!

Love, MA-MA! NOT DA-DA!! ;)

If your ever really lonely and in need of some major attention...

Just lock your keys, along with your child in your car on a 100*+ in Houston. 2 cop cars, an ambulance, a HUGE firetruck, and a tow truck all came to rescue little Jessa from the inside of the car and make me feel like the biggest idiot on the planet! Do I dare explain how this happened?

Let's start from the beginning... I purchased a car in Indiana and then moved to Texas. I believe between Nick and I we are the ONLY people that live in Houston without tinted windows... but tinted windows really has nothing to do with the story. ANYWAY, because I am from up North and it's a good idea to warm your car up before you drive in the winter I was blessed with an automatic start on my remote. Since I don't have to use it in the winter, I use it (everyday) in the summer to start the air going. Especially because Jessa is still rear faced in her car seat. It gets pretty awful. Anyway, we were leaving and I didn't have my keys in my hand so there was no point of pre-starting the car before I had to get in. I unlocked sat in the back seat and was like WHOA! So, I decided to turn on the air (by remote) while I buckled Jessa in. Here is the kicker... You have to press the lock button in order to use the remote start (so you can't just randomly start your car up if the button gets pressed in your pocket.) It's sort of like a secret code ;) ANYWAY, So I pressed lock on my remote then held the start button down and WALL-A! AIR! I buckle Jessa up, she is screaming and apparently HATES her new "Cadillac" car seat as I call it. I'm distracted because I think something is hitting her wrong because she is crying so hard I make sure nothing is wrong, tell her to suck it up all while feeling AWFUL because I haven't heard her cry like this in a long time, then I tell her we will be home soon, get out of the car shut the back down, put my hand on the front door and start saying some choice words! I immediately call Nick (he's in class) I text him and tell him "I NEED YOU NOW!!" Wouldn't you like getting that text message??? He tells me to call a lock smith, I decide 911 is the better option. Anyway, like 10 mins later after a really awkward phone call talking to the fire department dispatcher the car shuts off. THEN I PANIC! Isn't that what mom's do best?? It was awful, I think I stood there hyperventilating sure that Jessa was going to pass out, even though the air was just on full blast for 10 mins. She is still screaming bloody murder with alligator tears running down her face. It was... bad! The 1st cop shows up, followed by the tow truck. I never realized how easy it is to break into a car. That guy had that car opened in less than 5 mins! After I thank him 100,000,000,000 times I get his business card and tell him I will send him some money because I didn't have any cash. Then comes the fire truck, then another police car, and last but not least the ambulance. I have to talk to each of them, tell them it's ok that my child is STILL SCREAMING! "She's just tired" I say. I'm looking like bad mom of the year. Noone is understanding how my car is running and the keys are not in the ignition, that part was actually sort of humorous. What wasn't humorous was the fact that the lady police woman gave me the dirtiest look after seeing a dirty diaper in my back seat! (pun intended) I had changed Jessa in the Target parking lot right before we had ventured to Walgreens. Sorry lady, she smelled!

To end the story, Jessa screamed the whole way home, we got stopped in construction which added 10 mins on to our drive, and then finally she passed out.

What a day. I'm not sure why I just took the time to write that whole story down. Maybe it makes me feel better that possibly someone out there is reading this and laughing because something similar has happened to them.

The day can only go up from here. Happy Friday, right???

Can't Sleep

It's after midnight and i'm wide awake. I know I will be paying for this tomorrow, but I'm not sure what to do about it now. I figured I would come write, try and get some stuff off my mind and then attempt sleep again.

Things are good these days, almost perfect (GASP, DID I JUST SAY PERFECT?) I still don't handle living so far from family very well, but I'm finally realizing I'm feeling very settled here in Houston. Nick and I are working on our relationship and realizing that we will ALWAYS be working on our relationship. I also am learning to parent, the many "how to's" and realizing this, although very great, is a challenging task! Jessa grows more fun as the days go on, laughing smiling and showing her extremely laid back personality. I feel like life is so much in place for us right now. Things are good, they are very good! :)

...except...My Weight. It sucks! I've lost 20lbs since March and although some would say this is a huge accomplishment, I feel like a failure. I have so many great tools, tools i'm PAYING for... and i'm not using them! Why am I doing this to myself? I want this weight to come off so easily. It's almost like I'm "wishing" my weight away. HELLLLLLLLLLLLO, EARTH TO DAYNA! That's not how it works! I feel like I get my head on straight, tell myself I"M GOING TO DO THIS, get all excited and BAM! sabotage myself. Whether it's not planning and going out to eat, or buying a package or Oreos, or drinking a Large McDonalds Coke... 2 days in a row. It's always something, and it doesn't just stop there. I made a promise to myself that I'm not going on birth control until i'm 30lbs lighter than when I got pregnant with Jessa. Well folks, I'm finally back down to my pre-pregnancy weight... that means I STILL have 30 lbs to loose. And I thought I was going to be able to do this by October... it looks like our kids are going to be a little more separated than we would like them to be. But, that's the way the cookie crumbles :) On another note, Nick has been super supportive lately. Yesterday we actually did a little mini workout together in our house. I really need to work on my confidence because that was, humiliating? haha. I want to be the best I can for him, and him the best for me.... What can I say? We are working on it.

Jessa's birthday is coming up sooner than later. 1.... 1 years old. As much as it seems like forever ago I brought this little female home from the hospital, it doesn't feel like a whole year has passed. She is growing up, and there is really nothing I can do about it. She is growing out of clothes/shoes/socks/and everything in between. WELCOME TO(EXPENSIVE)PARENTHOOD! I feel like I buy the kid 3 pair of shoes one week because she has non, and the next week I'm out looking for more in a bigger size. The kid completely skipped over 9month size clothing. She lived in 3 month clothes from birth-7months. I bought a whole bunch of 6 month clothes that she has now outgrown and HELLO 12 month clothes! :) I even went so far the other day to buy her 18 month clothing. Talk about clothes looking HUGE! Anyway, this is an extremely long tangent when I wanted to talk about her birthday. We...scratch that...I have decided on a cupcake theme. I know, I know, Really original. But I like it and it's easy to find stuff. I like the idea of the cupcake with one candle on it. It's cute to me, so too bad! I'm in love with her little cupcake outfit I ordered, and am excited to see how everything gets put together.

I'm not sure I can leave without talking about Pintrest. Basically, the newest hottest website that everyone is talking about ;) Pulling visuals from the world wide web and making a collection of boards... what a brilliant idea! I haven't decided what I like more, gathering my ideas or looking at everyone's different styles. Basically, I spent my whole evening lurking around for new DIY ideas and coming up with cute ways to decorate... if that ever happens.

I think that's enough for the night. My eyes are getting sleepy! WONDERFUL! This has been a good post, considering I haven't posted about "nothing" in awhile now.

Belly Life (9 months old)

Jessa,

You have officially been outside in the real world for as long as you were inside my belly! 9 months old baby girl! And I'm a week late on writing you this letter! It's been quite the month! Exhausting might be the word to describe this month! However, you are more beautiful than ever, have more personality than I know what to do with at times, and are learning more and more every single day! You are SO FUN!

The month started off with a business trip with Daddy. We used this trip as an excuse to go see your Great Aunt Dar, 2nd cousin Rachel and her baby in her belly! What was suppose to be a 3 day trip to Pittsburgh PA, turned into a 2 week trip to PA and IN! We had such a fun time visiting family, and surprising Uncle Zac and Aunt Jaime by showing up at their house unexpected! They both thanked us for coming multiple times! We got to spend time with Aunt Sarah as well, and she came back up North to Grandma and Grandpa's house with us. While we were there we picked blueberries which has become your favorite food of the month. Just this morning you kept whining as I was trying to feed you homemade strawberry oatmeal because you just wanted blueberries. It seems ironic that daddy called you "Blueberry" while you were in my tummy!

It was a great trip and a fast trip, as always. By the end of it you completed your 7th flight!! Everyone fights to see you, which makes me feel really good and there is never a dull moment when we are in Indiana.

You started getting a cough while we were in PA, but continued to be a trooper. At the airport waiting for our flight you played on the ground, by yourself for almost 2 hours. I can't even begin to tell you how amazing that was! Thank you for that!! You continued to cough throughout our whole trip, and now almost 35 days later... you are still coughing. You have had your blood drawn once again. (This time wasn't nearly as bad as the first experience!!) And you also had your first x-ray, a chest x-ray to make sure your lungs were clear WHICH THEY WERE! :) But... you're still sick and we don't know why. Just today I made you an appointment with Daddy's allergy and Asthma doctor. While I'm praying this appointment will give us some answers, I'm scared that we are going to be dealing with you being sick a lot. I guess we will just have to wait and see. Along with you being sick, I have also been sick with the same thing. Just a nasty nasty cough! Since we have been back from Indiana, we have really pretty much just stayed in the house alot.

You are so independent and love playing by yourself! Of course you also love chasing Daddy and I around on your walker still and "flying" down the hallway while one of use chases after you! You have completely mastered pulling up on just about anything, and have started "cruising" around on the furniture getting into anything and everything that you possibly can. Playing with newspaper, and cutting coupons with me continues to be one of your most favorite activities. You get so excited crinkling the paper and tearing it into shreds. You love to be tickled and you love scared! I'll jump out from around a corner and you'll just laugh and laugh and laugh. Speaking of laughing, you have no fully grasped the concept of the word "No" and think that when I get really serious and say "NO!" it's one of the funniest things you have ever seen. It's so hard for me to keep a straight face, but I really want you to learn!

You have been teething for about 2 weeks now, and just yesterday I felt something very sharp in your mouth. Sure enough your front left bottom tooth is almost all the way through! I had to put teething rails on your crib today because you were standing up chewing on your crib. It shouldn't be long before your other bottom tooth pops through and you start to get your top teeth as well.

Overall, even though this month has been very hard with the two of us being sick, it's been a really fun month watching you grow. You are so fascinated by things, which makes me want to sick back and watch you all day long. You are so beautiful, I could say that over and over again!

Love you, to the moon and back!
-Mommy

Numero 8!

Dear Jessa,

I'm alittle late on your 8 month letter. Better late than never right? Today is July 1st! I can hardly believe it's July, and with that I can hardly believe you are 8 months old! You are already doing so much and are so active, I'm trying to spend as much time on the couch right now as possible, because I'm realizing my days of sitting and watching you play are very soon over!

Where do I even start? This month I got out your play table that a friend of ours had given you. You had taken a huge interest in grabbing my hands and wanting to stand. You quickly learned how to pull your self up by only using our hands as support. I brought the table out to try and teach you to pull yourself up. While you absolutely LOVE playing on the table and making it make so many different noises, you still can't quite get yourself to pull up on it on your own. You have done it once, but prefer to sit there and whine until I get tired of listening to you struggle and stand you up myself!


At the beginning of this month you were becoming extremely good at leaning forward and picking up toys you wanted. As you would be reaching for these toys, occasionally they would be too far away and you would fall forward into a laying position on your belly. Watching you learn (and struggle) from getting from the laying position back to the sitting position was probably one of my favorite things I have got to watch you learn this far!

The day after Father's Day I was taking a nap and daddy got you up from yours. We continued with the day until it was about time for your bedtime. Daddy then turns to me and says "O, ya! Guess who I found sitting up in her crib when I woke her up from her nap today!" I said "WHAT?!" Since you had already taken such interest in pulling up on things by this point we knew we had to lower your mattress in your crib right then! I was sort of disappointed I missed the first time you sat up on your own, but was smiling ear to ear when I walked in to get you the next morning and sure enough you were sitting up starring right at me! You melt me heart!



We aren't done with your accomplishments this month! You have recently started waving! The first time I caught it on camera we were waiting in the check out line at Walmart.

It's pretty funny because you do it ALOT while we are out in public. I'm not entirely sure you understand the concept, but it's pretty much the cutest thing ever! Last night daddy and I took you to dinner at Iguana Joe's. You were waving to every one, only when they weren't looking. Sometimes it was towards daddy, but most of the time it was just random. And when people wave back, you have absolutely no idea what to do then! It's pretty awesome!

Last but NOT LEAST!
YOU LEARNED TO CRAWL THIS MONTH! Well, sort of this month! It was the day after you turned 8 months old, so... You still are very confident about it sometimes forgetting that you can move from one place to another. I captured a pretty good crawl on video which I'm extremely excited about! No doubt, in a few days, maybe a week you will be all over the house! The other day I ordered a bunch of outlet covers because your fingers have already been pulled straight to them. You are definitely a typical kid! :)



You are still enjoying running around the house in your walker. You have mastered the concept of forward, backwards, left and right. You can pretty much get around any obstacle, which these days are alot! It's proving to be very challenging keeping all of your toys picked up around the house! You love chasing me and daddy down the long hallway from our rooms to the front door. You can get those legs moving pretty fast, and you usually squeal from excitement when you do! You continue to love the doorway jumper when I take a shower, and Mackenzie recently let us borrow her Jungle themed jumper which you get a pretty big kick out of too! Sometimes it's hard to tell your whine apart from your excited noises!

What else happened during month 7?
*You eat ALOT! 3 meals of baby food a day, along with 5 6oz bottles
*I haven't found a food you don't like... this is crazy!
*You still haven't figured out chewing, although we try pretty much everyday with baby puffs, yogurt melts or some types of fruit
*You made me cry for the first time in public last week. I dropped you off in the nursery at church and you immediately started screaming. I hated leaving you like that! I'm sure this probably won't be the last time that happens! :(
*This last week I have taken you to the gym day care for about an hour at a time. You are LOVING it there! Always very happy when I pick you up! This is awesome!
*I'm loving the days I get to spend with you. You still love to go shopping, and you especially like riding in shopping carts now!
*I sewed you a sleep sack this month because you are starting to outgrow yours, plus it's fleece and I'm afraid you are too hot. Daddy ended up ripping it, so I need to make a repair on it... however you are pretty partial to your pink fleece one so much so that I'm thinking I'll have to make it into a blanket for you when you can no longer fit into it at all.
*You are trying so hard to drop your 3rd nap during the day! You have succeeded alot, but other days you just sit and rub your eyes ready for a nap at 5... and that's not happening ;)

You continue to get bigger and bigger each day. It's such a bittersweet thing. I love watching you do things for the first time, watching you learn and play with the same toys like you have never ever seen them before. Today you were lifting the teapot lid, open, closed, open, closed. Over and over again. I love this stage your in... however I know I'll love every stage your in! Some will probably prove to be more challenging than others, but I love you more than you will ever no and because of that every stage you go through will be just as special as the next! You are so beautiful Jessa! I can't wait to start to see more of your personality shine through in this next month!

Love you more than the distance from the ground to the moon!... AND BACK!
-Mommy

I want to laugh and cry all at the same time.

This is just too funny not to document. So this week a major milestone has been reached. Jessa can go from laying down to sitting up now. I have been looking forward to this moment for awhile now because I don't have to listen to her whine and then scream when she is on her belly and wants up. HOWEVER, this have given up serious nap problems! Yesterday, Jessa decided that every time I laid her down on her belly in her crib for a nap was a game. I laid her down, she would put her thumb in her mouth, get comfy, and her eyes would close. I would start to tip-toe out of the room and sure enough... UP POPS JESSA.... LAUGHING! I would repeat previous steps, and then just walk out of the room to watch her on her monitor. This went on for about an hour and 15 mins!! LDFJ:LKSJDILH:FLJ:ASDJ Talk about frustrating... but very funny! Well that was yesterday...

TODAY, just now in fact. I laid her down for a nap about 45 mins. ago. She sat straight up, and I just walked out of the room. I watched her play on the monitor for about 10 mins. and then... she got tired. Since I guess she can't master every skill at once, we'll just say she hasn't quite mastered the going from sitting to laying yet.



I laughed, and figured she would move if she got uncomfortable so I just left her there. 20 mins later, she pops right up and cries because she woke herself up from being so uncomfortable, and who likes waking up in a sitting position. This is the part where I'm laughing so hard, but want to cry because I NEED HER NAP TIME! I need it for my sanity, and I'm not getting it. I walked into her room, laid her down flat left the room and sure enough she sits up, realizes she is tired and goes back to sleep in the same position.

Learning is SO FUN!

Dear Jessalynn, (7month Edition)

I can still remember the first time I wrote about "Jessa" in this blog. I was sitting in the hospital room all alone with this beautiful little girl in my lap peacefully sleeping. I was so filled with emotion that I wanted to write down every single detail because the thought of forgetting one little thing about the last 24 hours seemed heart wrenching. A few weeks went by and I wrote more realizing this was the easiest way to remember the sweet memories of each month. Therefore, I give you "Dear Jessalynn, the 7th month Edition."



Dear Jessa,
This month flew by! We have been so busy! In the beginning of the month we traveled to Indiana again to see family and friends. This time only you and I went, and it sure was an experience traveling through the airport with you, a stroller, your car sear and your diaper bag. I thought we would never make it threw security with all of our stuff. I am so proud and happy to tell you though that we made it through, not only once but twice and with a "random shoe test." You were better than I ever expected you to be! When we got on the plane going to Indiana, you were very tired! You would whine, lay your head down on my chest, moan, close your eyes... POP THEM OPEN and the proceed to give everyone around us a full body scan before you repeated the motions again and again. Finally I was able to rub my hand over your eyes over and over finally getting them to close for good. It was the first moment in a long time that you fell asleep on me, and I was in heaven! I love watching you sleep! When you woke up you flirted with a man around grandpa's age two rows behind us. It was the funniest thing! He would wave to you and you would bat your little eyes, give him a huge smile then look away, only to repeat this again a few hundred times! On the flight home we were able to bring the car seat on, and while you didn't like to sit in it the whole time you were comfy for awhile. About 1/2 hour before we landed this 3 year old boy was sitting in the seat behind you and he stood up on his chair and started playing peekaboo with you. You of course were in absolute awe over this boy, and at one point the boy leaned over to his dad and said "Daddy, she is so pretty!" This melted my heart!!! I have a feeling we are going to have to keep a close eye on you in the future, because you are already stealing boy's hearts!

We were able to see alot of people during our trip in Indiana. Grandma and Grandpa had such a fun time playing with you, finally! You got to ride in grandpa's wooden rocking horse, and he would let you pull his hair real hard while he tickled your belly. You though these things were SOOO Funny! While we were there we were also able to go to the Dunes. I couldn't wait for you to experience sand! You just wanted to eat it! Grandma was freaking out about you eating sand, but I wanted to let you :) You also ate your first dandelion while we were there too! Don't worry, you're still alive! :) Overall, we had a wonderful time while we were there!

When we got back, I got super sick! Luckily, Aunt Sarah had already planned on coming down and it was so nice to have her help here while I tried to get better. During Aunt Sarah's visit we took A LOT of pictures, and we also got to take you swimming for the second time. We were in the pool for about and hour and you loved every single second of it!

At your 6 month check up, we got some bad news at the doctor. You weighed in at only 11.13 lbs. This was more than scary because you had hit 12 lbs around month 2! During this particular day you had a urine test(which involved a catheter), 3 shots, and blood work where the lady was AWFUL! This by far was the scariest, and most heart wrenching day for me as a mom! You on the the other hand were a rockstar!!! You handled it all so well, and you even handled throwing multiple times after giving you formula for one of the 1st times. You are such a champ! Since that day, we have started you on a special formula and you have done just fine! We continued to nurse in the morning and at night until I got sick and the doctor told me it was just best if I stop all together. It was a really hard transition for me at first, having you being fed by other people and not having our time like 5 times a day. However, I've realized I get to snuggle you so close when I give you a bottle and that makes up for everything!! I love nothing more than to cuddle you close!

Other than the things already mentioned, you have become incredibly fun this month!!! You now can sit up in a shopping cart, in fact you can sit up anywhere. We bought you a walker this month and just about 3 days ago you learned you could move and have been all over the house since them. You have learned to make yourself laugh, and you area still sleeping like the best baby in the whole entire world. You are so incredibly intrigued at the world around you, and you seem to take every detail in very carefully! You definitely get that from dad, and will probably be very smart because of this!

I can't tell you enough how much you have blessed our lives. Every night before I put you to sleep I zip you up in your pink sleep sack. This sleep sack was Bella's old sleep sack that Nicole gave to me while you were in my belly. When I saw this particular item in a bag full of stuff I thought to myself, "this is really nice but I don't want my boy wearing pink." Little did I know I would be zipping that little pink sack up every night, and kissing my beautiful little girl goodnight in it. You make my heart so happy, and I can only anticipate what kind of girly adventures we will be able to do together when you get older.

It has been a good month Jessa, maybe the best one yet! Please continue to giggle and smile often because when you do the whole world stops. You are getting so big, and while I like to think I'm prepared for it, I know I will be one of those who say "they just grow up so fast, cherish this time!" I'm doing my best to cherish everyday with you, and because you are who you are it's not hard to do! :)

I love you so much little girl! :)
Love,
MOMmy

Tomorrow...

...is a new day and a fresh start. I have a whole whole whole lot I could complain about right now, but mainly I just want to start tomorrow with a new attitude. Yes, I've been sick for a week, but I'm hopeful my apt. on Wednesday will get me on the right track. Yes i've been eating crap, and more crap for going on 3 weeks... but tomorrow my slate is clean. Yes, Nick is away on business and I have to be stuck in major mom mode until he returns, but it's nothing I haven't done before. Yes, I'm completely done nursing Jessa and it is playing a lot harder on me than I ever thought possible, but it was such a wonderful blessing to be able to give her the best I could for 6 months and I'm proud of myself for working over such hurdles. Yes, I've seen the majority of my family and friends in the last few weeks only to realize it will be a while before I see them again, but I'm so thankful for the time I have got to spend with them. Yes, Sarah leaves tomorrow meaning my t.v/internet/cooking/shopping/girl time buddy is gone, but she'll be back soon enough :)

O how refreshing a bath and a quite house can be... I feel like a new woman, who can't hear, but hopefully soon will again. (I couldn't leave on a negative note)

I leave you with this... I asked Jessa to give me a kiss, this is what I got.


Sweet huh??

Think again!



hahaha! My gosh! She is such a blessing to my life. :)

Photo Book

Click here to view this photo book larger

I am MOM

Today I finally feel like a mom. I didn't expect to start crying after that sentence.

It's been a rough day. What was suppose to be a "well baby" check up turned into the doctor basically panicking. Sort of like the way my OB panicked when I came into him with a 104* temp 2 weeks after delivery. I knew Jessa wasn't gaining much weight but I didn't realizing she was loosing. She had lost 2 lbs since her 4 month check up bringing her weight now to 11lbs 14oz. Just for the record, she was 12lbs at her 2 month check up. I didn't get a chance to ask him any of my regular check up questions (why is her skin funny? Is it ok for her to eat ____ food? Is her chest clear, she has had a runny nose. Do you think she could have allergies?) All he wanted to talk about her weight and how she is now in the .9%tile for her weight. And yes that reads POINT 9. Less than 1%. Here is where feeling like a mom comes in. I feel like I failed her. Why was I not watching this as closely? I wasn't trying to starve her by any means but I definitely didn't want her to over feed either. So after 3 vaccination shots, a catheter to draw urine, and numerous arm pokes later to draw blood I officially lost it.

So now we feed her formula, and LOTS of it. As much as I can force down her. Best case scenario, my milk was just not providing her with the nutrients she needed and formula will fatten her up. Worst case scenario, her body is not properly digesting food. We will see. The doctor said he would call this weekend if anything alarming came back from the blood test. So for now, she will drink lots of formula and we will pray.

As far as mom goes... I have to know I've done the absolute best job I could, and still am. :)

10 things I've learned from being a mom for 6 months

1. Labor is seriously magical and has crazy powers to make you forget the horrible times of the last 9 months.
2. It takes time to "bond" with a child. Your child is not going to come out instantly in love with you, and even though the thing you are looking at is the most beautiful thing you have ever laid yours eyes upon, it is also the thing that just significantly changed your life.
3. It DOES get better! Someday somewhere down the line, something just clicks, and everyone survives :)
4. Even though you may want them to, your boobs don't look like rocks for very long.
5. Pushing a kid to reach a goal just to brag about them isn't always in your best interest, and it usually means more work for you.
6. To do: write a thank you note to the inventor of the t.v. For those crazy long days for you in the beginning and for those crazy long stressful crying all day days for your child later down the road.
7. No matter how hard you try, you will make mistakes.
8. Friends friends Friends friends friends... And mor friends. Accept help, because they usually really do want to hold and play with your child, and take them up on offers to get out of the house and on a daily rutine.
9. Google can be your best friend and your worst enemey all on the same page... Just trust your instinct, chances are "it's normal."
10. Relax, being a parent is actually a really fun job....at times.

Dear Jessa, Vol. 6mo.

Dearest Daughter,

I feel like I should write "I CAN"T BELIEVE YOU ARE 1/2 YEAR OLD!" I feel like everyone always gets to this stage and is shocked at how fast time has gone. I would be lying if I said it didn't go fast, but I can still think back on each month that has gone by and the things you were doing at that time. I think that helps with the shock value!

I have so much enjoyed you lately! You are giggling and belly laughing more than ever. My dog we had growing up, Rusty, had what we called a "ticky spot." It was a spot on him that we could tickle and it would make his leg twitch. It was so fun, and funny to tickle that spot on him. Just yesterday I found your "ticky spot." You are such an itty bitty girl that I can grab your hips with just one hand and it makes you laugh harder and longer than I have ever seen you laugh before! I keep sending Grandma videos of it because it just makes my heart melt! I could watch you smile and laugh all day!

Currently you are sick! :( It started out as what I thought were allergies and turned into what I am guessing is a cold? We are going to see Dr. Farrior on Friday so hopefully he can tell us what to do. We have been running your humidifier at night and sucking all the gooey snot out of you nose like crazy! I am glad we are going to see the Dr. on Friday too, because you are just so so small. You weighed about 13.3lbs at your 4 month apt. and I'm worried you haven't gained any weight. You have however grown probably 2 inches or so! You are definitely going to be tall like Daddy and I.

We are still in the process of introducing solid foods to you. I haven't found one that you don't like yet. So far you have tried, green beans, carrots, peas, sweet potatoes, bananas, Peas/broccoli/pears, prunes, rice cereal and oatmeal. You love eating food but it is "stopping you up" so we'll have to ask the doctor about that on Friday as well! :)

You are almost sitting up on your own now. Both Daddy and I are working very hard on trying to get you to sit up with your back straight and not have your arms holding you up. I am hoping that we can get you to do this for more than a couple of seconds by Monday, because we are having family pictures taken! :) Speaking of family pictures! We went to the mall tonight to go look for me a top to wear for our pictures. We came out with 3 outfits for you!!! Shopping for you is way more fun than shopping for mom!! Lets just not tell daddy about the bill ;)

Next Tuesday you and I are going on a trip to Indiana. This will be your 3rd time being on a plane! I hope you do just as good as you did when you were 2 months old. I'm alittle nervous about your cold that it will hurt your head when we go up into the sky, but hopefully you will be just fine and want to take a nap in my arms! (Hey, I can dream right??) Anyway, I am so excited for you to be able to play with Grandma and Grandpa instead of just seeing them through the computer screen. They both love you so so much and are looking forward to you coming!

Currently I'm working on a picture book for you. We have taken so many pictures from the time I found out I was pregnant with you to now, your six month birthday, that I feel like we should have them organized and put in a book for you to have some day. I hope it will be just as special for you as it is for me. You will always be my first child, and my first experience at the greatest miracle I have ever witnessed!

I told Daddy the other day, I can finally join the group of moms that say "I just can't imagine my life without my child." It's true! I can't imagine my life without you. Each and every morning I get to wake up to your beautiful smile! I spend each and every day with you, kissing more time than you want to know! I secretly enjoy the times when you just want to be carried even though in that specific moment I am probably annoyed because I'm trying to get something done. I am trying to cheerish these moments the best I can, remember how your little body feels being held. Remembering how every time I put a clip in your hair it magically disappears. I'm really trying hard to take all of these little moments in because I understand before I know it, I'm going to be handing you these letters to read with tears in my eyes because you are all grown up! :) One thing for sure, is you'll always be my little girl! I love being able to say that! For so long, inside my belly I believe you were a boy and my heart is so joyful that you are my little girl and I get to watch you turn into a beautiful woman... someday, far far away!

Thank you for loving me and learning with me. I believe we make a good team, and with Daddy included!
To Month 6!
Love you always and forever, Mommy!

The Grass is Always Greener on the Other Side

As I sat folding laundry while listening to Jessa whine and wiping her snot dripping from her nose, I couldn't help but think about my friends that are doing their "own thing." It's funny because when I really stop and think about it, I know those single "carefree" friends would probably love to be in my shoes, with a family, but for moments (like the one mentioned above where I"m wondering what have a I done with my life) I'm so jealous of where they are. I never found dating fun, but for some reason in these so called moments I find that dating sounds terrific. Going out, having fun, meeting all kinds of new people (is that even what it's like?? haha) Please don't get me wrong, I love Nick more than any other earthy man. I truly can't imagine doing life without him, and am so thankful I found him before anyone else could. However, if I'm being honest, and I'm human right? Sometimes, not often but sometimes, I just get in these slumps. I wonder what my life would be like in the dating world, without a house payment and being tied down to one location, or without a child depending on you 24 hours a day. What would I being doing now if I hadn't gotten married right out of college. What would it be like to be "free" again.

I have dreamed of this day where I would have a house, a husband and a child since I can remember. I am living my most ideal life, I have everything I have ever dreamed about, and more. So why get caught up in these moments where everything seems so wrong? Being envious of friends with very few responsibilities (that's a long word!) in life is really going to get me nowhere. But somehow, the grass is always greener on the other side.

I've said it before and I'll said it again... I think I need a vacation! :)

Change of Scenery

I'm feeling extremely trapped lately. Very suffocated and very, lost? I need to get out. I need to get out of this state, I need to try something new, I need... a change of scenery. NOW! I really think i'm on the verge of exploding.

I had a baby 6 months ago, gained a 16 year old, spent more than 3 hours a day awake in my house(aka, quit my job)... I basically went from being an extremely selfish 24 year old who was only worrying about herself and occasionally her husband, to being a full time mom, maid, doctor, taxi driver, and rule maker. It stresses me out just writing it down.

Help?

Confession

I have to get this off my chest.

The number one reason I'm trying to loose weight is so I can have a hopefully easier pregnancy the next time around. (not now, but in a few months) which brings me to my true confession:

The thought of giving birth gives me huge butterflies...the good kind! I would try and give Mrs. Duggar a run for her money if I didn't think I would go absolutely crazy with that many kids. Being in labor/giving birth was such a euphoric experience for me, I get soooo giddy just thinking about it. I know it sounds crazy but I am realizing i might not be ok with only getting to experience it one more time like I have said all my life.

Where is this post even going? I'm not sure but I just felt like I needed to confess my crazy thoughts.


And while we are on the subject, every night I wonder how I could love a human being as much as I love Jessa. There is nit one thing about her that isn't absolutely perfect to me.

Ok, I'll stop there.

Wow...

Just was looking through old documents and came across this written January 8th, 2009.

Before I die I will…

1. Have a Child
2. Look in the mirror and love myself
3. Go to the airport and fly somewhere, just for the day
4. Enjoy my Job
5. Be part of something significant
6. Make an Impact on Someone
7. Buy something from Victoria Secret
8. Travel to Hawaii
9. Renew my Wedding Vows, in a white dress
10. Make my grandkids breakfast
11. Teach Someone Something Significant
12. Own a House
13. Feel Satisfied / Content
14. Own a Dog
15. Have a porch swing
16. Learn to Let Go
17. Determine My Favorite Movie and Song of all time
18. Meet someone Famous
19. Have a decorated bedroom with a bedroom set
20. Have no regrets


I Love this! I think I should add this to my bathroom mirror :)

Birth Control (read at your own discretion.)

I'm so emotional I can't handle it anymore. I'm crying at the drop of a hat, and this makes life seem not very fun. I did start birth control again, and I'm really wondering if it's just messing me up again like it has done in the past. This is exactly why I hate it so much. It seems so unnatural to be putting a dose of artificial hormones into your body. So why am I taking it you ask? Because I CAN NOT have another baby at this weight I am at. It's just simply not possible for me, not an option. And birth control seems to be the most efficient and effective way to make that happen. I guess then I better start sucking it up and start dealing with these mood swings, that or stop nursing and switch BC's to something that I can handle better. WHAT IS A GIRL TO DO?

So to share a laugh, this is the latest thing I have cried at which prompted this post. I was reading a website and the question was "What is something you wish you would have done before having kids." This was 1 woman's response... " (1)Take an impromptu trip cross-country. I’m talking hopping in the car with an entire paycheck, without a map, with a good 4 legged friend, and with absolutely no direction or itinerary in mind. This would mean stopping whenever and wherever I wanted to, eating at small town dives across the USA, chatting on a CB radio while driving all night, watching sunrise and sunset in different cities every day, meeting tons of new people, and not telling a soul where I was. Even remaining optimistic that I might find a completely new zip code to set up shop without a consequence in the world for doing so. (2)Bungee jump off a bridge and skydive. At least once. Right now, it seems that risking my life for a 5 or 10 minute thrill is just plain irresponsible and unfair. Truth is that now, as a mom, I no longer ‘think nothing’ of hopping on an airplane or taking an interstate trek at 80mph. Motherhood strips away that feeling of being immortal.

I can't even get myself to re-read it. Even though I have already jumped out of a plane, I have never taken an impromptu trip and that sounds wonderful. She explains life a mom so perfectly though. So why the tears? There are so many things I wanted to do before kids, but God had planned that differently. I love Jessa more than anything on Earth and gosh... I want to say I don't know what I would do without her, but I do.... but that's not the point. I love her so much, I never want anything to happen to her, I'm so excited to watch her grown and go through the steps of life with her. She is my daughter and the most important thing in my life. However...she really complicates life.

I don't even think this post has a point to it. I'm just emotional and feeling "blue." I need to loose this weight fast so I can get off this crazy medicine... Please understand though that if I say something or act differently I'm not quite feeling like myself these days. Don't hold it against me please!

Month 5

Dear Jessa,

5 months old! I can hardly believe it. You are becoming more beautiful each and everyday. Your personality is starting to shine through a bit more which has been fun to see. You have sleep habits like daddy, but I still think you'll be goofy just like mommy! YAY! :)

We started feeding you rice cereal 2 weeks ago, but not every night. Tonight you had oatmeal just to change things up a bit. You don't seem to like either one very much, and your darn thumb always finds it's way to your little mouth which makes feeding you very difficult! You have found your thumb and are completely content and happy with that being your only "toy." I shake my head everyday wondering how we will stop you later on from sucking it. The good news is, since you have found your thumb you have been sleeping through the night very consistently at almost 13 hours a night! WAHOOOO!!! It's wonderful! Thank you!! :) I have a big stack of pacifiers just sitting around because it was just the other day you starting liking those... now your thumb has replaced them all! You absolutely love sleeping on your tummy, and rolling over is just a thing of the past. You are such a fast learner! It seems like one day you just decided it was time and have been rolling over and sleeping on your belly ever since. Speaking of being a fast learner, this week you have very much enjoyed sitting up! WOW! As long as your little hands are either resting on the ground, or on your knees you are good to go. You are still pretty wobbly at times but other times you can last for mins. You have a hard time smiling while in the sitting position because you are concentrating so hard and looking around, but nevertheless you are still the most adorable thing momma has ever laid eyes on! :)

So besides, sitting up and eating cereal you have become Miss Flirt. You smile at everyone which just tickles my heart! The girls in the nursery at church tell me you'll just sit and smile, you are so wonderful! And even though this month you decided to protest sleeping anywhere besides your crib or in a moving car, you are provided me with more joy than I know what to do with. I enjoy being with you each and everyday, watching you smile laugh and learn. I love teaching you new things, reading to you, and just kissing you on every inch of your body. It's hard to look at you and not smile.

Just today I went to wake you up from a nap (you slept for 2.5 hours and it was just time to get up!) I went into your room turned on the light and got down on the floor to pick out some clothes for you to wear. You turned your head to look at me through the slates on the crib and just smiled the biggest smile ever. When I see you smile I still have a hard time taking in the fact that you are all mine! I get to keep you and claim you for forever, that makes me so happy!

Jessa, I love being your mom. I love spending time with you and watching you become a little girl. Thank you for joy you have given to me, even though you are totally unaware of just all that you are. You are so incredibly special!
Love you always and forever,
Mommy

Lucky

I suppose luck really has nothing to do with it, but I just feel so "lucky." Not only did I conceive and grow this miracle of a child, but she came out perfect. Besides her two little silly cowlicks on her forehead, there is not a single marking on her body. She, for the most part, has been extremely well and really in the beginning I think it was just from me taking antibiotics that made her so upset 24/7. I don't know if I expected God would challenge me with a "harder" baby or what, but everyday I wake up feel so lucky.

Just a few mins. ago she was chewing so hard on her hands I decided to brush her gums with this finger cap thing I have. I fully expected her to cry and move her head from side to side, instead she wouldn't stop smiling and even had a little giggle in there. After we were done I picked her up and went and sat in the rocker where she immediately decided she was tired and started crying. No questions asked I put her back in her sleep sack, kissed her and laid her down... OUT! She has such an incredible ability to tell when she is tired. She really just amazes me everyday.

I don't want to come across as "Omg, I have the best baby in the world" but rather, how am I so blessed to have this perfect human being. What did I do to deserve this. I suppose God really has used her as a huge impact in my life to not only provide an example that he really is in charge and has a greater plan for my life than I do, but also that he loves me so much and wants me to be happy so he gave me the most beautiful and precious gift I ever could have asked for.

I suppose these feelings only get stronger of "why me" when I hear of friends loosing babies. Just this week an old family friend lost a 3 month old son. I don't know the story other than this baby had a twin brother and from pictures looked totally healthy. I just can't imagine. I literally, can't imagine! My heart breaks for them, and in the end I know God has a plan, but why them? And why me? And why does he choose the people he chooses to not be able to have children? What a gift they are and why do they not get to experience pure bliss. So many questions, but I guess thats why his name is God. He reigns over the earth, and if we understood all that he did he wouldn't be much of a god.

I should end here, I'm pretty emotional today.

I think I have things backwards...

Who is this child, and why is God blessing me with her? Yes some days are better than others but recently this little girl of mine has been sleeping 13 hours at night, gets up eats, plays for an hour-an hour and 1/2 and is ready to go down for a nap. No swaddle, no rocking, no nothing! I put her in her sleep sack, she puts that dumb thumb in her mouth, I kiss her little head and away I go. Within 5 mins. she is out!

Back to the "some days are better than others." While I have pretty much a perfect angel at home, and even though she adores shopping of any kind, my child will no longer sleep anywhere besides her bed or her car seat only if we are moving in a car. That means no more rocking her to sleep in my arms, no more rocking in the car seat and no more trips out of the house longer than 2 hours. Sometimes this is more inconvenient than others mainly because it takes 30 mins to drive just about anywhere but I'll take it I suppose.

So while God has blessed me after a rough start with a wonderful (*cough* easy *cough*) child, why has he made my body the way he has? Why is weight loss so hard? I feel like it's the only thing in my life that I don't have control of. In fact I would call my weight/my eating habits very OUT OF CONTROL. I don't know how to change this...I feel like I'm back to the place I've been so many times before. Stuck! Help! Weight loss sounds so easy, even for me! Duh! All you have to do is intake less calories than you expend. HELLO! It's not that hard! =don't eat crap, limit your portions, say no to processed foods and exercise DING DING DING DING! SO WHY IS SAYING NO, WATCHING POTIONS, AND NOT EATING CRAP SO HARD!?!?!?! skdajflkjsadfhsjudghksdfunsga

WHY?


... I should be done here! :)

Dear Jessa (month 4)

Dear Jessa,

Everyone always told me time would fly, and lately it has been. You are getting so big, growing so tall and doing new things everyday. Right around your 4 month birthday you decided being on your tummy is way more fun than your back. You are such a pro at rolling over!! We were still swaddling you at night until you started to show interest in rolling over and I started to get nervous. I knew you were ready to move onto bigger and better things, like the sleep sack but I was also very sick and not ready to give up my precious sleep time. I held back for as along as I could but you kept telling me you were ready so we did it... AND YOU SLEPT FINE! More recently, at naptimes you cry to let me know you are tired, so I change you, put you in your sleep sack and lay you in your crib. Not a peep! Thank you for making these transitions extremely easy!

The other night before Daddy and I went to sleep I turned on the monitor to check on you. You were sleeping on your side with your arms criss crossed around your body, with your little hands up to your chin. I rolled over to dad and said "look how she is sleeping, it's so cute" only to realize Daddy sleeps the same exact way every single night. It's amazing to me how genetics works!

Grandma just came to visit! We picked her up in the airport and while you were unsure of her for about an hour, you soon warmed up to her and the two of you spend many hours playing together while she was here. She brought you your first tea set and has promised to buy you a table and chairs for Christmas this year! Grandma LOVES tea! During Grandma's visit we went to the rodeo and your first concert! You absolutely love being around large crowds! Your eyes scan back and forth, and you take everything in. You didn't cry once while we were at the rodeo, even though you got extremely tired and ended up sleeping through the last part of it.

After the first two months with you, I never thought I would say this but you are an EXTREMELY wonderful baby! Your personality is showing more and more everyday, and while you are pretty stubborn like your mommy at times, I'm happy to say you are extremely relaxed just like daddy. You easily adjust to whatever we have planned for the day, love being played with, laugh when you receive multiple kisses, and have such fascination with the world you are learning to grow up in. :) I look at you throughout the day and not only thank God for blessing me with the cutest baby in the world, but for making you perfect for daddy and I in every way.

Even though the days are going faster now, and you seem to be growing like a weed. I"m trying to take in all this sweet time that I have with you. I want to remember these days and be able to tell you what it was like carting you around in your car seat to dinner with friends or taking you shopping at the grocery store or mall. I want to remember the silly times that I make you laugh doing ridiculous things that I would be embarrassed if someone but you saw but also remember the times I hold you tight when you are tired or hurt.

You are so amazing baby girl, and I have no doubt you will grow up and do great things! I love you so much and look forward to each and everyday I get to spend with you!

Love,
Mommy

Another day, another dollar...

Well not really another dollar, because what I earn at my job is not calculated in dollar and cents, but same difference.

It's been a wonderful week with my mom here. Bittersweet might be a better word. I lover watching her interact with Jessa even though sometimes I feel like I am invisible when Jessa is awake. It's sweet though. I asked my mom what it felt like to be a grandma? Did it feel like a mothers love? She couldn't really answer the question, which is ok because I couldn't answer the question on what it feels like to love my daughter... but I do hope one day I'll get the pleasure of being a grandma... one day far far away ;)

During my mom's visit we took Jessa to her first Rodeo and concert. I might be alittle bit ashamed to tell her one day when she is older that her first concert was a Janet Jackson concert, but at least I'm glad I can blame it on Grandma! :) Over all though we had a really good time although I admit attending a big event with a baby is well... exhausting! I could sit here and go into detail why, but I'll leave the "fun" for those of you that haven't experienced it to experience it for yourself, and those of you that have to laugh along side of me :) Here is a picture of my sweet girl after her night out on the town at the rodeo :)

A few days ago Nick and I celebrated (ok, really we didn't celebrate more like talked about) the day I found out I was pregnant. I can't believe it's been a whole year! Even though memories from that night have faded a bit, I don't think I will ever forget showing Nick the test and him saying "it's so faint, lets just go to bed and you can take another one in the morning." O, How God made males and females so different! What a blessing though Jessa has been in our lives. As much as an unplanned pregnancy has put unwanted stress in my life, I wouldn't have wanted it any other way! Basically you can sum up Jessa in one word "Surprise!" :) And that my friends is reason number 2342837583724832742 why I love my daughter!!!

Time has started to finally speed up after Jessa has been born. I seriously thought that the first few months of her life felt like years instead of days. I think our little routine we have going makes the days feel like days, the weeks feel like weeks and the months feel, well sort of like days ;) Fun things I've been looking forward to have come and gone, and now I'm finding more things to keep looking forward to! Being a stay at home mom definitely gives you a lot of time to think about why exactly we have been put on this earth and provides you with even more to try and come up with an answer and fail every time. I am enjoying life, don't get me wrong but really what purpose am I serving? (I am stopping here, this is not the direction I wanted to go with this post!)

SO!

Moving on: I have failed once again on sticking to a weight loss goal for even a week. I'm not giving up hope though. Even though Nick is gone this week on business it feel like life is a bit back to normal and I can again focus on something I want so so badly. So dear friends... Here I go trying to write down all I eat once again! :) O yes, and I should work some exercise into this week to. I'm finally over my month long sickness! WAHOOOOOOOOOO!!!

On that note, I'm heading to bed! Jessa was up every two hours last night, awesome right? NOT! That and the bachelor is sitting on DVR waiting to be watched.. YES PLEASE!

Weight Loss

It felt good to finally write about my biggest struggle in life. I really hope by writing and knowing people are reading can give me the encouragement I need to keep going. I'm extremely proud of myself today. I tried really hard and came in WAY under my caloric intake amount. However, I did indulge in some apples and fat free camel dip, and I realized that a tiny box of rains has 130 calories in it, along with 30 grams of sugar!!!! HOLY MOLY! Is fruit really that bad for you??

I am really proud of myself today, however it was not easy and Nick is currently eating a bowl of frosted flakes which sounds so incredibly wonderful. I can't even tell you how much I love cereal, and sugar cereal at that. But it's not worth it anymore. I've eaten enough food today, and anything extra just takes away from what I have done all day.

ON ANOTHER NOTE!
Jessa is done being swaddled. When she started trying to roll over in the swaddle I knew it was time but didn't want to give in, mainly because I have been sick and didn't want to deal with the transition. I kept telling Nick, "she is ready, and if we don't do this now, it's going to be WAY harder later and we are going to regret it." Sooooo we did it, last night I swaddled one arm, and today she took her first nap in her sleep sack. Well she is currently in her sleep sack now... that was easy! I remember doing this with Bella, being so nervous that she would just resist the transition and we would all be screwed because she would be a pain in the butt for a week or so. Well we did it one day and that was that! Anyway though, it's our first transition out of the newborn stage. I can't believe it, she is growing so fast and I can't stop it! I am so grateful to have her in my life. For a while in the beginning I hated being a mom and was so resentful to her. She was such a awful child, was hindering me from everything I wanted to do, especially significant things such as sleeping and eating. I would hear everyone tell me how wonderful it was to be a parent and I'd just smile and nod thinking, this is NOT what I signed up for. Well, I'm happy to tell you, she brings SO MUCH JOY TO MY LIFE! Even on her bad days I just give her an extra big kiss and brush off her fussiness. I'm so glad we have moved out of that crazy stage she had in the beginning.

*** Mom comes tomorrow. SO EXCITED! Here's to healthy eating with mom here! :)

Here goes nothing...

So i've contemplated writing this entry for a while now. I'm not sure what I have been afraid of, failure probably. But the time is now to make a change. I started my pregnancy off on a higher weight than I would have liked to. We weren't expecting to have a child so soon, but it is what it is. I survived my pregnancy carrying around far more weight than I would have liked to. I saw numbers on the scale I WILL NEVER SEE AGAIN! But that is over and done with, and now here I sit 20lbs heavier than when I got pregnant. Awesome...

So the time is now. I've got to loose weight. I've especially got to loose weight if I want to have another kid. There are so many reasons why weight loss for me is so important right now. I suppose you could call them goals to, but they aren't really goals they are more important than goals. They are necessary for my life! To name a few:
*Jessalynn Jean Taube--> I can't think of a more important reason to get my weight under control. It is so essential that she learns healthy eating habits from the start, and well guess what? That start is now! She is 4 months old today, and will start eating solids very soon! She needs a role model and that role model has got to be me! I need to show her that eating healthy, and exercise is just an essential part of life. The LAST thing I would ever want my daughter to have to go through is being heavy. I could stop here, because this my friends is really the only reason I should have for losing weight.

*My Health/Physical Ability--> Not many heavy people major in Health and Physical Education in College. BUT I DID! :) I love to be active. I love sports, I love being outside, I love competition and having fun. I suppose I could sit here and blame Nick for alot, and during this time of weight loss I probably will. But in reality, I am who I am. He is not forcing me to sit and watch t.v instead of going for a walk. He is not forcing me to eat the gynomous box of frosted flakes, or the umpteen cans of rolls he bought at the store. Even though, yes he plays a huge role in what I do and what I eat, I do make my own choices and decisions. These choices and decisions have got to change. Back to being active though... I have let my body down. I have gained so much weight over the last few years that it hurts to be active, which only leads me into a viscous cycle. I need to remember how good it feels to run, to climb stairs without getting out of breath, to swim until my legs can't kick anymore. I WANT TO BE ACTIVE, and my weight is such a hindrance of that. This all relates to my overall health of my body. Even though I can't see it, or I may not be feeling the effects right now, realistically I'm slowly killing myself... that needs to change.

*My Wardrobe --> For many people when they start to loose weight they go out and by a piece of "goal clothing." Well I am happy to tell you I will not be going out to by any clothing, why? Because my whole entire closet is packed for of clothes I haven't been able to fit in for over a year. Awesome huh? This is main reason #3 for loosing weight. I HAVE A LOT OF CLOTHES... that I can't fit in. It's more than depressing trying to get ready in the morning looking at all of these clothes that I have picked out that don't fit. When I loose weight, it will be like I won the lottery and bought a whole new wardrobe... this excites me!

There are just so many things I want to do in life and my weight is holding me back from so much. I want to be able to comfortably run a 5k, I want to climb the rock wall at my gym, and be able to wrap one the gym towels around my body to go take a shower. I want to comfortably sit in a seat on a plane or in the seat of a roller coaster.I want to be able to shop at Victoria's Secret or any "regular" store for that matter. I want to be the best mom I can be, playing with Jessa where ever she wants to play. I want to be a better wife, and have more energy. So what's holding me back??

FOOD!

Why is food such a struggle? It sounds so easy to say "just say no." Lets face it, it's an addiction. Why can I not just eat 1 cookie instead of 4? AND TELL ME WHY my husband or friends can eat just as bad as I do and not gain an ounce. I feel like journey is going to be a lot about the realization that I AM WHO I AM, and believe it or not I AM IN CONTROL! Yes food controls me, but it's not jumping into my mouth, I am the one putting it there. I do wish it were easier though, and I may use this blog to complain/vent whatever you want to call it. It is a struggle, it's the biggest and only struggle I can't get rid of.

But here is to a fresh start. I could really use encouragement throughout this time. I haven't quite figured out how I want to structure my posts, or even if I will. I just felt like it was time to face the facts and share with the world that I AM STRUGGLING and I AM GOING TO LOOSE WEIGHT!

I am giving anyone that reads this permission to hold me accountable. Every night before bed, I will make sure I have tracked all of the food that I have had to eat that day. Baby steps right? I've only been trying to do this for o yanno, 3 years now.

One last thought... I am so bad at coming up with a plan. Mostly because I don't want this to take over my life, but it already has so why not make it take over in a good positive way? I'm struggling though with coming up with a plan and following through with it. How do I change that? I want to say, I'm going to track my food and only eat 1,700 calories a day or I am going to cut my portions down to what the serving size is on whatever I'm eating. But I just have trouble following through with things. How do I do this, and what realistic goals should I have?

I should end here.

The things we do for our kids

There are few things worse than being sick and feeling like junk. Here are a few I can think of.
* Being sick and taking care of an infant
* Being sick and Nursing a child
* Being sick, having your milk supply decrease and drinking this NASTY "mothers tea" to increase it.

I suppose though, in the big picture it is all worth it. Jessa was so funny today. She was talking non-stop, ALL DAY LONG! At times I want to yell SHUT UP, but secretly I think it's the cutest thing in the whole world and wishes everyone's kid was as cute as mine. :) (I can say that right?)

Anyway, I just love spending time with her. Yes it's been hard to keep her entertained when all I feel like doing is laying in bed with the covers up to my chin and watching all of the Oprah shows I have on DVR. But she brings so much joy to my life. I love watching her learn, watching her get frustrated at something, and of course listening to her, watching her and making her laugh.

Here's to hoping I get better soon, but in the mean time I will still be smiling because this little girl cracks me up.

For your viewing pleasure, a little of what I got to enjoy today:
YouTube Video, click here

Stalkers

It's weird to think I have no idea who reads this. The link was at one point on my facebook page but has since been taken off. (my first post about my pregnancy to be exact.)Well, if anyone out there is like me they have bookmarked my blog the first time they found out about it and has been secretly stalking me ever since... And yes, I did say "if anyone is like me."

I LOVE reading people's blogs. Not so much a fan on reading people's that I don't know, but there is something about reading about another life. I suppose it makes me feel more "normal." Everyone struggles, everyone has good days and bad days and everyone has exciting news at some point in their life... these things are what people tend to blog about. And of course, the pointless crap that makes you feel normal that your not the only one without a Hollywood life. My point is, reading someones blog is sort of like reading people's minds, which isn't that a life dream of everyone's?

OK... officially, i'm crazy. :)




















So here is your time to fess up. Are you a secret blog stalker? It's ok you can come out from hiding, but I do realize you will probably stay hidden as that is what I would do too!

A quick fix

Ok, the blog has been revamped visually... I'm not 100% sold on it yet, but it was my best effort for a quick fix. Ok, maybe I wouldn't call it "quick" but quicker than normal we'll just leave it at that.

Jessa is down for a nap, finally. I think I should probably be napping to since I have finally caught whatever grossness is going around. BOOOO! Instead I'm using this non-whining baby time to whine about my sickness and my supposedly teething child. She has been awful today! I haven't gotten frustrated with her in quite some time but today i'm frustrated. I just can't figure out what to do to make her stop this low, dull whine... all day.

I used to babysit this kid that would always tell on himself. I feel like doing that to myself right now. Earlier I couldn't take it any longer so I swaddled Jessa up put her her in her crib, turned the volume off on the monitor and went and took a bath. Granted I could still see her on the monitor, I had no guilt in just letting her whine. It's not even a cry, it's so strange. ANYWAY when I got out of the tub, I went and put her pacifier back in her mouth and TA-DA! She's passed out. I don't think I should or will make this a habit but, it was sort of nice letting her wear herself out for once.

AHH! She is even whining in her sleep now. This has got to stop!

On a completely unrelated note, Jessica Garst is coming to spend the weekend with me and I'm totally pumped. I must knock this sore throat, cough and running nose away so I can have some much needed catching up with her. I'm thinking I might get a little crazy and even attempt the movies with her. That would be a nice!!

What do you all think of the new design of the blog. Keep it or leave it?

Yikes

What a visual mess my blog has been since Jessa has been born... this needs to be fixed ASAP!

A look back...

So it's night number 2 that I can't sleep. I'm more than tired, exhausted might be a word used to describe what I'm feeling. I've been in bed for almost 2 hours now, and after watching Teen Mom 2, tried to close my eyes... but no such luck.

Nick's gone on Business to PA for the week and I'm left at home to keep the household running. Yes... that sounds really strange. It's strange enough that I have my very own child that depends on me 24 hours a day, but when you add a 16 year old depending on you too, it's just a really strange feeling. Usually when Nick is gone on business it's my excuse to not clean, not cook, and basically just resort to "college life." It's so much different this trip. I have responsibilities and lots of them. It's a love/hate sort of deal. Having these so called responsibilities is making the time go by faster than normal, however I can't lay around in my pj's all day, watching reruns of Oprah and occasionally flipping to Maury to find out "who is the father?" I can't grab a pizza for dinner... or eat doughnuts for every meal. (Not that I've ever done that before??) Let's face it... I'M OFFICIALLY A MOM.

I made the mistake tonight of wondering what happened to my old blog I started back when I went to work in NC for the summer. Searching for this blog brought me to my old Purdue email address, which brings old emails, which brings old memories, which brings me to where I am right now, emotional. :) My life has changed so much since College. I'm looking through my old inbox and while the setup is different, I can picture myself sitting in each of my 5 rooms I lived in writing and reading these emails. It's seriously like I'm back in those old rooms, and then I hear Jessa on the monitor next to me and I'm back to reality.

College was by far the hardest experience I have ever gone through. As if trying to find yourself and become an adult isn't hard enough pile on homework and tests and the pressure of "thinking" your whole life is depending on what you are doing at this moment. Wow... I'm stressed just thinking about it. However, with all that said, my glimpse back into the world of college tonight put a smile on my face, and butterfly's in my tummy. Those WHERE good days, I DID find myself, I DID become an adult, and by golly I'm still alive and doing well, even though I'm doing nothing with my diploma I worked so hard for. Where am I going with this???

I need to learn to step back and be grateful for my life in the present. All too often I find myself living in the future and when I take a step back, I realize I missed out on truly enjoying a wonderful experience. Just today I was driving with Jessa in the back seat, and I couldn't keep my eyes off her. (that darn mirror I have is sure to cause an accident someday!) All I could think is I am SO incredibly lucky to have such a perfect little girl. With that said, I couldn't have made such a perfect little girl without an amazing husband. I am so blessed with the life I have been given, why am I not taking full advantage of it?

While searching for my old blog I came upon a blog I suppose I tried to start before I made this one. It was titled "The way to prepare for life is to begin to live." I liked this when I read it, I felt like wow! that's a good quote. But as I read it again, What does it even mean???? I'm sitting here hysterically laughing because I feel like it's so... "deep" that it doesn't even make sense. Why am I writing about this? This post is going nowhere tonight.

I wanted to copy and paste my last blog entry of my blog I started right before the wedding. Some may understand it, some may not but I had to pat myself on the back because it's really good writing!!
Here it is titled "A lot of Honesty"

The date today is August 6th, 2008. Alot has happened since the last post. For example, i've pretty much become a US traveler. July 11th, I left camp to drive to Knoxville, TN to get on an airplane and fly to Indy to be in Sara and Kenny's Wedding (which was AMAZING by the way.) On July 13th, I flew out of Indy drove 2 1/2 hours back to Camp, told them "It's time for me to leave" packed my things, said my goodbyes and traveled 10 hours in my car.... with no speedometer, back to Indy to sleep at my brothers for the night. The next morning I got back in my car and headed up to Valpo to hang out at my parents house for a few weeks, to decide what i was doing with my life. It's a strange day when you have no responsibilities, are sleeping on a pull out couch, have no income, and your soon to be husband is a thousand miles away... Needless to say, one questions what life has in store for them next.

A few weeks went by... a good few weeks. Caught up with old friends then realized... Valpo was not where i was suppose to be right now. I needed to be with Nick, I need to see that person i was going to Marry in just about 2 months. So i did just what every girl does best... i panicked. I lost sense of who i was, what i was doing, where i was going and just about everything that was important to me. I called Nick at about 1am one night, confessed that i was one big ball...of everything i didn't want to be, and about 12 hours later I was on a plane to meet my Prince Charming.

Its funny... Life that is. Just when you think you have everything figured out and nothing possibly could go wrong... thats when the world shakes and you fall on your face. I feel so privileged to have people to support me and pick me back up when those times happen. I don't know what i would do without those certain people in my life.

I'm not one to tell you that everything is fine and dandy when it's not... which is why it was best that I leave camp. I wonder to myself often if that is a good quality or a bad quality of mine... then i realize... it's just me!! I worry about pointless stuff, and I freak about little things... but in the end I have faith that this is my life, and it will work out according to God's plan.

So here i sit in Houston TX. Something like the 4th largest city in the world?? (I'm totally pulling that out of my rear) I never expected myself to end up here. I still don't know if i see Houston as a reality. It scares me down here, it's so unfamiliar... everything is so "new."

Here i am, with my heart open on the table scared, broken, anxious, imperfect and totally insecure... But I feel ok with where I am. For the first time in a long while, I'm choosing to Trust God again."


I hate this post for what it stands for, and a memory I wish to forget. But there is something so refreshing about reading that. It was a huge turning point in my life, and while a lot of things have changed about me, such as my age, my marital status, my homeowner status, my child bearing status along with many more life experiences and more grown up emotions... I'm still me and for that I'm so grateful :) The last few lines of that blog, "Here i am, with my heart open on the table scared, broken, anxious, imperfect and totally insecure... But I feel ok with where I am. For the first time in a long while, I'm choosing to Trust God again" THAT'S ME!

...................................................................................
It's always fun to start a new post and wonder what I will be discussing by the end of it. I never end a post how I expected to when I started writing, but that's what makes writing so fun. I had so much more to say, but apparently what got written down tonight is what I needed to get out, so there you have it folks...