Saturday, April 30, 2011
Friday, April 29, 2011
I am MOM
Today I finally feel like a mom. I didn't expect to start crying after that sentence.
It's been a rough day. What was suppose to be a "well baby" check up turned into the doctor basically panicking. Sort of like the way my OB panicked when I came into him with a 104* temp 2 weeks after delivery. I knew Jessa wasn't gaining much weight but I didn't realizing she was loosing. She had lost 2 lbs since her 4 month check up bringing her weight now to 11lbs 14oz. Just for the record, she was 12lbs at her 2 month check up. I didn't get a chance to ask him any of my regular check up questions (why is her skin funny? Is it ok for her to eat ____ food? Is her chest clear, she has had a runny nose. Do you think she could have allergies?) All he wanted to talk about her weight and how she is now in the .9%tile for her weight. And yes that reads POINT 9. Less than 1%. Here is where feeling like a mom comes in. I feel like I failed her. Why was I not watching this as closely? I wasn't trying to starve her by any means but I definitely didn't want her to over feed either. So after 3 vaccination shots, a catheter to draw urine, and numerous arm pokes later to draw blood I officially lost it.
So now we feed her formula, and LOTS of it. As much as I can force down her. Best case scenario, my milk was just not providing her with the nutrients she needed and formula will fatten her up. Worst case scenario, her body is not properly digesting food. We will see. The doctor said he would call this weekend if anything alarming came back from the blood test. So for now, she will drink lots of formula and we will pray.
As far as mom goes... I have to know I've done the absolute best job I could, and still am. :)
It's been a rough day. What was suppose to be a "well baby" check up turned into the doctor basically panicking. Sort of like the way my OB panicked when I came into him with a 104* temp 2 weeks after delivery. I knew Jessa wasn't gaining much weight but I didn't realizing she was loosing. She had lost 2 lbs since her 4 month check up bringing her weight now to 11lbs 14oz. Just for the record, she was 12lbs at her 2 month check up. I didn't get a chance to ask him any of my regular check up questions (why is her skin funny? Is it ok for her to eat ____ food? Is her chest clear, she has had a runny nose. Do you think she could have allergies?) All he wanted to talk about her weight and how she is now in the .9%tile for her weight. And yes that reads POINT 9. Less than 1%. Here is where feeling like a mom comes in. I feel like I failed her. Why was I not watching this as closely? I wasn't trying to starve her by any means but I definitely didn't want her to over feed either. So after 3 vaccination shots, a catheter to draw urine, and numerous arm pokes later to draw blood I officially lost it.
So now we feed her formula, and LOTS of it. As much as I can force down her. Best case scenario, my milk was just not providing her with the nutrients she needed and formula will fatten her up. Worst case scenario, her body is not properly digesting food. We will see. The doctor said he would call this weekend if anything alarming came back from the blood test. So for now, she will drink lots of formula and we will pray.
As far as mom goes... I have to know I've done the absolute best job I could, and still am. :)
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
10 things I've learned from being a mom for 6 months
1. Labor is seriously magical and has crazy powers to make you forget the horrible times of the last 9 months.
2. It takes time to "bond" with a child. Your child is not going to come out instantly in love with you, and even though the thing you are looking at is the most beautiful thing you have ever laid yours eyes upon, it is also the thing that just significantly changed your life.
3. It DOES get better! Someday somewhere down the line, something just clicks, and everyone survives :)
4. Even though you may want them to, your boobs don't look like rocks for very long.
5. Pushing a kid to reach a goal just to brag about them isn't always in your best interest, and it usually means more work for you.
6. To do: write a thank you note to the inventor of the t.v. For those crazy long days for you in the beginning and for those crazy long stressful crying all day days for your child later down the road.
7. No matter how hard you try, you will make mistakes.
8. Friends friends Friends friends friends... And mor friends. Accept help, because they usually really do want to hold and play with your child, and take them up on offers to get out of the house and on a daily rutine.
9. Google can be your best friend and your worst enemey all on the same page... Just trust your instinct, chances are "it's normal."
10. Relax, being a parent is actually a really fun job....at times.
2. It takes time to "bond" with a child. Your child is not going to come out instantly in love with you, and even though the thing you are looking at is the most beautiful thing you have ever laid yours eyes upon, it is also the thing that just significantly changed your life.
3. It DOES get better! Someday somewhere down the line, something just clicks, and everyone survives :)
4. Even though you may want them to, your boobs don't look like rocks for very long.
5. Pushing a kid to reach a goal just to brag about them isn't always in your best interest, and it usually means more work for you.
6. To do: write a thank you note to the inventor of the t.v. For those crazy long days for you in the beginning and for those crazy long stressful crying all day days for your child later down the road.
7. No matter how hard you try, you will make mistakes.
8. Friends friends Friends friends friends... And mor friends. Accept help, because they usually really do want to hold and play with your child, and take them up on offers to get out of the house and on a daily rutine.
9. Google can be your best friend and your worst enemey all on the same page... Just trust your instinct, chances are "it's normal."
10. Relax, being a parent is actually a really fun job....at times.
Dear Jessa, Vol. 6mo.
Dearest Daughter,
I feel like I should write "I CAN"T BELIEVE YOU ARE 1/2 YEAR OLD!" I feel like everyone always gets to this stage and is shocked at how fast time has gone. I would be lying if I said it didn't go fast, but I can still think back on each month that has gone by and the things you were doing at that time. I think that helps with the shock value!
I have so much enjoyed you lately! You are giggling and belly laughing more than ever. My dog we had growing up, Rusty, had what we called a "ticky spot." It was a spot on him that we could tickle and it would make his leg twitch. It was so fun, and funny to tickle that spot on him. Just yesterday I found your "ticky spot." You are such an itty bitty girl that I can grab your hips with just one hand and it makes you laugh harder and longer than I have ever seen you laugh before! I keep sending Grandma videos of it because it just makes my heart melt! I could watch you smile and laugh all day!
Currently you are sick! :( It started out as what I thought were allergies and turned into what I am guessing is a cold? We are going to see Dr. Farrior on Friday so hopefully he can tell us what to do. We have been running your humidifier at night and sucking all the gooey snot out of you nose like crazy! I am glad we are going to see the Dr. on Friday too, because you are just so so small. You weighed about 13.3lbs at your 4 month apt. and I'm worried you haven't gained any weight. You have however grown probably 2 inches or so! You are definitely going to be tall like Daddy and I.
We are still in the process of introducing solid foods to you. I haven't found one that you don't like yet. So far you have tried, green beans, carrots, peas, sweet potatoes, bananas, Peas/broccoli/pears, prunes, rice cereal and oatmeal. You love eating food but it is "stopping you up" so we'll have to ask the doctor about that on Friday as well! :)
You are almost sitting up on your own now. Both Daddy and I are working very hard on trying to get you to sit up with your back straight and not have your arms holding you up. I am hoping that we can get you to do this for more than a couple of seconds by Monday, because we are having family pictures taken! :) Speaking of family pictures! We went to the mall tonight to go look for me a top to wear for our pictures. We came out with 3 outfits for you!!! Shopping for you is way more fun than shopping for mom!! Lets just not tell daddy about the bill ;)
Next Tuesday you and I are going on a trip to Indiana. This will be your 3rd time being on a plane! I hope you do just as good as you did when you were 2 months old. I'm alittle nervous about your cold that it will hurt your head when we go up into the sky, but hopefully you will be just fine and want to take a nap in my arms! (Hey, I can dream right??) Anyway, I am so excited for you to be able to play with Grandma and Grandpa instead of just seeing them through the computer screen. They both love you so so much and are looking forward to you coming!
Currently I'm working on a picture book for you. We have taken so many pictures from the time I found out I was pregnant with you to now, your six month birthday, that I feel like we should have them organized and put in a book for you to have some day. I hope it will be just as special for you as it is for me. You will always be my first child, and my first experience at the greatest miracle I have ever witnessed!
I told Daddy the other day, I can finally join the group of moms that say "I just can't imagine my life without my child." It's true! I can't imagine my life without you. Each and every morning I get to wake up to your beautiful smile! I spend each and every day with you, kissing more time than you want to know! I secretly enjoy the times when you just want to be carried even though in that specific moment I am probably annoyed because I'm trying to get something done. I am trying to cheerish these moments the best I can, remember how your little body feels being held. Remembering how every time I put a clip in your hair it magically disappears. I'm really trying hard to take all of these little moments in because I understand before I know it, I'm going to be handing you these letters to read with tears in my eyes because you are all grown up! :) One thing for sure, is you'll always be my little girl! I love being able to say that! For so long, inside my belly I believe you were a boy and my heart is so joyful that you are my little girl and I get to watch you turn into a beautiful woman... someday, far far away!
Thank you for loving me and learning with me. I believe we make a good team, and with Daddy included!
To Month 6!
Love you always and forever, Mommy!
I feel like I should write "I CAN"T BELIEVE YOU ARE 1/2 YEAR OLD!" I feel like everyone always gets to this stage and is shocked at how fast time has gone. I would be lying if I said it didn't go fast, but I can still think back on each month that has gone by and the things you were doing at that time. I think that helps with the shock value!
I have so much enjoyed you lately! You are giggling and belly laughing more than ever. My dog we had growing up, Rusty, had what we called a "ticky spot." It was a spot on him that we could tickle and it would make his leg twitch. It was so fun, and funny to tickle that spot on him. Just yesterday I found your "ticky spot." You are such an itty bitty girl that I can grab your hips with just one hand and it makes you laugh harder and longer than I have ever seen you laugh before! I keep sending Grandma videos of it because it just makes my heart melt! I could watch you smile and laugh all day!
Currently you are sick! :( It started out as what I thought were allergies and turned into what I am guessing is a cold? We are going to see Dr. Farrior on Friday so hopefully he can tell us what to do. We have been running your humidifier at night and sucking all the gooey snot out of you nose like crazy! I am glad we are going to see the Dr. on Friday too, because you are just so so small. You weighed about 13.3lbs at your 4 month apt. and I'm worried you haven't gained any weight. You have however grown probably 2 inches or so! You are definitely going to be tall like Daddy and I.
We are still in the process of introducing solid foods to you. I haven't found one that you don't like yet. So far you have tried, green beans, carrots, peas, sweet potatoes, bananas, Peas/broccoli/pears, prunes, rice cereal and oatmeal. You love eating food but it is "stopping you up" so we'll have to ask the doctor about that on Friday as well! :)
You are almost sitting up on your own now. Both Daddy and I are working very hard on trying to get you to sit up with your back straight and not have your arms holding you up. I am hoping that we can get you to do this for more than a couple of seconds by Monday, because we are having family pictures taken! :) Speaking of family pictures! We went to the mall tonight to go look for me a top to wear for our pictures. We came out with 3 outfits for you!!! Shopping for you is way more fun than shopping for mom!! Lets just not tell daddy about the bill ;)
Next Tuesday you and I are going on a trip to Indiana. This will be your 3rd time being on a plane! I hope you do just as good as you did when you were 2 months old. I'm alittle nervous about your cold that it will hurt your head when we go up into the sky, but hopefully you will be just fine and want to take a nap in my arms! (Hey, I can dream right??) Anyway, I am so excited for you to be able to play with Grandma and Grandpa instead of just seeing them through the computer screen. They both love you so so much and are looking forward to you coming!
Currently I'm working on a picture book for you. We have taken so many pictures from the time I found out I was pregnant with you to now, your six month birthday, that I feel like we should have them organized and put in a book for you to have some day. I hope it will be just as special for you as it is for me. You will always be my first child, and my first experience at the greatest miracle I have ever witnessed!
I told Daddy the other day, I can finally join the group of moms that say "I just can't imagine my life without my child." It's true! I can't imagine my life without you. Each and every morning I get to wake up to your beautiful smile! I spend each and every day with you, kissing more time than you want to know! I secretly enjoy the times when you just want to be carried even though in that specific moment I am probably annoyed because I'm trying to get something done. I am trying to cheerish these moments the best I can, remember how your little body feels being held. Remembering how every time I put a clip in your hair it magically disappears. I'm really trying hard to take all of these little moments in because I understand before I know it, I'm going to be handing you these letters to read with tears in my eyes because you are all grown up! :) One thing for sure, is you'll always be my little girl! I love being able to say that! For so long, inside my belly I believe you were a boy and my heart is so joyful that you are my little girl and I get to watch you turn into a beautiful woman... someday, far far away!
Thank you for loving me and learning with me. I believe we make a good team, and with Daddy included!
To Month 6!
Love you always and forever, Mommy!
Monday, April 25, 2011
The Grass is Always Greener on the Other Side
As I sat folding laundry while listening to Jessa whine and wiping her snot dripping from her nose, I couldn't help but think about my friends that are doing their "own thing." It's funny because when I really stop and think about it, I know those single "carefree" friends would probably love to be in my shoes, with a family, but for moments (like the one mentioned above where I"m wondering what have a I done with my life) I'm so jealous of where they are. I never found dating fun, but for some reason in these so called moments I find that dating sounds terrific. Going out, having fun, meeting all kinds of new people (is that even what it's like?? haha) Please don't get me wrong, I love Nick more than any other earthy man. I truly can't imagine doing life without him, and am so thankful I found him before anyone else could. However, if I'm being honest, and I'm human right? Sometimes, not often but sometimes, I just get in these slumps. I wonder what my life would be like in the dating world, without a house payment and being tied down to one location, or without a child depending on you 24 hours a day. What would I being doing now if I hadn't gotten married right out of college. What would it be like to be "free" again.
I have dreamed of this day where I would have a house, a husband and a child since I can remember. I am living my most ideal life, I have everything I have ever dreamed about, and more. So why get caught up in these moments where everything seems so wrong? Being envious of friends with very few responsibilities (that's a long word!) in life is really going to get me nowhere. But somehow, the grass is always greener on the other side.
I've said it before and I'll said it again... I think I need a vacation! :)
I have dreamed of this day where I would have a house, a husband and a child since I can remember. I am living my most ideal life, I have everything I have ever dreamed about, and more. So why get caught up in these moments where everything seems so wrong? Being envious of friends with very few responsibilities (that's a long word!) in life is really going to get me nowhere. But somehow, the grass is always greener on the other side.
I've said it before and I'll said it again... I think I need a vacation! :)
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Change of Scenery
I'm feeling extremely trapped lately. Very suffocated and very, lost? I need to get out. I need to get out of this state, I need to try something new, I need... a change of scenery. NOW! I really think i'm on the verge of exploding.
I had a baby 6 months ago, gained a 16 year old, spent more than 3 hours a day awake in my house(aka, quit my job)... I basically went from being an extremely selfish 24 year old who was only worrying about herself and occasionally her husband, to being a full time mom, maid, doctor, taxi driver, and rule maker. It stresses me out just writing it down.
Help?
I had a baby 6 months ago, gained a 16 year old, spent more than 3 hours a day awake in my house(aka, quit my job)... I basically went from being an extremely selfish 24 year old who was only worrying about herself and occasionally her husband, to being a full time mom, maid, doctor, taxi driver, and rule maker. It stresses me out just writing it down.
Help?
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Confession
I have to get this off my chest.
The number one reason I'm trying to loose weight is so I can have a hopefully easier pregnancy the next time around. (not now, but in a few months) which brings me to my true confession:
The thought of giving birth gives me huge butterflies...the good kind! I would try and give Mrs. Duggar a run for her money if I didn't think I would go absolutely crazy with that many kids. Being in labor/giving birth was such a euphoric experience for me, I get soooo giddy just thinking about it. I know it sounds crazy but I am realizing i might not be ok with only getting to experience it one more time like I have said all my life.
Where is this post even going? I'm not sure but I just felt like I needed to confess my crazy thoughts.
And while we are on the subject, every night I wonder how I could love a human being as much as I love Jessa. There is nit one thing about her that isn't absolutely perfect to me.
Ok, I'll stop there.
The number one reason I'm trying to loose weight is so I can have a hopefully easier pregnancy the next time around. (not now, but in a few months) which brings me to my true confession:
The thought of giving birth gives me huge butterflies...the good kind! I would try and give Mrs. Duggar a run for her money if I didn't think I would go absolutely crazy with that many kids. Being in labor/giving birth was such a euphoric experience for me, I get soooo giddy just thinking about it. I know it sounds crazy but I am realizing i might not be ok with only getting to experience it one more time like I have said all my life.
Where is this post even going? I'm not sure but I just felt like I needed to confess my crazy thoughts.
And while we are on the subject, every night I wonder how I could love a human being as much as I love Jessa. There is nit one thing about her that isn't absolutely perfect to me.
Ok, I'll stop there.
Friday, April 8, 2011
Wow...
Just was looking through old documents and came across this written January 8th, 2009.
Before I die I will…
1. Have a Child
2. Look in the mirror and love myself
3. Go to the airport and fly somewhere, just for the day
4. Enjoy my Job
5. Be part of something significant
6. Make an Impact on Someone
7. Buy something from Victoria Secret
8. Travel to Hawaii
9. Renew my Wedding Vows, in a white dress
10. Make my grandkids breakfast
11. Teach Someone Something Significant
12. Own a House
13. Feel Satisfied / Content
14. Own a Dog
15. Have a porch swing
16. Learn to Let Go
17. Determine My Favorite Movie and Song of all time
18. Meet someone Famous
19. Have a decorated bedroom with a bedroom set
20. Have no regrets
I Love this! I think I should add this to my bathroom mirror :)
Before I die I will…
1. Have a Child
2. Look in the mirror and love myself
3. Go to the airport and fly somewhere, just for the day
4. Enjoy my Job
5. Be part of something significant
6. Make an Impact on Someone
7. Buy something from Victoria Secret
8. Travel to Hawaii
9. Renew my Wedding Vows, in a white dress
10. Make my grandkids breakfast
11. Teach Someone Something Significant
12. Own a House
13. Feel Satisfied / Content
14. Own a Dog
15. Have a porch swing
16. Learn to Let Go
17. Determine My Favorite Movie and Song of all time
18. Meet someone Famous
19. Have a decorated bedroom with a bedroom set
20. Have no regrets
I Love this! I think I should add this to my bathroom mirror :)
Birth Control (read at your own discretion.)
I'm so emotional I can't handle it anymore. I'm crying at the drop of a hat, and this makes life seem not very fun. I did start birth control again, and I'm really wondering if it's just messing me up again like it has done in the past. This is exactly why I hate it so much. It seems so unnatural to be putting a dose of artificial hormones into your body. So why am I taking it you ask? Because I CAN NOT have another baby at this weight I am at. It's just simply not possible for me, not an option. And birth control seems to be the most efficient and effective way to make that happen. I guess then I better start sucking it up and start dealing with these mood swings, that or stop nursing and switch BC's to something that I can handle better. WHAT IS A GIRL TO DO?
So to share a laugh, this is the latest thing I have cried at which prompted this post. I was reading a website and the question was "What is something you wish you would have done before having kids." This was 1 woman's response... " (1)Take an impromptu trip cross-country. I’m talking hopping in the car with an entire paycheck, without a map, with a good 4 legged friend, and with absolutely no direction or itinerary in mind. This would mean stopping whenever and wherever I wanted to, eating at small town dives across the USA, chatting on a CB radio while driving all night, watching sunrise and sunset in different cities every day, meeting tons of new people, and not telling a soul where I was. Even remaining optimistic that I might find a completely new zip code to set up shop without a consequence in the world for doing so. (2)Bungee jump off a bridge and skydive. At least once. Right now, it seems that risking my life for a 5 or 10 minute thrill is just plain irresponsible and unfair. Truth is that now, as a mom, I no longer ‘think nothing’ of hopping on an airplane or taking an interstate trek at 80mph. Motherhood strips away that feeling of being immortal.
I can't even get myself to re-read it. Even though I have already jumped out of a plane, I have never taken an impromptu trip and that sounds wonderful. She explains life a mom so perfectly though. So why the tears? There are so many things I wanted to do before kids, but God had planned that differently. I love Jessa more than anything on Earth and gosh... I want to say I don't know what I would do without her, but I do.... but that's not the point. I love her so much, I never want anything to happen to her, I'm so excited to watch her grown and go through the steps of life with her. She is my daughter and the most important thing in my life. However...she really complicates life.
I don't even think this post has a point to it. I'm just emotional and feeling "blue." I need to loose this weight fast so I can get off this crazy medicine... Please understand though that if I say something or act differently I'm not quite feeling like myself these days. Don't hold it against me please!
So to share a laugh, this is the latest thing I have cried at which prompted this post. I was reading a website and the question was "What is something you wish you would have done before having kids." This was 1 woman's response... " (1)Take an impromptu trip cross-country. I’m talking hopping in the car with an entire paycheck, without a map, with a good 4 legged friend, and with absolutely no direction or itinerary in mind. This would mean stopping whenever and wherever I wanted to, eating at small town dives across the USA, chatting on a CB radio while driving all night, watching sunrise and sunset in different cities every day, meeting tons of new people, and not telling a soul where I was. Even remaining optimistic that I might find a completely new zip code to set up shop without a consequence in the world for doing so. (2)Bungee jump off a bridge and skydive. At least once. Right now, it seems that risking my life for a 5 or 10 minute thrill is just plain irresponsible and unfair. Truth is that now, as a mom, I no longer ‘think nothing’ of hopping on an airplane or taking an interstate trek at 80mph. Motherhood strips away that feeling of being immortal.
I can't even get myself to re-read it. Even though I have already jumped out of a plane, I have never taken an impromptu trip and that sounds wonderful. She explains life a mom so perfectly though. So why the tears? There are so many things I wanted to do before kids, but God had planned that differently. I love Jessa more than anything on Earth and gosh... I want to say I don't know what I would do without her, but I do.... but that's not the point. I love her so much, I never want anything to happen to her, I'm so excited to watch her grown and go through the steps of life with her. She is my daughter and the most important thing in my life. However...she really complicates life.
I don't even think this post has a point to it. I'm just emotional and feeling "blue." I need to loose this weight fast so I can get off this crazy medicine... Please understand though that if I say something or act differently I'm not quite feeling like myself these days. Don't hold it against me please!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)