Jessa... Please stop crying all day long! I'm not sure I can handle this...
Why do people choose to have kids? It's a simple question that I haven't seem to found the answer to yet. I hope I do quickly!
And I hope tomorrow is a step forward, because today I feel like running far far far away.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Dear Jessa (one month)
Dear Jessalynn,
Today is Thanksgiving. You are exactly one month old today. It is such a strange feeling that the days go by so slowly, but somehow I can't believe it's already been a whole month since I first met you. Your Aunt Sarah has been here all week and is leaving tomorrow. I'm not sure of the impression that you have made on her. I would love to write that you were a perfect angel all week and looked at her with your big, almost brown eyes, smiled and she fell madly in love with you and wanted to steal you and take you home with her. However, I would be lying to you if I told you that story. Aunt Sarah has got to see you and me both at our worst and our best this week... lets just hope she loves us the same when she boards her plane tomorrow, as when she got off her plane earlier this week.
The events of the last two weeks are somewhat of a blur. I have tried my hardest to look at you everyday and make at least one special moment throughout the day just holding your tiny body, realizing that sooner than later it's not going to be so tiny anymore. You are growing so fast and already weight 10lbs!! You are still remaining just as cute as you have always been though. I have a hard time describing to anyone my feelings for you these past two weeks. I often ask Daddy "How can I love someone so much, more than anything in the world, but at the same time want place you in your crib and run for the front door!" I'm sure as you are growing up I will get to explain to you more of how the first month of your life was for Daddy and I, and while doing that I'm sure I will mention more often than not the feelings of helplessness I had with you. For the last two weeks you have cried, sometimes it feels like all day! These last few days have been filled with you crying, sleeping and eating. Once in awhile you will open those beautiful eyes of yours, but even those times are short lived followed by more cries. I pick you up and ask you "Why?" "What is wrong baby?" Daddy and I try everything short of hanging you by your toes trying to figure out how to make you happy again. I often find myself in tears, usually calling Grandma to try and calm me down, and also seek advice from her. Her advice usually consists of telling me to take deep breaths and then she goes on and on about how precious you are! (I'm pretty sure she is third in line as far as loving you goes!) I'm not sure what I would do without her, and I can only pray that I can be as wonderful of a mom to you as she has been to me. Our relationship is so special, something that I cherish so much. When Daddy told me you were a girl, my heart skipped a little beat hoping that we can have a just as special of a bond as Grandma and I have.
You are currently sleeping in your chair next to me on our bed. Daddy and I have put you down for naps twice today in your crib. I think you will be extra cozy in there for the days to come. Right now though I like having you close, even if I wake up to your squeaks through the night. I should mention that you already have a nickname. Grandma calls you squeaky, and Daddy has picked up on this too. I like to go with alittle more flavor to my nicknames and call you squeaky mc squeak alot, or sqeakazoid (when you are crying) basically I make up my names for you as I go along with the day. Somehow though at the end of the day Jessa is the name that fits you best! Jessalynn Jean, it's so perfect for you :)
Jessa, when you are sleeping all I want to do is hold you, and when you are crying all I want to do is put you down. You are the most amazing gift that God has ever given to me, but I suppose sometimes gifts come with a little hard work behind them. I can only hope this week goes better than the last few. I am off my meds. so hopefully your tummy can start processing my milk a little easier. I want only the best for you, and that means I will spend all of my days trying to figure out how to make you happy, or at least comfortable and content. I love you so so much, and am looking forward to our First Christmas together. I can't wait to tell you all about Santa and the Elves and of course Jesus, the whole reason we celebrate Christmas!
Sleep well tonight baby girl, dream sweet dreams and lets shoot for a wonderful day tomorrow! :)
Love, Love, Love,
Mommy
Today is Thanksgiving. You are exactly one month old today. It is such a strange feeling that the days go by so slowly, but somehow I can't believe it's already been a whole month since I first met you. Your Aunt Sarah has been here all week and is leaving tomorrow. I'm not sure of the impression that you have made on her. I would love to write that you were a perfect angel all week and looked at her with your big, almost brown eyes, smiled and she fell madly in love with you and wanted to steal you and take you home with her. However, I would be lying to you if I told you that story. Aunt Sarah has got to see you and me both at our worst and our best this week... lets just hope she loves us the same when she boards her plane tomorrow, as when she got off her plane earlier this week.
The events of the last two weeks are somewhat of a blur. I have tried my hardest to look at you everyday and make at least one special moment throughout the day just holding your tiny body, realizing that sooner than later it's not going to be so tiny anymore. You are growing so fast and already weight 10lbs!! You are still remaining just as cute as you have always been though. I have a hard time describing to anyone my feelings for you these past two weeks. I often ask Daddy "How can I love someone so much, more than anything in the world, but at the same time want place you in your crib and run for the front door!" I'm sure as you are growing up I will get to explain to you more of how the first month of your life was for Daddy and I, and while doing that I'm sure I will mention more often than not the feelings of helplessness I had with you. For the last two weeks you have cried, sometimes it feels like all day! These last few days have been filled with you crying, sleeping and eating. Once in awhile you will open those beautiful eyes of yours, but even those times are short lived followed by more cries. I pick you up and ask you "Why?" "What is wrong baby?" Daddy and I try everything short of hanging you by your toes trying to figure out how to make you happy again. I often find myself in tears, usually calling Grandma to try and calm me down, and also seek advice from her. Her advice usually consists of telling me to take deep breaths and then she goes on and on about how precious you are! (I'm pretty sure she is third in line as far as loving you goes!) I'm not sure what I would do without her, and I can only pray that I can be as wonderful of a mom to you as she has been to me. Our relationship is so special, something that I cherish so much. When Daddy told me you were a girl, my heart skipped a little beat hoping that we can have a just as special of a bond as Grandma and I have.
You are currently sleeping in your chair next to me on our bed. Daddy and I have put you down for naps twice today in your crib. I think you will be extra cozy in there for the days to come. Right now though I like having you close, even if I wake up to your squeaks through the night. I should mention that you already have a nickname. Grandma calls you squeaky, and Daddy has picked up on this too. I like to go with alittle more flavor to my nicknames and call you squeaky mc squeak alot, or sqeakazoid (when you are crying) basically I make up my names for you as I go along with the day. Somehow though at the end of the day Jessa is the name that fits you best! Jessalynn Jean, it's so perfect for you :)
Jessa, when you are sleeping all I want to do is hold you, and when you are crying all I want to do is put you down. You are the most amazing gift that God has ever given to me, but I suppose sometimes gifts come with a little hard work behind them. I can only hope this week goes better than the last few. I am off my meds. so hopefully your tummy can start processing my milk a little easier. I want only the best for you, and that means I will spend all of my days trying to figure out how to make you happy, or at least comfortable and content. I love you so so much, and am looking forward to our First Christmas together. I can't wait to tell you all about Santa and the Elves and of course Jesus, the whole reason we celebrate Christmas!
Sleep well tonight baby girl, dream sweet dreams and lets shoot for a wonderful day tomorrow! :)
Love, Love, Love,
Mommy
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Not a good day, but not a bad one either...
I scheduled a nursing consultation for this afternoon thinking it would answer many of my billion questions. It didn't go at all how I expected it to. The lady was less than professional. She begins by telling me she has a crazy migraine, then continues to leave the store, pick up a pizza, come back eat the pizza while with me and then touch my child and my boob after eating pizza. While there her 3 year old child locked himself in the room with me, banged on the door countless times after the consultation started, pooped his pants and the list goes on. I am normally a very patient person (ok maybe that's not entirely true but i'm at least an understanding person) and I just couldn't believe some of the stuff going on.
All in all, i'm not sure I got anything accomplished by going except maybe desires to give up breastfeeding all together.
The whole way home I kept thinking, did I make a huge mistake by having a child? After seeing some of ways my friends children act, I just hope that my child/children are everything but that. I'm not sure what I'll do if I end up with a child that misbehaves the way I have seen.
... I think I'm just really frustrated.
It is pretty much confirmed that not only have I exposed my very newborn child to a medication with unknown effects on humans but because of this medication I have also infected my child with a case of Thrush (AKA a yeast infection of the mouth.) Wow, trying to do the right thing by breastfeeding has proved to potentially not be the right thing at all. I could really just sit here and cry.
I also learned today that because I choose to get an epidural during my pregnancy (something I REALLLLLY was against) I know am stuck with migraines everyday until they just decide to go away. I think I need a friend right now. I"m feeling very discouraged...
It seems like just as things start going up, they end up going down again. Just when we are making progress we have another set back. WHY? WHY? WHY? I just really want to enjoy this experience which im not doing. Jessa is so beautiful and I'm more in love with her than I thought I would be, but I can't help but think what would life be like for me right now if I wouldn't have gotten pregnant.... which brings me to a whole other topic.
.... I think I need to just give Jessa a big hug right now and tell her I love her.
All in all, i'm not sure I got anything accomplished by going except maybe desires to give up breastfeeding all together.
The whole way home I kept thinking, did I make a huge mistake by having a child? After seeing some of ways my friends children act, I just hope that my child/children are everything but that. I'm not sure what I'll do if I end up with a child that misbehaves the way I have seen.
... I think I'm just really frustrated.
It is pretty much confirmed that not only have I exposed my very newborn child to a medication with unknown effects on humans but because of this medication I have also infected my child with a case of Thrush (AKA a yeast infection of the mouth.) Wow, trying to do the right thing by breastfeeding has proved to potentially not be the right thing at all. I could really just sit here and cry.
I also learned today that because I choose to get an epidural during my pregnancy (something I REALLLLLY was against) I know am stuck with migraines everyday until they just decide to go away. I think I need a friend right now. I"m feeling very discouraged...
It seems like just as things start going up, they end up going down again. Just when we are making progress we have another set back. WHY? WHY? WHY? I just really want to enjoy this experience which im not doing. Jessa is so beautiful and I'm more in love with her than I thought I would be, but I can't help but think what would life be like for me right now if I wouldn't have gotten pregnant.... which brings me to a whole other topic.
.... I think I need to just give Jessa a big hug right now and tell her I love her.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Attempt #2
The other day I wrote a letter to Jessa. I didn't like the way it turned out mainly because I think it was a little to mushy gushy for a blog. Then again I am her mother and am entitled to be that way. I am choosing to keep my first letter to her private but we will try again for #2 to be public :)
Dear Jessalynn,
Today is day number 16 of your life. I can't believe two weeks have past already since the time I first laid eyes you. You are getting bigger everyday, and while I'm so excited for the days where I get to play with you, and you can understand the books I read to you ,I am trying to cherish these squishy days as best as I can. Sometimes it's really hard because all you do is eat and cry, you don't seem to have many other modes to you. I often ask Daddy where your "switch is." I want to turn you onto happy baby mode where you look at me, smile and make my heart melt. It's not really fair to say that because every time I look at you, you make my heart melt. I love you more than you will ever know! (or until you have a child of your own, then you might start to understand, but lets not get ahead of ourselves here!)
It's been a rough few days for the 3 of us. Daddy is included with this because he has had to play nurse. I have a nasty infection from giving birth to you and the medicine that I have to take isn't very good for my milk. I spent all morning on the phone trying to figure out what was best for you because to see you not feeling well hurts me more than anything else in the world. Daddy and I came up with a plan that we thought would be best for you but that includes formula which is proving to be alittle hurtful to your tummy. My milk contains a medicine that hurts your tummy too so we are in a loose loose situation at the moment. The good thing about this is it is only for a week and we should start get back to a normal routine... or whatever you decide is normal for us at that time. It will just be the two of us during the days this week, so we will have a lot of bonding time to try and work through this crazy week together.
Each day you open your eyes more and more. Right at this moment you are sitting on Daddy's lap just looking around. There is nothing else in the world that we would rather look at than you with your eyes open. Your head is still but your eyes move back and forth like crazy trying to take everything in. Daddy and I know that you can't really see us that clearly yet but we love when you look at us :)
Today I dressed you in a cow print onesie. I'm wondering when the day will be when you ask me why in the world you had so much cow print stuff. :) I suppose I'm pretty excited for this day because I then get to share with you the story of how you came to be and I get to end with how wonderful a surprise it was to lay eyes on you and find out you were a girl!! Daddy was watching t.v the other day and I was rocking you in the chair next to him going on and on about the things I can't wait to do with you. Girls are so much more fun than boys! :) Going back to the cow print onesie, I also put pink zebra print socks on you today. Don't worry I didn't take you out in public, but I am going to put a picture of you up :) I felt like such a yucky day needed alittle spice to it and cow/zebra print sounded like the way to do it.
I must admit to you now that currently you are the source of Daddy and I's main entertainment. Sometimes when you are sleeping we making little "plays" out of you. Your limbs are limp and makes for some fun acting. Thank you for being such a great sport. With that said, we also gush over how cute you are about 23 hours of the day. I'm pretty sure every time we talk to each other the conversation always ends up being about how cute, precious, amazing, wonderful, pretty, beautiful, and perfect you are.
Jessa you are by far the hardest job I have ever had. You require so much attention, love and patience but it's something I would not trade!! Becoming your mom has been such a different experience than I expected and alot harder too. I worry about you constantly and find myself crying when you do because I just want you to be happy all the time. I love you more than you could ever know and want the absolute best for you. You are my little girl, and I"m not sure I could ever love anything more than I love you. I'm so excited for the days to come. I hope this week goes by smoothly and at the end we both feel great and have conquered our first big hiccup of life together :)
Love, Love, Love, (this is how I signed all of the letters I wrote to Daddy while we were dating.)
-Mommy
(Ps. Aunt Sarah is coming to visit on Friday. She can't wait to meet you. She has bought you tons of stuff including the Zebra socks you wore today, and the bib and the blanket you were cuddled in too. She loves you already but it will be so nice for you two to meet finally. You are extremely lucky to have such a wonderful Aunt!)
Dear Jessalynn,
Today is day number 16 of your life. I can't believe two weeks have past already since the time I first laid eyes you. You are getting bigger everyday, and while I'm so excited for the days where I get to play with you, and you can understand the books I read to you ,I am trying to cherish these squishy days as best as I can. Sometimes it's really hard because all you do is eat and cry, you don't seem to have many other modes to you. I often ask Daddy where your "switch is." I want to turn you onto happy baby mode where you look at me, smile and make my heart melt. It's not really fair to say that because every time I look at you, you make my heart melt. I love you more than you will ever know! (or until you have a child of your own, then you might start to understand, but lets not get ahead of ourselves here!)
It's been a rough few days for the 3 of us. Daddy is included with this because he has had to play nurse. I have a nasty infection from giving birth to you and the medicine that I have to take isn't very good for my milk. I spent all morning on the phone trying to figure out what was best for you because to see you not feeling well hurts me more than anything else in the world. Daddy and I came up with a plan that we thought would be best for you but that includes formula which is proving to be alittle hurtful to your tummy. My milk contains a medicine that hurts your tummy too so we are in a loose loose situation at the moment. The good thing about this is it is only for a week and we should start get back to a normal routine... or whatever you decide is normal for us at that time. It will just be the two of us during the days this week, so we will have a lot of bonding time to try and work through this crazy week together.
Each day you open your eyes more and more. Right at this moment you are sitting on Daddy's lap just looking around. There is nothing else in the world that we would rather look at than you with your eyes open. Your head is still but your eyes move back and forth like crazy trying to take everything in. Daddy and I know that you can't really see us that clearly yet but we love when you look at us :)
Today I dressed you in a cow print onesie. I'm wondering when the day will be when you ask me why in the world you had so much cow print stuff. :) I suppose I'm pretty excited for this day because I then get to share with you the story of how you came to be and I get to end with how wonderful a surprise it was to lay eyes on you and find out you were a girl!! Daddy was watching t.v the other day and I was rocking you in the chair next to him going on and on about the things I can't wait to do with you. Girls are so much more fun than boys! :) Going back to the cow print onesie, I also put pink zebra print socks on you today. Don't worry I didn't take you out in public, but I am going to put a picture of you up :) I felt like such a yucky day needed alittle spice to it and cow/zebra print sounded like the way to do it.
I must admit to you now that currently you are the source of Daddy and I's main entertainment. Sometimes when you are sleeping we making little "plays" out of you. Your limbs are limp and makes for some fun acting. Thank you for being such a great sport. With that said, we also gush over how cute you are about 23 hours of the day. I'm pretty sure every time we talk to each other the conversation always ends up being about how cute, precious, amazing, wonderful, pretty, beautiful, and perfect you are.
Jessa you are by far the hardest job I have ever had. You require so much attention, love and patience but it's something I would not trade!! Becoming your mom has been such a different experience than I expected and alot harder too. I worry about you constantly and find myself crying when you do because I just want you to be happy all the time. I love you more than you could ever know and want the absolute best for you. You are my little girl, and I"m not sure I could ever love anything more than I love you. I'm so excited for the days to come. I hope this week goes by smoothly and at the end we both feel great and have conquered our first big hiccup of life together :)
Love, Love, Love, (this is how I signed all of the letters I wrote to Daddy while we were dating.)
-Mommy
(Ps. Aunt Sarah is coming to visit on Friday. She can't wait to meet you. She has bought you tons of stuff including the Zebra socks you wore today, and the bib and the blanket you were cuddled in too. She loves you already but it will be so nice for you two to meet finally. You are extremely lucky to have such a wonderful Aunt!)
Friday, November 5, 2010
Lunch Date
I have now discovered why God made it so the mom stays in the home with the baby for the 1st couple of weeks after delivery... because Mom has nothing to wear!
Nick and I are making use of my parents being here and he is taking me on a lunch date... the problem being my maternity clothes make me look... well still in the maternity phase and my pre-pregnancy clothes make me well just darn fat. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GEEEEZZZZZZZ O PETES!
So now I still have to go decide what I can snap, zip or button up.
Nick and I are making use of my parents being here and he is taking me on a lunch date... the problem being my maternity clothes make me look... well still in the maternity phase and my pre-pregnancy clothes make me well just darn fat. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GEEEEZZZZZZZ O PETES!
So now I still have to go decide what I can snap, zip or button up.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
So much
I have so much I want to say...
For now though... my little girl is perfect, and while I might be struggling a tad bit I am overwhelmed with how in love with her I am. :)
For now though... my little girl is perfect, and while I might be struggling a tad bit I am overwhelmed with how in love with her I am. :)
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