So i've contemplated writing this entry for a while now. I'm not sure what I have been afraid of, failure probably. But the time is now to make a change. I started my pregnancy off on a higher weight than I would have liked to. We weren't expecting to have a child so soon, but it is what it is. I survived my pregnancy carrying around far more weight than I would have liked to. I saw numbers on the scale I WILL NEVER SEE AGAIN! But that is over and done with, and now here I sit 20lbs heavier than when I got pregnant. Awesome...
So the time is now. I've got to loose weight. I've especially got to loose weight if I want to have another kid. There are so many reasons why weight loss for me is so important right now. I suppose you could call them goals to, but they aren't really goals they are more important than goals. They are necessary for my life! To name a few:
*Jessalynn Jean Taube--> I can't think of a more important reason to get my weight under control. It is so essential that she learns healthy eating habits from the start, and well guess what? That start is now! She is 4 months old today, and will start eating solids very soon! She needs a role model and that role model has got to be me! I need to show her that eating healthy, and exercise is just an essential part of life. The LAST thing I would ever want my daughter to have to go through is being heavy. I could stop here, because this my friends is really the only reason I should have for losing weight.
*My Health/Physical Ability--> Not many heavy people major in Health and Physical Education in College. BUT I DID! :) I love to be active. I love sports, I love being outside, I love competition and having fun. I suppose I could sit here and blame Nick for alot, and during this time of weight loss I probably will. But in reality, I am who I am. He is not forcing me to sit and watch t.v instead of going for a walk. He is not forcing me to eat the gynomous box of frosted flakes, or the umpteen cans of rolls he bought at the store. Even though, yes he plays a huge role in what I do and what I eat, I do make my own choices and decisions. These choices and decisions have got to change. Back to being active though... I have let my body down. I have gained so much weight over the last few years that it hurts to be active, which only leads me into a viscous cycle. I need to remember how good it feels to run, to climb stairs without getting out of breath, to swim until my legs can't kick anymore. I WANT TO BE ACTIVE, and my weight is such a hindrance of that. This all relates to my overall health of my body. Even though I can't see it, or I may not be feeling the effects right now, realistically I'm slowly killing myself... that needs to change.
*My Wardrobe --> For many people when they start to loose weight they go out and by a piece of "goal clothing." Well I am happy to tell you I will not be going out to by any clothing, why? Because my whole entire closet is packed for of clothes I haven't been able to fit in for over a year. Awesome huh? This is main reason #3 for loosing weight. I HAVE A LOT OF CLOTHES... that I can't fit in. It's more than depressing trying to get ready in the morning looking at all of these clothes that I have picked out that don't fit. When I loose weight, it will be like I won the lottery and bought a whole new wardrobe... this excites me!
There are just so many things I want to do in life and my weight is holding me back from so much. I want to be able to comfortably run a 5k, I want to climb the rock wall at my gym, and be able to wrap one the gym towels around my body to go take a shower. I want to comfortably sit in a seat on a plane or in the seat of a roller coaster.I want to be able to shop at Victoria's Secret or any "regular" store for that matter. I want to be the best mom I can be, playing with Jessa where ever she wants to play. I want to be a better wife, and have more energy. So what's holding me back??
FOOD!
Why is food such a struggle? It sounds so easy to say "just say no." Lets face it, it's an addiction. Why can I not just eat 1 cookie instead of 4? AND TELL ME WHY my husband or friends can eat just as bad as I do and not gain an ounce. I feel like journey is going to be a lot about the realization that I AM WHO I AM, and believe it or not I AM IN CONTROL! Yes food controls me, but it's not jumping into my mouth, I am the one putting it there. I do wish it were easier though, and I may use this blog to complain/vent whatever you want to call it. It is a struggle, it's the biggest and only struggle I can't get rid of.
But here is to a fresh start. I could really use encouragement throughout this time. I haven't quite figured out how I want to structure my posts, or even if I will. I just felt like it was time to face the facts and share with the world that I AM STRUGGLING and I AM GOING TO LOOSE WEIGHT!
I am giving anyone that reads this permission to hold me accountable. Every night before bed, I will make sure I have tracked all of the food that I have had to eat that day. Baby steps right? I've only been trying to do this for o yanno, 3 years now.
One last thought... I am so bad at coming up with a plan. Mostly because I don't want this to take over my life, but it already has so why not make it take over in a good positive way? I'm struggling though with coming up with a plan and following through with it. How do I change that? I want to say, I'm going to track my food and only eat 1,700 calories a day or I am going to cut my portions down to what the serving size is on whatever I'm eating. But I just have trouble following through with things. How do I do this, and what realistic goals should I have?
I should end here.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
The things we do for our kids
There are few things worse than being sick and feeling like junk. Here are a few I can think of.
* Being sick and taking care of an infant
* Being sick and Nursing a child
* Being sick, having your milk supply decrease and drinking this NASTY "mothers tea" to increase it.
I suppose though, in the big picture it is all worth it. Jessa was so funny today. She was talking non-stop, ALL DAY LONG! At times I want to yell SHUT UP, but secretly I think it's the cutest thing in the whole world and wishes everyone's kid was as cute as mine. :) (I can say that right?)
Anyway, I just love spending time with her. Yes it's been hard to keep her entertained when all I feel like doing is laying in bed with the covers up to my chin and watching all of the Oprah shows I have on DVR. But she brings so much joy to my life. I love watching her learn, watching her get frustrated at something, and of course listening to her, watching her and making her laugh.
Here's to hoping I get better soon, but in the mean time I will still be smiling because this little girl cracks me up.
For your viewing pleasure, a little of what I got to enjoy today:
YouTube Video, click here
* Being sick and taking care of an infant
* Being sick and Nursing a child
* Being sick, having your milk supply decrease and drinking this NASTY "mothers tea" to increase it.
I suppose though, in the big picture it is all worth it. Jessa was so funny today. She was talking non-stop, ALL DAY LONG! At times I want to yell SHUT UP, but secretly I think it's the cutest thing in the whole world and wishes everyone's kid was as cute as mine. :) (I can say that right?)
Anyway, I just love spending time with her. Yes it's been hard to keep her entertained when all I feel like doing is laying in bed with the covers up to my chin and watching all of the Oprah shows I have on DVR. But she brings so much joy to my life. I love watching her learn, watching her get frustrated at something, and of course listening to her, watching her and making her laugh.
Here's to hoping I get better soon, but in the mean time I will still be smiling because this little girl cracks me up.
For your viewing pleasure, a little of what I got to enjoy today:
YouTube Video, click here
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Stalkers
It's weird to think I have no idea who reads this. The link was at one point on my facebook page but has since been taken off. (my first post about my pregnancy to be exact.)Well, if anyone out there is like me they have bookmarked my blog the first time they found out about it and has been secretly stalking me ever since... And yes, I did say "if anyone is like me."
I LOVE reading people's blogs. Not so much a fan on reading people's that I don't know, but there is something about reading about another life. I suppose it makes me feel more "normal." Everyone struggles, everyone has good days and bad days and everyone has exciting news at some point in their life... these things are what people tend to blog about. And of course, the pointless crap that makes you feel normal that your not the only one without a Hollywood life. My point is, reading someones blog is sort of like reading people's minds, which isn't that a life dream of everyone's?
OK... officially, i'm crazy. :)
So here is your time to fess up. Are you a secret blog stalker? It's ok you can come out from hiding, but I do realize you will probably stay hidden as that is what I would do too!
I LOVE reading people's blogs. Not so much a fan on reading people's that I don't know, but there is something about reading about another life. I suppose it makes me feel more "normal." Everyone struggles, everyone has good days and bad days and everyone has exciting news at some point in their life... these things are what people tend to blog about. And of course, the pointless crap that makes you feel normal that your not the only one without a Hollywood life. My point is, reading someones blog is sort of like reading people's minds, which isn't that a life dream of everyone's?
OK... officially, i'm crazy. :)
So here is your time to fess up. Are you a secret blog stalker? It's ok you can come out from hiding, but I do realize you will probably stay hidden as that is what I would do too!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
A quick fix
Ok, the blog has been revamped visually... I'm not 100% sold on it yet, but it was my best effort for a quick fix. Ok, maybe I wouldn't call it "quick" but quicker than normal we'll just leave it at that.
Jessa is down for a nap, finally. I think I should probably be napping to since I have finally caught whatever grossness is going around. BOOOO! Instead I'm using this non-whining baby time to whine about my sickness and my supposedly teething child. She has been awful today! I haven't gotten frustrated with her in quite some time but today i'm frustrated. I just can't figure out what to do to make her stop this low, dull whine... all day.
I used to babysit this kid that would always tell on himself. I feel like doing that to myself right now. Earlier I couldn't take it any longer so I swaddled Jessa up put her her in her crib, turned the volume off on the monitor and went and took a bath. Granted I could still see her on the monitor, I had no guilt in just letting her whine. It's not even a cry, it's so strange. ANYWAY when I got out of the tub, I went and put her pacifier back in her mouth and TA-DA! She's passed out. I don't think I should or will make this a habit but, it was sort of nice letting her wear herself out for once.
AHH! She is even whining in her sleep now. This has got to stop!
On a completely unrelated note, Jessica Garst is coming to spend the weekend with me and I'm totally pumped. I must knock this sore throat, cough and running nose away so I can have some much needed catching up with her. I'm thinking I might get a little crazy and even attempt the movies with her. That would be a nice!!
What do you all think of the new design of the blog. Keep it or leave it?
Jessa is down for a nap, finally. I think I should probably be napping to since I have finally caught whatever grossness is going around. BOOOO! Instead I'm using this non-whining baby time to whine about my sickness and my supposedly teething child. She has been awful today! I haven't gotten frustrated with her in quite some time but today i'm frustrated. I just can't figure out what to do to make her stop this low, dull whine... all day.
I used to babysit this kid that would always tell on himself. I feel like doing that to myself right now. Earlier I couldn't take it any longer so I swaddled Jessa up put her her in her crib, turned the volume off on the monitor and went and took a bath. Granted I could still see her on the monitor, I had no guilt in just letting her whine. It's not even a cry, it's so strange. ANYWAY when I got out of the tub, I went and put her pacifier back in her mouth and TA-DA! She's passed out. I don't think I should or will make this a habit but, it was sort of nice letting her wear herself out for once.
AHH! She is even whining in her sleep now. This has got to stop!
On a completely unrelated note, Jessica Garst is coming to spend the weekend with me and I'm totally pumped. I must knock this sore throat, cough and running nose away so I can have some much needed catching up with her. I'm thinking I might get a little crazy and even attempt the movies with her. That would be a nice!!
What do you all think of the new design of the blog. Keep it or leave it?
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
A look back...
So it's night number 2 that I can't sleep. I'm more than tired, exhausted might be a word used to describe what I'm feeling. I've been in bed for almost 2 hours now, and after watching Teen Mom 2, tried to close my eyes... but no such luck.
Nick's gone on Business to PA for the week and I'm left at home to keep the household running. Yes... that sounds really strange. It's strange enough that I have my very own child that depends on me 24 hours a day, but when you add a 16 year old depending on you too, it's just a really strange feeling. Usually when Nick is gone on business it's my excuse to not clean, not cook, and basically just resort to "college life." It's so much different this trip. I have responsibilities and lots of them. It's a love/hate sort of deal. Having these so called responsibilities is making the time go by faster than normal, however I can't lay around in my pj's all day, watching reruns of Oprah and occasionally flipping to Maury to find out "who is the father?" I can't grab a pizza for dinner... or eat doughnuts for every meal. (Not that I've ever done that before??) Let's face it... I'M OFFICIALLY A MOM.
I made the mistake tonight of wondering what happened to my old blog I started back when I went to work in NC for the summer. Searching for this blog brought me to my old Purdue email address, which brings old emails, which brings old memories, which brings me to where I am right now, emotional. :) My life has changed so much since College. I'm looking through my old inbox and while the setup is different, I can picture myself sitting in each of my 5 rooms I lived in writing and reading these emails. It's seriously like I'm back in those old rooms, and then I hear Jessa on the monitor next to me and I'm back to reality.
College was by far the hardest experience I have ever gone through. As if trying to find yourself and become an adult isn't hard enough pile on homework and tests and the pressure of "thinking" your whole life is depending on what you are doing at this moment. Wow... I'm stressed just thinking about it. However, with all that said, my glimpse back into the world of college tonight put a smile on my face, and butterfly's in my tummy. Those WHERE good days, I DID find myself, I DID become an adult, and by golly I'm still alive and doing well, even though I'm doing nothing with my diploma I worked so hard for. Where am I going with this???
I need to learn to step back and be grateful for my life in the present. All too often I find myself living in the future and when I take a step back, I realize I missed out on truly enjoying a wonderful experience. Just today I was driving with Jessa in the back seat, and I couldn't keep my eyes off her. (that darn mirror I have is sure to cause an accident someday!) All I could think is I am SO incredibly lucky to have such a perfect little girl. With that said, I couldn't have made such a perfect little girl without an amazing husband. I am so blessed with the life I have been given, why am I not taking full advantage of it?
While searching for my old blog I came upon a blog I suppose I tried to start before I made this one. It was titled "The way to prepare for life is to begin to live." I liked this when I read it, I felt like wow! that's a good quote. But as I read it again, What does it even mean???? I'm sitting here hysterically laughing because I feel like it's so... "deep" that it doesn't even make sense. Why am I writing about this? This post is going nowhere tonight.
I wanted to copy and paste my last blog entry of my blog I started right before the wedding. Some may understand it, some may not but I had to pat myself on the back because it's really good writing!!
Here it is titled "A lot of Honesty"
The date today is August 6th, 2008. Alot has happened since the last post. For example, i've pretty much become a US traveler. July 11th, I left camp to drive to Knoxville, TN to get on an airplane and fly to Indy to be in Sara and Kenny's Wedding (which was AMAZING by the way.) On July 13th, I flew out of Indy drove 2 1/2 hours back to Camp, told them "It's time for me to leave" packed my things, said my goodbyes and traveled 10 hours in my car.... with no speedometer, back to Indy to sleep at my brothers for the night. The next morning I got back in my car and headed up to Valpo to hang out at my parents house for a few weeks, to decide what i was doing with my life. It's a strange day when you have no responsibilities, are sleeping on a pull out couch, have no income, and your soon to be husband is a thousand miles away... Needless to say, one questions what life has in store for them next.
A few weeks went by... a good few weeks. Caught up with old friends then realized... Valpo was not where i was suppose to be right now. I needed to be with Nick, I need to see that person i was going to Marry in just about 2 months. So i did just what every girl does best... i panicked. I lost sense of who i was, what i was doing, where i was going and just about everything that was important to me. I called Nick at about 1am one night, confessed that i was one big ball...of everything i didn't want to be, and about 12 hours later I was on a plane to meet my Prince Charming.
Its funny... Life that is. Just when you think you have everything figured out and nothing possibly could go wrong... thats when the world shakes and you fall on your face. I feel so privileged to have people to support me and pick me back up when those times happen. I don't know what i would do without those certain people in my life.
I'm not one to tell you that everything is fine and dandy when it's not... which is why it was best that I leave camp. I wonder to myself often if that is a good quality or a bad quality of mine... then i realize... it's just me!! I worry about pointless stuff, and I freak about little things... but in the end I have faith that this is my life, and it will work out according to God's plan.
So here i sit in Houston TX. Something like the 4th largest city in the world?? (I'm totally pulling that out of my rear) I never expected myself to end up here. I still don't know if i see Houston as a reality. It scares me down here, it's so unfamiliar... everything is so "new."
Here i am, with my heart open on the table scared, broken, anxious, imperfect and totally insecure... But I feel ok with where I am. For the first time in a long while, I'm choosing to Trust God again."
I hate this post for what it stands for, and a memory I wish to forget. But there is something so refreshing about reading that. It was a huge turning point in my life, and while a lot of things have changed about me, such as my age, my marital status, my homeowner status, my child bearing status along with many more life experiences and more grown up emotions... I'm still me and for that I'm so grateful :) The last few lines of that blog, "Here i am, with my heart open on the table scared, broken, anxious, imperfect and totally insecure... But I feel ok with where I am. For the first time in a long while, I'm choosing to Trust God again" THAT'S ME!
...................................................................................
It's always fun to start a new post and wonder what I will be discussing by the end of it. I never end a post how I expected to when I started writing, but that's what makes writing so fun. I had so much more to say, but apparently what got written down tonight is what I needed to get out, so there you have it folks...
Nick's gone on Business to PA for the week and I'm left at home to keep the household running. Yes... that sounds really strange. It's strange enough that I have my very own child that depends on me 24 hours a day, but when you add a 16 year old depending on you too, it's just a really strange feeling. Usually when Nick is gone on business it's my excuse to not clean, not cook, and basically just resort to "college life." It's so much different this trip. I have responsibilities and lots of them. It's a love/hate sort of deal. Having these so called responsibilities is making the time go by faster than normal, however I can't lay around in my pj's all day, watching reruns of Oprah and occasionally flipping to Maury to find out "who is the father?" I can't grab a pizza for dinner... or eat doughnuts for every meal. (Not that I've ever done that before??) Let's face it... I'M OFFICIALLY A MOM.
I made the mistake tonight of wondering what happened to my old blog I started back when I went to work in NC for the summer. Searching for this blog brought me to my old Purdue email address, which brings old emails, which brings old memories, which brings me to where I am right now, emotional. :) My life has changed so much since College. I'm looking through my old inbox and while the setup is different, I can picture myself sitting in each of my 5 rooms I lived in writing and reading these emails. It's seriously like I'm back in those old rooms, and then I hear Jessa on the monitor next to me and I'm back to reality.
College was by far the hardest experience I have ever gone through. As if trying to find yourself and become an adult isn't hard enough pile on homework and tests and the pressure of "thinking" your whole life is depending on what you are doing at this moment. Wow... I'm stressed just thinking about it. However, with all that said, my glimpse back into the world of college tonight put a smile on my face, and butterfly's in my tummy. Those WHERE good days, I DID find myself, I DID become an adult, and by golly I'm still alive and doing well, even though I'm doing nothing with my diploma I worked so hard for. Where am I going with this???
I need to learn to step back and be grateful for my life in the present. All too often I find myself living in the future and when I take a step back, I realize I missed out on truly enjoying a wonderful experience. Just today I was driving with Jessa in the back seat, and I couldn't keep my eyes off her. (that darn mirror I have is sure to cause an accident someday!) All I could think is I am SO incredibly lucky to have such a perfect little girl. With that said, I couldn't have made such a perfect little girl without an amazing husband. I am so blessed with the life I have been given, why am I not taking full advantage of it?
While searching for my old blog I came upon a blog I suppose I tried to start before I made this one. It was titled "The way to prepare for life is to begin to live." I liked this when I read it, I felt like wow! that's a good quote. But as I read it again, What does it even mean???? I'm sitting here hysterically laughing because I feel like it's so... "deep" that it doesn't even make sense. Why am I writing about this? This post is going nowhere tonight.
I wanted to copy and paste my last blog entry of my blog I started right before the wedding. Some may understand it, some may not but I had to pat myself on the back because it's really good writing!!
Here it is titled "A lot of Honesty"
The date today is August 6th, 2008. Alot has happened since the last post. For example, i've pretty much become a US traveler. July 11th, I left camp to drive to Knoxville, TN to get on an airplane and fly to Indy to be in Sara and Kenny's Wedding (which was AMAZING by the way.) On July 13th, I flew out of Indy drove 2 1/2 hours back to Camp, told them "It's time for me to leave" packed my things, said my goodbyes and traveled 10 hours in my car.... with no speedometer, back to Indy to sleep at my brothers for the night. The next morning I got back in my car and headed up to Valpo to hang out at my parents house for a few weeks, to decide what i was doing with my life. It's a strange day when you have no responsibilities, are sleeping on a pull out couch, have no income, and your soon to be husband is a thousand miles away... Needless to say, one questions what life has in store for them next.
A few weeks went by... a good few weeks. Caught up with old friends then realized... Valpo was not where i was suppose to be right now. I needed to be with Nick, I need to see that person i was going to Marry in just about 2 months. So i did just what every girl does best... i panicked. I lost sense of who i was, what i was doing, where i was going and just about everything that was important to me. I called Nick at about 1am one night, confessed that i was one big ball...of everything i didn't want to be, and about 12 hours later I was on a plane to meet my Prince Charming.
Its funny... Life that is. Just when you think you have everything figured out and nothing possibly could go wrong... thats when the world shakes and you fall on your face. I feel so privileged to have people to support me and pick me back up when those times happen. I don't know what i would do without those certain people in my life.
I'm not one to tell you that everything is fine and dandy when it's not... which is why it was best that I leave camp. I wonder to myself often if that is a good quality or a bad quality of mine... then i realize... it's just me!! I worry about pointless stuff, and I freak about little things... but in the end I have faith that this is my life, and it will work out according to God's plan.
So here i sit in Houston TX. Something like the 4th largest city in the world?? (I'm totally pulling that out of my rear) I never expected myself to end up here. I still don't know if i see Houston as a reality. It scares me down here, it's so unfamiliar... everything is so "new."
Here i am, with my heart open on the table scared, broken, anxious, imperfect and totally insecure... But I feel ok with where I am. For the first time in a long while, I'm choosing to Trust God again."
I hate this post for what it stands for, and a memory I wish to forget. But there is something so refreshing about reading that. It was a huge turning point in my life, and while a lot of things have changed about me, such as my age, my marital status, my homeowner status, my child bearing status along with many more life experiences and more grown up emotions... I'm still me and for that I'm so grateful :) The last few lines of that blog, "Here i am, with my heart open on the table scared, broken, anxious, imperfect and totally insecure... But I feel ok with where I am. For the first time in a long while, I'm choosing to Trust God again" THAT'S ME!
...................................................................................
It's always fun to start a new post and wonder what I will be discussing by the end of it. I never end a post how I expected to when I started writing, but that's what makes writing so fun. I had so much more to say, but apparently what got written down tonight is what I needed to get out, so there you have it folks...
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