Here goes nothing...

So i've contemplated writing this entry for a while now. I'm not sure what I have been afraid of, failure probably. But the time is now to make a change. I started my pregnancy off on a higher weight than I would have liked to. We weren't expecting to have a child so soon, but it is what it is. I survived my pregnancy carrying around far more weight than I would have liked to. I saw numbers on the scale I WILL NEVER SEE AGAIN! But that is over and done with, and now here I sit 20lbs heavier than when I got pregnant. Awesome...

So the time is now. I've got to loose weight. I've especially got to loose weight if I want to have another kid. There are so many reasons why weight loss for me is so important right now. I suppose you could call them goals to, but they aren't really goals they are more important than goals. They are necessary for my life! To name a few:
*Jessalynn Jean Taube--> I can't think of a more important reason to get my weight under control. It is so essential that she learns healthy eating habits from the start, and well guess what? That start is now! She is 4 months old today, and will start eating solids very soon! She needs a role model and that role model has got to be me! I need to show her that eating healthy, and exercise is just an essential part of life. The LAST thing I would ever want my daughter to have to go through is being heavy. I could stop here, because this my friends is really the only reason I should have for losing weight.

*My Health/Physical Ability--> Not many heavy people major in Health and Physical Education in College. BUT I DID! :) I love to be active. I love sports, I love being outside, I love competition and having fun. I suppose I could sit here and blame Nick for alot, and during this time of weight loss I probably will. But in reality, I am who I am. He is not forcing me to sit and watch t.v instead of going for a walk. He is not forcing me to eat the gynomous box of frosted flakes, or the umpteen cans of rolls he bought at the store. Even though, yes he plays a huge role in what I do and what I eat, I do make my own choices and decisions. These choices and decisions have got to change. Back to being active though... I have let my body down. I have gained so much weight over the last few years that it hurts to be active, which only leads me into a viscous cycle. I need to remember how good it feels to run, to climb stairs without getting out of breath, to swim until my legs can't kick anymore. I WANT TO BE ACTIVE, and my weight is such a hindrance of that. This all relates to my overall health of my body. Even though I can't see it, or I may not be feeling the effects right now, realistically I'm slowly killing myself... that needs to change.

*My Wardrobe --> For many people when they start to loose weight they go out and by a piece of "goal clothing." Well I am happy to tell you I will not be going out to by any clothing, why? Because my whole entire closet is packed for of clothes I haven't been able to fit in for over a year. Awesome huh? This is main reason #3 for loosing weight. I HAVE A LOT OF CLOTHES... that I can't fit in. It's more than depressing trying to get ready in the morning looking at all of these clothes that I have picked out that don't fit. When I loose weight, it will be like I won the lottery and bought a whole new wardrobe... this excites me!

There are just so many things I want to do in life and my weight is holding me back from so much. I want to be able to comfortably run a 5k, I want to climb the rock wall at my gym, and be able to wrap one the gym towels around my body to go take a shower. I want to comfortably sit in a seat on a plane or in the seat of a roller coaster.I want to be able to shop at Victoria's Secret or any "regular" store for that matter. I want to be the best mom I can be, playing with Jessa where ever she wants to play. I want to be a better wife, and have more energy. So what's holding me back??

FOOD!

Why is food such a struggle? It sounds so easy to say "just say no." Lets face it, it's an addiction. Why can I not just eat 1 cookie instead of 4? AND TELL ME WHY my husband or friends can eat just as bad as I do and not gain an ounce. I feel like journey is going to be a lot about the realization that I AM WHO I AM, and believe it or not I AM IN CONTROL! Yes food controls me, but it's not jumping into my mouth, I am the one putting it there. I do wish it were easier though, and I may use this blog to complain/vent whatever you want to call it. It is a struggle, it's the biggest and only struggle I can't get rid of.

But here is to a fresh start. I could really use encouragement throughout this time. I haven't quite figured out how I want to structure my posts, or even if I will. I just felt like it was time to face the facts and share with the world that I AM STRUGGLING and I AM GOING TO LOOSE WEIGHT!

I am giving anyone that reads this permission to hold me accountable. Every night before bed, I will make sure I have tracked all of the food that I have had to eat that day. Baby steps right? I've only been trying to do this for o yanno, 3 years now.

One last thought... I am so bad at coming up with a plan. Mostly because I don't want this to take over my life, but it already has so why not make it take over in a good positive way? I'm struggling though with coming up with a plan and following through with it. How do I change that? I want to say, I'm going to track my food and only eat 1,700 calories a day or I am going to cut my portions down to what the serving size is on whatever I'm eating. But I just have trouble following through with things. How do I do this, and what realistic goals should I have?

I should end here.