Emotions Overload.

I feel like I need to be writing today even though I really don't want to. I got out of my doctors appointment a little over two hours ago and cried the whole way home. This is becoming a tradition for me, espeically when I have to go alone. I can't really describe it but I always walk out of there feeling so disappointed and so uncared about. I know a doctors job is to keep you healthy and in this case keep baby healthy too, but it would be nice to be listened to for once, and shown just a little bit of sympathy/empathy or just SOMETHING! The answer to every one of my questions is extremely vague, I never get to ask them all and I am left feeling empty. Today I was mostly concerned about labor questions. HELLO I HAVE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE!!! The doctor says "we still have time, we'll talk about all this stuff later." I don't want to talk about it later... I want to talk about it NOW! I want to know what to do if I think I'm in labor. I want to know what I will and will not be able to do while I'm in labor (according to his policies) and I want to know how often he will be in my room. Also today I told the NP (because my doctor left to go to the hospital... but ended up coming in the room 5 mins later...ya, i don't know!) that I was feeling random bouts of extreme nausea and heat flashes and she wanted to prescribe me medicine for acid reflex... UMMM THAT"S NOT THE PROBLEM!

I guess I need to drop all expectations when I walk into that building, realize I am going to pay 7 dollars for parking for the next 4 weeks, and realize that I'm not special there are 100 other patients in that day that are pregnant too.

So what did the doctor say today?
"YOU HAVE A HUGE BABY!" Thank you???
"Cervix is closed, the baby extremely high and definitely hasn't dropped." Ummm 4 weeks ago you put me on modified bed rest because the baby was too low???

I just don't understand. It's to the point where I'm more excited for the baby to come out just so I don't have to go back to that doctors office ever again! That's a feeling you shouldn't feel when you are pregnant.

Moving on, I am sad that I'm not dilated at all. I just feel like this is such a roller coaster ride. While I was home in Indiana I was terrified I would go into premature labor and the baby would come out unhealthy. Then I find out my cervix is closed but the baby is still but I reached a healthy point to go into labor. Then I have an ultrasound down and my cervix is short (meaning thinning out.) Then today I hear the baby is extremely high. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I don't know what to think anymore! Everyone keeps asking me "when are you due?" To be honest I have no idea what to say. According to my last period my due date is November 5th. According to a doctor at the office (not mine) my due date is November 4th. According to the ultrasound tech at week 24, my due date is November 2nd. And according to her ultrasound on Saturday my due date is October 30th. I completely understand this is just a "date" but why does every other pregnant woman have a "due date." I almost feel cheated! Actually that's exactly how I feel about this pregnancy, I feel cheated out of a lot of the joys I hear about people's pregnancy's. I have never had a good/clear ultrasound, I have never had my questions answered beyond "it's normal." I have never had anything explained to me about the changes my body is going through. And I've had to do every ounce of research about pregnancy online because my doctor doesn't give me any information.

I understand that I'm lucky to be pregnant and there are a lot of people in this world that would kill to be in the position I am in, I get that so please don't judge me for saying the things I have said. I'm just frustrated and trying to vent so when Nick comes home I'm not a complete mess for our Anniversary.

To end, I'm just tired of being pregnant. I'm tired of feeling like crap, I'm tired of having to look at my body in the mirror everyday, I'm tired of sleeping for a max of 4 hours at a time, I'm tired of waking up in the middle of the night with extreme pains in various places, I'm tired of not knowing if I'm having a boy or a girl, I'm tired of worrying about if the baby is going to come out healthy... and I'm just plain TIRED!

End Vent Now...