I know, I know, I should probably be napping too but it's just such a rare moment in the day light that I want to do pointless things other than rest. I suppose it's still rest though.
I feel like I need to jot a few notes down.
#1: PROBIOTICS SAVED MY LIFE!... I feel like I wrote this statement with Jessa but something else was in the title, and I have no idea what it was. Humm... Must check that out.
Jacen is finally opening his eyes, looking around, SMILING! and cooing. Ahhh Music and Sights to my ears and eyes. My little heart might explode if he keeps this up. Today he is 7 weeks and 2 days old. I finally feel like I'm going to make it! I WILL be a good parent and I WILL love both of my children equally! Wow... it's been a tough road!
#2: JESSA IS GROWING UP! Jessa starts a Mothers Day Out program here in a few weeks. She will be going to "school" 2 days a week (tues/thurs) from 9:30-2:30. She will eat lunch and nap at the school, which is really a church. Wow, I'm super excited for her but I'm also nervous for a whole other adjustment period... didn't we just get through one of those? Oya, we are currently still in it!
#3: What else do I have to write about besides my little J and Big J? There's really not much else going on, Nick and I are surviving, I'm excited to be able to hold a conversation with him for longer than 5 mins on a daily basis again. Last night he slept in the guest room because he was sneezing and didn't want to wake up Jacen who refuses to sleep in his crib, or even just in his own room... awesome huh? I have promised myself over and over again I WILL NOT be one of those parents allowing their kid to sleep in their room... I realize he is only 7 weeks old but COME ON BUDDY... time to man up and sleep in your crib! Mommy wants her room back! :)
I was looking back on pictures of Jessa and realizing we have A LOT yet to come. I forgot all the "firsts." I've been so focused on just getting Jacen to not cry and praying that he starts walking soon, that I forgot all that's in between! Sitting up, crawling, 1st foods, standing... the list goes on. We have a whole year until like regains a bit of "easiness" but I'm starting to look forward to the coming months rather than dreading them... I just hope we can have a child that likes sleep as much as Jessa did... did I mention this is the 1st nap Jacen has taken that's longer than 20 mins with me not holding him in...5ish days? Yes, a true miracle I tell yoU!
See you back in a week or so to do a monthly update on the kiddos ;)
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Proud Mama
I'm not one to brag, especially about my kid. At least I don't try to. On here it's different because (to my knowledge) not a lot of people know about this little blog. Anyway... today calls for a total brag moment!
Lets set the scene (so far this week):
*Started 5 week old Jacen on Zantac
*Been a week from Hell with Jacen, crying constantly
*Jessa go attacked by ants from stepping in a mound
*Jessa woke up cover in pee from head to toe
*Bad mom moment of the year made Jacen throw up all over himself by putting in the swing on high while crying because I thought he was just crying to cry.
*Left the keys in the Charger and drained the battery
*$160 and 24 hours later Nick got a new battery in the car
*24hour trail run with Formula turned into 2 formula feedings and a crazy mom.
So, as you can see we have not had a normal week in the least. So it's only fitting that today:
*Jacen slept from 9:30pm-9am with 1 feeding and continued to eat and sleep the rest of the day without crying for more than a few minutes at a time
AND THEN
*Around 5pm I noticed Jessa looking like she has to poo. We have bought Jessa a few "potty books" and she has one that she makes me read to her everyday. Anyway, usually if I can tell she is about to go, I usually ask her if she is pooping or peeing just so she can correlate the two. Today, as I'm nursing I ask her, "Jessa, are you pooping? Do you want to use the potty?" The kids eyes get so big she runs to the bathroom while I'm yelling for Nick to go help her since i'm stuck nursing in a chair. Thinking it was just a fluke I hear Nick cheering from the bathroom! I sat smiling from ear to ear and couldn't wait to make the biggest deal out of what she just accomplished. Fast forward to bed time, Nick sits her on it again... she goes AGAIN! And then after her bath too! WHOA!
I told Nick I am SO SO SO thankful for the timing of this. Even though this may make my life really difficult trying to nurse a newborn and put a kid on the potty she couldn't have found a better way to gain attention. She has been lacking attention so much since almost all of my effort all day long is put into Jacen that this will give her a chance to be praised and have attention that Jacen can't get.
WAY TO GO JESSA!
I'm more than a proud mama right now!!
Lets set the scene (so far this week):
*Started 5 week old Jacen on Zantac
*Been a week from Hell with Jacen, crying constantly
*Jessa go attacked by ants from stepping in a mound
*Jessa woke up cover in pee from head to toe
*Bad mom moment of the year made Jacen throw up all over himself by putting in the swing on high while crying because I thought he was just crying to cry.
*Left the keys in the Charger and drained the battery
*$160 and 24 hours later Nick got a new battery in the car
*24hour trail run with Formula turned into 2 formula feedings and a crazy mom.
So, as you can see we have not had a normal week in the least. So it's only fitting that today:
*Jacen slept from 9:30pm-9am with 1 feeding and continued to eat and sleep the rest of the day without crying for more than a few minutes at a time
AND THEN
*Around 5pm I noticed Jessa looking like she has to poo. We have bought Jessa a few "potty books" and she has one that she makes me read to her everyday. Anyway, usually if I can tell she is about to go, I usually ask her if she is pooping or peeing just so she can correlate the two. Today, as I'm nursing I ask her, "Jessa, are you pooping? Do you want to use the potty?" The kids eyes get so big she runs to the bathroom while I'm yelling for Nick to go help her since i'm stuck nursing in a chair. Thinking it was just a fluke I hear Nick cheering from the bathroom! I sat smiling from ear to ear and couldn't wait to make the biggest deal out of what she just accomplished. Fast forward to bed time, Nick sits her on it again... she goes AGAIN! And then after her bath too! WHOA!
I told Nick I am SO SO SO thankful for the timing of this. Even though this may make my life really difficult trying to nurse a newborn and put a kid on the potty she couldn't have found a better way to gain attention. She has been lacking attention so much since almost all of my effort all day long is put into Jacen that this will give her a chance to be praised and have attention that Jacen can't get.
WAY TO GO JESSA!
I'm more than a proud mama right now!!
Thursday, August 2, 2012
I may or may not be crying as I write this.
I'm exhausted, worn out, emotionally drained, hungry, my nipples are killing me and did I mention I was tired? I feel like the worst mom on the face of the earth. Sometimes I find myself questioning why I was even allowed to parent when I act the way I do.
I personally do not know of someone that can not calm their child down. Why do I feel like I'm the only one that doesn't know how to console my screaming child? I keep telling Nick "I don't think this is how normal babies act." But what if he is a normal baby and I'm just an awful parent? Am I not reading his "signs?" What am I doing wrong, because the way this is going I have to be doing SOMETHING wrong?!?!
I've tried almost everything I can think of, and I don't know what's left. All I feel like doing during the day is locking him in a room and playing with Jessa. I feel like I've been neglecting all of Jessa's needs. Today she cried the whole morning... then I had 10 free mins to sit down and play with her. She was a different child during this time, it was complete bliss. I miss her so much. I miss cuddling with her, having her sit on my lap and just telling her I love her. I never get to hold her anymore, I'm always holding him, bouncing him, shhhhing him, and yes, yelling at him that I just can't take it anymore. I miss her, I miss her smile and her laugh. I miss tickling her to the point her face goes red from laughing so hard, yet she wants me to keep going. I miss teaching her things, talking to her and trying to understand her babbling. Lately I can't even hear her over the shrieking that is taking place.
Somehow through this all she is the best big sister ever. I think if we can get past this craziness they really will be best friends. Today I put him down on the ground and she goes over and just pats his belly and says "HI!" Like he is the most loveable little boy in the whole world. (why can't I feel that way?) He almost instantly calms down and just looks at her... you can tell he really adores her. Maybe it's just because they speak the same language. During this little place fest they had going on, Jessa dropped a toy on Jacen's head. He started screaming (which was acceptable) I asked Jessa to say she was sorry (we are trying to learn this word at the moment) she did then proceeded to grab her sleep sack and put her head down. I asked if she wanted to keep playing with Jacen and she just said 'No' really sad. It was crazy how awful she felt about making him cry... like it's something new that he does.
I know I went through this with Jessa and I remember it does get better but right now I'm feeling very helpless. I know that friends offer to help, but really? I'm not going to shove my screaming kid at you while I go take a shower. I won't do that to you! Especially since almost all that have offered have kids of their own.
I know I wanted two kids, but two kids feels totally impossible right now. I don't know what I was thinking. I especially don't know what I was thinking when I thought I should go off birth control so soon.
I want to laugh again, I want to get out of the house without being terrified he's going to start crying. In fact, I just want to go a whole day without freaking out if I make one "wrong" move and set the whole day up for failure. I want to drink milk again, and eat cheese. Actually I just want to be able to eat anything and not panic if he's going to react to it or not. I know this is selfish and that I should want to do anything for my kids... but honestly I don't.
Let's get honest here? HA! Like I haven't already.
It's hard to say his name. I'm not even sure I like him at all. I look at him and wonder if he really is my child. I couldn't have given birth to something that I don't even like, right? He's made my life so much harder... so much harder. Did I mention how much harder he has made my life? I can't think straight, I can't sleep, I can't even smile. I miss my husband, I miss my daughter... I miss enjoying life. Life isn't fun, nor is it even enjoyable right now. I was going to say, waking up in the morning is dreadful, but actually every 3 hours is... I'm not even sure what the morning is anymore.
I went pretty crazy with Jessa during her "colicky" phase, but I was able to sleep when I could get her down. I could sleep in the chair with her all day. I could hold her all day... I had rest. With #2 I spend my whole day attempting to get him settled enough to put down so I can change Jessa's diaper, feed her, put her in her crib for a nap... I have someone else to care about. Sure it's nice to go to the bathroom myself once in awhile, but that can wait. Jessa, not so much.
I just don't know how much more I can take. I just wish there was a solution and I wish I didn't feel so awful and like it was completely my fault for why he cries all day.
I'm exhausted, worn out, emotionally drained, hungry, my nipples are killing me and did I mention I was tired? I feel like the worst mom on the face of the earth. Sometimes I find myself questioning why I was even allowed to parent when I act the way I do.
I personally do not know of someone that can not calm their child down. Why do I feel like I'm the only one that doesn't know how to console my screaming child? I keep telling Nick "I don't think this is how normal babies act." But what if he is a normal baby and I'm just an awful parent? Am I not reading his "signs?" What am I doing wrong, because the way this is going I have to be doing SOMETHING wrong?!?!
I've tried almost everything I can think of, and I don't know what's left. All I feel like doing during the day is locking him in a room and playing with Jessa. I feel like I've been neglecting all of Jessa's needs. Today she cried the whole morning... then I had 10 free mins to sit down and play with her. She was a different child during this time, it was complete bliss. I miss her so much. I miss cuddling with her, having her sit on my lap and just telling her I love her. I never get to hold her anymore, I'm always holding him, bouncing him, shhhhing him, and yes, yelling at him that I just can't take it anymore. I miss her, I miss her smile and her laugh. I miss tickling her to the point her face goes red from laughing so hard, yet she wants me to keep going. I miss teaching her things, talking to her and trying to understand her babbling. Lately I can't even hear her over the shrieking that is taking place.
Somehow through this all she is the best big sister ever. I think if we can get past this craziness they really will be best friends. Today I put him down on the ground and she goes over and just pats his belly and says "HI!" Like he is the most loveable little boy in the whole world. (why can't I feel that way?) He almost instantly calms down and just looks at her... you can tell he really adores her. Maybe it's just because they speak the same language. During this little place fest they had going on, Jessa dropped a toy on Jacen's head. He started screaming (which was acceptable) I asked Jessa to say she was sorry (we are trying to learn this word at the moment) she did then proceeded to grab her sleep sack and put her head down. I asked if she wanted to keep playing with Jacen and she just said 'No' really sad. It was crazy how awful she felt about making him cry... like it's something new that he does.
I know I went through this with Jessa and I remember it does get better but right now I'm feeling very helpless. I know that friends offer to help, but really? I'm not going to shove my screaming kid at you while I go take a shower. I won't do that to you! Especially since almost all that have offered have kids of their own.
I know I wanted two kids, but two kids feels totally impossible right now. I don't know what I was thinking. I especially don't know what I was thinking when I thought I should go off birth control so soon.
I want to laugh again, I want to get out of the house without being terrified he's going to start crying. In fact, I just want to go a whole day without freaking out if I make one "wrong" move and set the whole day up for failure. I want to drink milk again, and eat cheese. Actually I just want to be able to eat anything and not panic if he's going to react to it or not. I know this is selfish and that I should want to do anything for my kids... but honestly I don't.
Let's get honest here? HA! Like I haven't already.
It's hard to say his name. I'm not even sure I like him at all. I look at him and wonder if he really is my child. I couldn't have given birth to something that I don't even like, right? He's made my life so much harder... so much harder. Did I mention how much harder he has made my life? I can't think straight, I can't sleep, I can't even smile. I miss my husband, I miss my daughter... I miss enjoying life. Life isn't fun, nor is it even enjoyable right now. I was going to say, waking up in the morning is dreadful, but actually every 3 hours is... I'm not even sure what the morning is anymore.
I went pretty crazy with Jessa during her "colicky" phase, but I was able to sleep when I could get her down. I could sleep in the chair with her all day. I could hold her all day... I had rest. With #2 I spend my whole day attempting to get him settled enough to put down so I can change Jessa's diaper, feed her, put her in her crib for a nap... I have someone else to care about. Sure it's nice to go to the bathroom myself once in awhile, but that can wait. Jessa, not so much.
I just don't know how much more I can take. I just wish there was a solution and I wish I didn't feel so awful and like it was completely my fault for why he cries all day.
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