After my last doctors appointment and finding out I had dilated to a 3 in a week I got pretty excited and wondered if maybe Jacen would share the same birthday with Zac. The only problem with this "plan" is that my Doula's son's birthday is also the 24th and she had told me she missed his 1st birthday, and if for some reason I did deliver on the 24th, she would miss his 2nd too.
Here we are June 23rd. I feel different. Labor is such a waiting game, one min. i'm sure this is it, the next I feel like I could go all the way to my due date. It definitively a roller coaster ride. I can feel my stomach tightening, I have been excessively hot all day.. I suppose though only time will tell if it's the real deal or not.
I've had a lot of people questioning me "are you ready?" I suppose the reason for this post tonight is to remember how I was feeling before I welcome my 2nd child into the world.
... I can't believe I'm going to be a mom of 2...
This pregnancy has definitely flown by. It really does seem like yesterday it was the morning of Jessa's birthday party and I got my first dark positive line on my pregnancy text. I was overjoyed, scared, and in disbelief I had actually gotten pregnant in Cancun like we had planned for... before we even had Jessa. I was pretty sure it would take a few months of trying to get pregnant, which would put the kids at exactly 2 years apart, however on the 1st "try" it happened.
20 months. That's the space in between my children. Am I ready? No not at all. I don't feel mentally prepared for what's about to happen. Would I have been more prepared if we would have waiting a few months? I can't answer that, I can only answer that I"m scared out of my mind on how to take care of two "babies."
Jessa is about the coolest kid I know. She is overly helpful, super sweet, very nurturing, and overall an almost perfect child. I couldn't have asked for a better behaved kid! With that said, she has her moments. She gets her hand, mouth and behind slapped at times, she gets her full name called out in an angry tone and has also recently been sent to her "time out crib" (AKA the only space she can cool down without running away from.) I'm feeling extra guilty that her days as an only child are so limited. I feel like I took her 2nd year of life away from her from being pregnant during it, which limited my abilities to do things, and then these next couple of months leading up to her 2nd birthday will be spent splitting my time between her and a newborn. I wish I had more time with her, and her alone...
I'm nervous my fuse with Jessa is going to be shortened due to lack of sleep, and just the over all frustrations that come along with having a new born. I don't want this to happen. I'm scared she is going to get put on the back burner during times where I am nursing, and Barney is going to become a better friend to her than her own mom.
Like I said, I'm just feeling mentally unprepared for this...
How do you even prepare for this?
I keep telling myself I have time, I have time. Reality is my hospital bags are packed, my little boy's clothes are washed and folded in his dresser, his bed has clean sheets on it and the car seat is 1/2 way installed in the car... we are "ready" for him to come home and complete our family. Just maybe not tonight???
I feel like I just need more time, just a few more days, a few more mins, a few more seconds alone with my daughter, and then I'll be ready. Ready to hold a sweet baby boy that me and my one and only true love made together. I'll be ready to look at his face, kiss his sweet cheeks, count his fingers and toes and go crazy at how beautiful his little features are. Maybe in a few days I'll be ready to forget all the craziness that having a newborn in the house holds, the late nights, the crying, the inconsistent schedule, maybe in a few days I'll forget that happens and focus my happiness that God has blessed me with two babies, a beautiful girl and a handsome boy. Maybe in a few days my life will feel complete... For right now, I'm not sure that I'm ready... Or am I?
If you are reading this, please say a little prayer for me. I'm scared, not because I don't think I can do it, because I know I can. I'm scared that I"m not going to be good at it. I'm scared I"m going to hate every moment of the next year. I'm scared that I'm going to dread waking up in the morning for fear of what the day will hold. I want it to be easy, I want to fall so in love with my son the way I have with my daughter... please pray that happens.
For now, I'll sit and wait. Sit and pray. Prepare my mind for two babies because let's face it... It will happen sooner than later. I will meet my baby boy soon.
