Where do I begin? (there is a short version for those non readers at the bottom)
12 days before Jacen’s Birthday I went to my 37 week apt. At that apt. I found out I was 3cm dilated and almost 80% effaced. The nurses laughed at me that I was making an appointment for a week later because they were for sure that I would deliver within the week. Well the week went by and I showed up for my 38 week apt. found out I was now at a 4 and almost fully effaced. This was great and all, but why wasn’t I in labor? The days kept passing by with a mild contraction or two throughout each day. Nothing was steady and I was quickly becoming extremely irritable about the whole ordeal. After each day of “waiting” wondering if today would be the day I decided enough was enough and I was just going to live normally and if my water broke while in public, than I would deal with that then.
Cue Sunday July 1st.
As I get up and start my normal routine of Sunday morning and trying to get out the door by 9, I realize that I’m feeling a bit off today. Of course in the back of my mind I’m curious if “Today is the day?” but have already learned by waiting 12 long days that we weren’t playing this game today. I determined to get to church and sit in those uncomfortable chairs for an hour, just to get out of the house. After timing a few contractions that morning that were 7 mins apart we decided it may be best to stay home. I continued to feel off, and contractions would come and go with no pattern and varying intensity I decided just to lay down and take a nap to see where it brings me. My contractions soon stop all together and at the end of my nap I started going pretty haywire on Nick telling him how sick I was of thinking this was it, and having contractions stop. I was so fed up I said, “I’m GOING TO TARGET TO WALK! Are you coming?” Ha! Nick and I made laps around Target buying things we really didn’t need but felt obligated to have in our cart as we rounded the aisles over and over again. When enough was enough and I clearly wasn’t starting my labor anytime soon, we headed for home. I discussed with Nick going to a movie night with the girls from our church and we decided we should go grab some dinner and then I could head over that way. All 4 of us (my SIL Sarah and Jessa included) got in the car and decided Arby’s was on the menu. Shortly after we started driving I started to feel really strange. We pulled into the parking lot and decided to just grab food and head home instead of eating inside which made Nick mention stopping at Culvers as well so he could get Chicken fingers… since we were taking dinner home. After practically yelling at him there was no way I was going to sit in that car to go through the Culver’s drive through and looking down realizing I had a white knuckle grip on the seat belt and the door handle I not so calmly stated “I think maybe we should head to the hospital when we get home.” At this point I was not at all getting my hopes up, but had decided these contractions seemed a bit different than all the others and in the back of my head I knew my labor was going to progress faster rather than slower, and a 45 min drive to the hospital didn’t seem fun if I was in pain.
After throwing our bags in the car, kissing Jessa goodbye and scarfing some food on the drive we arrived at the hospital and met our Doula Stephanie outside.(7:30pm)
Together the three of us decided instead of going straight in to get checked out, we would walk a few laps around the hospital pond and see where that brings us. As we walked the path I was holding full conversations, laughing, cracking jokes and basically scared this wasn’t the real thing and I was just going to stop contracting at any moment and have to go home. As I had a contraction I would simply turn away, breath through it and continue walking… no big deal. As the sun starts to set we head inside the hospital and continue to do a few more exercises to try and get labor to progress a bit further. At this point I’m getting pretty excited that maybe we are headed in the right direction of actually meeting our baby boy? Or maybe not?
8:55pm:
Call it “Mother’s Intuition” but I simply stated to Nick and Stephanie I was going to go into Triage now. I realized I would most likely be there for an hour and was just ready to get into my own room to continue labor. (I’m pretty sure Nick and Stephanie both sighed a deep breath at this point because they though the night could be really long, especially if I wanted to go to triage and start to be monitored by the hospital staff instead of continuing to labor rather freely)
9:10pm:
We are at the front desk checking in and getting pulled back into the triage room. At this point I’m answering questions and simply turning away when a contraction hits.
Triage: If you are familiar with the labor stages “transition” hits me. At this point I don’t realize I’m in transition but I believe I’m just in active labor, proceeding with my birth plan of no epidural, breathing, moaning and grunting through contractions all while in a room with 3 other “laboring” women laying quietly in their bed being assessed if they were going to be admitted into the hospital or not. When they check me and I’m a 6 they tell me I”ll be headed to my room shortly. (insert annoying nurse not being able to draw blood here and some more really intense contractions)
9:40ish:
Nurse asks me if I want a wheel chair to go to my room and since I’m in the middle of a contractions Nick responds for me “No, she can walk. Thanks.” (Thanks babe! On his defense, we were all still thinking I still had a good amount of labor to get through so the more walking the better)
As I head down the hallway to THE LAST ROOM!!!! I remember slamming my head up against the wall in the hallway and realizing I almost feel like pushing… uh oh.
This is where things get a little foggy.
9:50
I step into the room, Nick is in front of me and I remember letting out a loin like ROAR! At this point my water breaks like a freak scene out of a movie bursting in every direction possible, the nurses start yelling, Nick looks extremely confused, I collapse onto a nurse as she practically is screaming at me that I need to lay down so she can check me. I remember being pushed onto the bed, my feet being swung over as the nurse yells “crowing!” Before anyone could do anything precious Jacen lay in between my legs on the hospital bed, with what seemed like everyone in the room just in shock.
9:54was his official birth time, which was 4 mins after I walked into my room.
Who needs doctors to deliver babies? Apparently I don’t since neither of my kids could wait for them to show up.
I was the talk of the floor that night, which I found very amusing but annoying as well. Apparently I was supposed to know and inform the nurses that I was going to have a very quick labor? Isn’t that their job to assess each patient as they come in? Ha!
So there’s my story. I love every second of it, and I couldn’t have asked for a better one. God has planned everything so perfectly and was waiting on me to trust him that he would provide for me.
Here is my plug for my Doula Stephanie:
I knew I wanted to have an unmedicated birth since I had Jessa. I had a few complications with the epidural with Jessa and to me, it just wasn’t worth it. That made for the decision to hire a doula, basically to get me through labor without one. Even though my labor went fast and completely not how I expected it to go, knowing Stephanie was there for extra support was worth everything. I remember being in triage (which she was not allowed in) and counting the moments until I could be with her again so she could talk me through my contractions. I love my husband more than any other person, but to have female that not only has been in your shoes, but also has tons of knowledge in this specific area was basically just encouraging. The one on one attention of someone totally in tune with what is going on with you was my favorite part of having her there. At one point I remember yelling “I need water!” of course the nurses don’t care because I’m about to have a baby fall out of my body, and Nick is death griping my hand at this point, but I hear Stephanie calmly ask the nurse “can she have water or ice chips?” and what do you know a few moments later I was being fed ice chips at my request! That’s service! J My most favorite part of having Stephanie at my birth was the afterbirth.
Typical hospital scene: Mom gives birth, nurses and doctors are focused on mom’s lower half of body, dad is with baby not wanting to take off of it, and mom is left with extreme emotions running through her trying to take the last few mins in all at the same time of trying to understand what the nurses and doctors keep talking about in their medical mumble jumble.
I remember this phase with both of my children, but with this birth it was so different. Instead of feeling so lonely, so lost and so confused… “did I really just give birth to a baby?” Stephanie was there talking me through everything, congratulating and complimenting me on how well I did. We worked on breathing exercises to calm my body down after such a shocking moment so the doctor could do his work efficiently. In those moments she provided me with exactly the support I needed. I’m having trouble even being able to describe how wonderful it was to have her at my side.
With that said, if you are interested in her contact information or just hearing more about what a doula is and why you should have one. Let me know! She has a great reference from me and from one of my best friends. www.blissfulbeginningsdoulacare.com
THE SHORT VERSION!
+Wake up Sunday feeling contrations
+Contractions Stop
+Walk Target
+On way to get Dinner decide we need to go to the hopsital
+Walk laps at hospital before checking in
+Don't thinkI'm in active labor but check in anyway
+Think I'm going to have baby in the hallway
+Crazy movie sence water breakage during "lion like roar"
+Give birth to Mr. Jacen 4 mins after getting into my room
+and last but not least... HIRE A DOULA! :)
Monday, September 24, 2012
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Just writing.
I have no story to tell or anything important to write, just felt the need to do a bit of "logging." Jacen is 11 weeks old and 2 days. Time is definitely going by differently than it did with Jessa. The stage Jacen is in... well it's quite boring. The stage that Jessa is in on the other hand, is super exciting and I"m loving every second of it. Ok, that's a complete lie! Jessa has recently come to terms with her emotions. When she is mad she yells, throws a fit, pulls my hair?!?!?! (Yes she got in trouble for that one today)when she is sad she cries, happy she dances and laughs and it's just funny. I love watching her though. I feel like she is truly learning SO MUCH right now. Tonight at dinner Nick asked her what he was eating her reply "Taco." Clear as day... and guess what? We were eating Tacos for dinner! She knows the correct word for hundreds of things. It's like everyday she is learning 5-10 works and remembers them. The other day I was thinking about how I should be writing down her sayings these days. She is learning to put words together to explain more. For example; every morning when I get Jessa up for the day we have to go through the whole list of people she knows. It starts with dad:
Dada... work! (Yes, Dada is at work)
Jacen... Seeping (Yes, Jacen is sleeping)
Jessa...Home (Yes, Jessa and mommy are home.)
Occasionally she will talk about Grandpa and Grandma since they were just here and fresh in her mind. Throughout the day through she ALWAYS is reminding me that Dada,Work! It's pretty cute ;)
One of my other favorite things she said is when she is looking for something. She most always is looking for either her baby or her sleep sack. It goes something like this "BABY!... ARE YOU?" She can also count to 6 "two, five, six!" (Are you seeing a pattern?) It's just so funny to see what she picks up and what common phrases we use she puts together.
Some more that I can think of:
"OH-MY! Pooped!" When she changes her baby's diaper
"Helper" she uses when she needs help with something
"Home" when I pick her up from Mothers day out... like she is more than ready to go home
Jessa started Mothers Day Out Tues/Thurs from 9:30-2:30. SHE LOVES IT! She is, what do you know, the teachers favorite. HA! I could have guessed that one! Who doesn't love an almost two you old that follows directions? (Ps. I'm finding it ok to brag about that, as long as I don't brag about how she is only that way because I made her that way. I find that bragging about her personality is just fine because hey, God made her that way!) Anyway, she has a hard time saying "school" so she usually asks to go to church. We pray at every meal now and say "Thank you Jesus for this food, Thank you Jesus for our family, Thank you Jesus for our Friends." Jessa's favorite part comes afterwards "AMEN!" as she throws her hands up in the air. Anyway, she is learning about the color red and the circle. Apparently she answers questions when called on and she was able to pick red objects out of a box when asked to do so. YAY SMARTY PANTS! Anyway, she's just pretty awesome.
Lets talk about Jacen!
He is huge! He didn't feel huge or look that huge (I don't think at least.) But he is almost in size 6 month clothes and we decided to start putting him in size 3 diapers. (Jessa is wearing a size 4!) He's just growing so big so fast. He is still getting up every night, still not napping during the day however he is the most smiley kid I know! I don't remember getting Jessa to smile until she was about 3.5 months old. Jacen on the other hand is all smiles all the time. Sure beats the crying! He's pretty cute, but it still really hard this whole newborn phase. Is he talking yet?!?!
That's enough for now. Bed time? Yes I think so!
Dada... work! (Yes, Dada is at work)
Jacen... Seeping (Yes, Jacen is sleeping)
Jessa...Home (Yes, Jessa and mommy are home.)
Occasionally she will talk about Grandpa and Grandma since they were just here and fresh in her mind. Throughout the day through she ALWAYS is reminding me that Dada,Work! It's pretty cute ;)
One of my other favorite things she said is when she is looking for something. She most always is looking for either her baby or her sleep sack. It goes something like this "BABY!... ARE YOU?" She can also count to 6 "two, five, six!" (Are you seeing a pattern?) It's just so funny to see what she picks up and what common phrases we use she puts together.
Some more that I can think of:
"OH-MY! Pooped!" When she changes her baby's diaper
"Helper" she uses when she needs help with something
"Home" when I pick her up from Mothers day out... like she is more than ready to go home
Jessa started Mothers Day Out Tues/Thurs from 9:30-2:30. SHE LOVES IT! She is, what do you know, the teachers favorite. HA! I could have guessed that one! Who doesn't love an almost two you old that follows directions? (Ps. I'm finding it ok to brag about that, as long as I don't brag about how she is only that way because I made her that way. I find that bragging about her personality is just fine because hey, God made her that way!) Anyway, she has a hard time saying "school" so she usually asks to go to church. We pray at every meal now and say "Thank you Jesus for this food, Thank you Jesus for our family, Thank you Jesus for our Friends." Jessa's favorite part comes afterwards "AMEN!" as she throws her hands up in the air. Anyway, she is learning about the color red and the circle. Apparently she answers questions when called on and she was able to pick red objects out of a box when asked to do so. YAY SMARTY PANTS! Anyway, she's just pretty awesome.
Lets talk about Jacen!
He is huge! He didn't feel huge or look that huge (I don't think at least.) But he is almost in size 6 month clothes and we decided to start putting him in size 3 diapers. (Jessa is wearing a size 4!) He's just growing so big so fast. He is still getting up every night, still not napping during the day however he is the most smiley kid I know! I don't remember getting Jessa to smile until she was about 3.5 months old. Jacen on the other hand is all smiles all the time. Sure beats the crying! He's pretty cute, but it still really hard this whole newborn phase. Is he talking yet?!?!
That's enough for now. Bed time? Yes I think so!
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Both kids are napping... WHAT?!?!?!?!
I know, I know, I should probably be napping too but it's just such a rare moment in the day light that I want to do pointless things other than rest. I suppose it's still rest though.
I feel like I need to jot a few notes down.
#1: PROBIOTICS SAVED MY LIFE!... I feel like I wrote this statement with Jessa but something else was in the title, and I have no idea what it was. Humm... Must check that out.
Jacen is finally opening his eyes, looking around, SMILING! and cooing. Ahhh Music and Sights to my ears and eyes. My little heart might explode if he keeps this up. Today he is 7 weeks and 2 days old. I finally feel like I'm going to make it! I WILL be a good parent and I WILL love both of my children equally! Wow... it's been a tough road!
#2: JESSA IS GROWING UP! Jessa starts a Mothers Day Out program here in a few weeks. She will be going to "school" 2 days a week (tues/thurs) from 9:30-2:30. She will eat lunch and nap at the school, which is really a church. Wow, I'm super excited for her but I'm also nervous for a whole other adjustment period... didn't we just get through one of those? Oya, we are currently still in it!
#3: What else do I have to write about besides my little J and Big J? There's really not much else going on, Nick and I are surviving, I'm excited to be able to hold a conversation with him for longer than 5 mins on a daily basis again. Last night he slept in the guest room because he was sneezing and didn't want to wake up Jacen who refuses to sleep in his crib, or even just in his own room... awesome huh? I have promised myself over and over again I WILL NOT be one of those parents allowing their kid to sleep in their room... I realize he is only 7 weeks old but COME ON BUDDY... time to man up and sleep in your crib! Mommy wants her room back! :)
I was looking back on pictures of Jessa and realizing we have A LOT yet to come. I forgot all the "firsts." I've been so focused on just getting Jacen to not cry and praying that he starts walking soon, that I forgot all that's in between! Sitting up, crawling, 1st foods, standing... the list goes on. We have a whole year until like regains a bit of "easiness" but I'm starting to look forward to the coming months rather than dreading them... I just hope we can have a child that likes sleep as much as Jessa did... did I mention this is the 1st nap Jacen has taken that's longer than 20 mins with me not holding him in...5ish days? Yes, a true miracle I tell yoU!
See you back in a week or so to do a monthly update on the kiddos ;)
I feel like I need to jot a few notes down.
#1: PROBIOTICS SAVED MY LIFE!... I feel like I wrote this statement with Jessa but something else was in the title, and I have no idea what it was. Humm... Must check that out.
Jacen is finally opening his eyes, looking around, SMILING! and cooing. Ahhh Music and Sights to my ears and eyes. My little heart might explode if he keeps this up. Today he is 7 weeks and 2 days old. I finally feel like I'm going to make it! I WILL be a good parent and I WILL love both of my children equally! Wow... it's been a tough road!
#2: JESSA IS GROWING UP! Jessa starts a Mothers Day Out program here in a few weeks. She will be going to "school" 2 days a week (tues/thurs) from 9:30-2:30. She will eat lunch and nap at the school, which is really a church. Wow, I'm super excited for her but I'm also nervous for a whole other adjustment period... didn't we just get through one of those? Oya, we are currently still in it!
#3: What else do I have to write about besides my little J and Big J? There's really not much else going on, Nick and I are surviving, I'm excited to be able to hold a conversation with him for longer than 5 mins on a daily basis again. Last night he slept in the guest room because he was sneezing and didn't want to wake up Jacen who refuses to sleep in his crib, or even just in his own room... awesome huh? I have promised myself over and over again I WILL NOT be one of those parents allowing their kid to sleep in their room... I realize he is only 7 weeks old but COME ON BUDDY... time to man up and sleep in your crib! Mommy wants her room back! :)
I was looking back on pictures of Jessa and realizing we have A LOT yet to come. I forgot all the "firsts." I've been so focused on just getting Jacen to not cry and praying that he starts walking soon, that I forgot all that's in between! Sitting up, crawling, 1st foods, standing... the list goes on. We have a whole year until like regains a bit of "easiness" but I'm starting to look forward to the coming months rather than dreading them... I just hope we can have a child that likes sleep as much as Jessa did... did I mention this is the 1st nap Jacen has taken that's longer than 20 mins with me not holding him in...5ish days? Yes, a true miracle I tell yoU!
See you back in a week or so to do a monthly update on the kiddos ;)
Sunday, August 12, 2012
Proud Mama
I'm not one to brag, especially about my kid. At least I don't try to. On here it's different because (to my knowledge) not a lot of people know about this little blog. Anyway... today calls for a total brag moment!
Lets set the scene (so far this week):
*Started 5 week old Jacen on Zantac
*Been a week from Hell with Jacen, crying constantly
*Jessa go attacked by ants from stepping in a mound
*Jessa woke up cover in pee from head to toe
*Bad mom moment of the year made Jacen throw up all over himself by putting in the swing on high while crying because I thought he was just crying to cry.
*Left the keys in the Charger and drained the battery
*$160 and 24 hours later Nick got a new battery in the car
*24hour trail run with Formula turned into 2 formula feedings and a crazy mom.
So, as you can see we have not had a normal week in the least. So it's only fitting that today:
*Jacen slept from 9:30pm-9am with 1 feeding and continued to eat and sleep the rest of the day without crying for more than a few minutes at a time
AND THEN
*Around 5pm I noticed Jessa looking like she has to poo. We have bought Jessa a few "potty books" and she has one that she makes me read to her everyday. Anyway, usually if I can tell she is about to go, I usually ask her if she is pooping or peeing just so she can correlate the two. Today, as I'm nursing I ask her, "Jessa, are you pooping? Do you want to use the potty?" The kids eyes get so big she runs to the bathroom while I'm yelling for Nick to go help her since i'm stuck nursing in a chair. Thinking it was just a fluke I hear Nick cheering from the bathroom! I sat smiling from ear to ear and couldn't wait to make the biggest deal out of what she just accomplished. Fast forward to bed time, Nick sits her on it again... she goes AGAIN! And then after her bath too! WHOA!
I told Nick I am SO SO SO thankful for the timing of this. Even though this may make my life really difficult trying to nurse a newborn and put a kid on the potty she couldn't have found a better way to gain attention. She has been lacking attention so much since almost all of my effort all day long is put into Jacen that this will give her a chance to be praised and have attention that Jacen can't get.
WAY TO GO JESSA!
I'm more than a proud mama right now!!
Lets set the scene (so far this week):
*Started 5 week old Jacen on Zantac
*Been a week from Hell with Jacen, crying constantly
*Jessa go attacked by ants from stepping in a mound
*Jessa woke up cover in pee from head to toe
*Bad mom moment of the year made Jacen throw up all over himself by putting in the swing on high while crying because I thought he was just crying to cry.
*Left the keys in the Charger and drained the battery
*$160 and 24 hours later Nick got a new battery in the car
*24hour trail run with Formula turned into 2 formula feedings and a crazy mom.
So, as you can see we have not had a normal week in the least. So it's only fitting that today:
*Jacen slept from 9:30pm-9am with 1 feeding and continued to eat and sleep the rest of the day without crying for more than a few minutes at a time
AND THEN
*Around 5pm I noticed Jessa looking like she has to poo. We have bought Jessa a few "potty books" and she has one that she makes me read to her everyday. Anyway, usually if I can tell she is about to go, I usually ask her if she is pooping or peeing just so she can correlate the two. Today, as I'm nursing I ask her, "Jessa, are you pooping? Do you want to use the potty?" The kids eyes get so big she runs to the bathroom while I'm yelling for Nick to go help her since i'm stuck nursing in a chair. Thinking it was just a fluke I hear Nick cheering from the bathroom! I sat smiling from ear to ear and couldn't wait to make the biggest deal out of what she just accomplished. Fast forward to bed time, Nick sits her on it again... she goes AGAIN! And then after her bath too! WHOA!
I told Nick I am SO SO SO thankful for the timing of this. Even though this may make my life really difficult trying to nurse a newborn and put a kid on the potty she couldn't have found a better way to gain attention. She has been lacking attention so much since almost all of my effort all day long is put into Jacen that this will give her a chance to be praised and have attention that Jacen can't get.
WAY TO GO JESSA!
I'm more than a proud mama right now!!
Thursday, August 2, 2012
I may or may not be crying as I write this.
I'm exhausted, worn out, emotionally drained, hungry, my nipples are killing me and did I mention I was tired? I feel like the worst mom on the face of the earth. Sometimes I find myself questioning why I was even allowed to parent when I act the way I do.
I personally do not know of someone that can not calm their child down. Why do I feel like I'm the only one that doesn't know how to console my screaming child? I keep telling Nick "I don't think this is how normal babies act." But what if he is a normal baby and I'm just an awful parent? Am I not reading his "signs?" What am I doing wrong, because the way this is going I have to be doing SOMETHING wrong?!?!
I've tried almost everything I can think of, and I don't know what's left. All I feel like doing during the day is locking him in a room and playing with Jessa. I feel like I've been neglecting all of Jessa's needs. Today she cried the whole morning... then I had 10 free mins to sit down and play with her. She was a different child during this time, it was complete bliss. I miss her so much. I miss cuddling with her, having her sit on my lap and just telling her I love her. I never get to hold her anymore, I'm always holding him, bouncing him, shhhhing him, and yes, yelling at him that I just can't take it anymore. I miss her, I miss her smile and her laugh. I miss tickling her to the point her face goes red from laughing so hard, yet she wants me to keep going. I miss teaching her things, talking to her and trying to understand her babbling. Lately I can't even hear her over the shrieking that is taking place.
Somehow through this all she is the best big sister ever. I think if we can get past this craziness they really will be best friends. Today I put him down on the ground and she goes over and just pats his belly and says "HI!" Like he is the most loveable little boy in the whole world. (why can't I feel that way?) He almost instantly calms down and just looks at her... you can tell he really adores her. Maybe it's just because they speak the same language. During this little place fest they had going on, Jessa dropped a toy on Jacen's head. He started screaming (which was acceptable) I asked Jessa to say she was sorry (we are trying to learn this word at the moment) she did then proceeded to grab her sleep sack and put her head down. I asked if she wanted to keep playing with Jacen and she just said 'No' really sad. It was crazy how awful she felt about making him cry... like it's something new that he does.
I know I went through this with Jessa and I remember it does get better but right now I'm feeling very helpless. I know that friends offer to help, but really? I'm not going to shove my screaming kid at you while I go take a shower. I won't do that to you! Especially since almost all that have offered have kids of their own.
I know I wanted two kids, but two kids feels totally impossible right now. I don't know what I was thinking. I especially don't know what I was thinking when I thought I should go off birth control so soon.
I want to laugh again, I want to get out of the house without being terrified he's going to start crying. In fact, I just want to go a whole day without freaking out if I make one "wrong" move and set the whole day up for failure. I want to drink milk again, and eat cheese. Actually I just want to be able to eat anything and not panic if he's going to react to it or not. I know this is selfish and that I should want to do anything for my kids... but honestly I don't.
Let's get honest here? HA! Like I haven't already.
It's hard to say his name. I'm not even sure I like him at all. I look at him and wonder if he really is my child. I couldn't have given birth to something that I don't even like, right? He's made my life so much harder... so much harder. Did I mention how much harder he has made my life? I can't think straight, I can't sleep, I can't even smile. I miss my husband, I miss my daughter... I miss enjoying life. Life isn't fun, nor is it even enjoyable right now. I was going to say, waking up in the morning is dreadful, but actually every 3 hours is... I'm not even sure what the morning is anymore.
I went pretty crazy with Jessa during her "colicky" phase, but I was able to sleep when I could get her down. I could sleep in the chair with her all day. I could hold her all day... I had rest. With #2 I spend my whole day attempting to get him settled enough to put down so I can change Jessa's diaper, feed her, put her in her crib for a nap... I have someone else to care about. Sure it's nice to go to the bathroom myself once in awhile, but that can wait. Jessa, not so much.
I just don't know how much more I can take. I just wish there was a solution and I wish I didn't feel so awful and like it was completely my fault for why he cries all day.
I'm exhausted, worn out, emotionally drained, hungry, my nipples are killing me and did I mention I was tired? I feel like the worst mom on the face of the earth. Sometimes I find myself questioning why I was even allowed to parent when I act the way I do.
I personally do not know of someone that can not calm their child down. Why do I feel like I'm the only one that doesn't know how to console my screaming child? I keep telling Nick "I don't think this is how normal babies act." But what if he is a normal baby and I'm just an awful parent? Am I not reading his "signs?" What am I doing wrong, because the way this is going I have to be doing SOMETHING wrong?!?!
I've tried almost everything I can think of, and I don't know what's left. All I feel like doing during the day is locking him in a room and playing with Jessa. I feel like I've been neglecting all of Jessa's needs. Today she cried the whole morning... then I had 10 free mins to sit down and play with her. She was a different child during this time, it was complete bliss. I miss her so much. I miss cuddling with her, having her sit on my lap and just telling her I love her. I never get to hold her anymore, I'm always holding him, bouncing him, shhhhing him, and yes, yelling at him that I just can't take it anymore. I miss her, I miss her smile and her laugh. I miss tickling her to the point her face goes red from laughing so hard, yet she wants me to keep going. I miss teaching her things, talking to her and trying to understand her babbling. Lately I can't even hear her over the shrieking that is taking place.
Somehow through this all she is the best big sister ever. I think if we can get past this craziness they really will be best friends. Today I put him down on the ground and she goes over and just pats his belly and says "HI!" Like he is the most loveable little boy in the whole world. (why can't I feel that way?) He almost instantly calms down and just looks at her... you can tell he really adores her. Maybe it's just because they speak the same language. During this little place fest they had going on, Jessa dropped a toy on Jacen's head. He started screaming (which was acceptable) I asked Jessa to say she was sorry (we are trying to learn this word at the moment) she did then proceeded to grab her sleep sack and put her head down. I asked if she wanted to keep playing with Jacen and she just said 'No' really sad. It was crazy how awful she felt about making him cry... like it's something new that he does.
I know I went through this with Jessa and I remember it does get better but right now I'm feeling very helpless. I know that friends offer to help, but really? I'm not going to shove my screaming kid at you while I go take a shower. I won't do that to you! Especially since almost all that have offered have kids of their own.
I know I wanted two kids, but two kids feels totally impossible right now. I don't know what I was thinking. I especially don't know what I was thinking when I thought I should go off birth control so soon.
I want to laugh again, I want to get out of the house without being terrified he's going to start crying. In fact, I just want to go a whole day without freaking out if I make one "wrong" move and set the whole day up for failure. I want to drink milk again, and eat cheese. Actually I just want to be able to eat anything and not panic if he's going to react to it or not. I know this is selfish and that I should want to do anything for my kids... but honestly I don't.
Let's get honest here? HA! Like I haven't already.
It's hard to say his name. I'm not even sure I like him at all. I look at him and wonder if he really is my child. I couldn't have given birth to something that I don't even like, right? He's made my life so much harder... so much harder. Did I mention how much harder he has made my life? I can't think straight, I can't sleep, I can't even smile. I miss my husband, I miss my daughter... I miss enjoying life. Life isn't fun, nor is it even enjoyable right now. I was going to say, waking up in the morning is dreadful, but actually every 3 hours is... I'm not even sure what the morning is anymore.
I went pretty crazy with Jessa during her "colicky" phase, but I was able to sleep when I could get her down. I could sleep in the chair with her all day. I could hold her all day... I had rest. With #2 I spend my whole day attempting to get him settled enough to put down so I can change Jessa's diaper, feed her, put her in her crib for a nap... I have someone else to care about. Sure it's nice to go to the bathroom myself once in awhile, but that can wait. Jessa, not so much.
I just don't know how much more I can take. I just wish there was a solution and I wish I didn't feel so awful and like it was completely my fault for why he cries all day.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
And so it begins- Month one!
I want to write, I need to write... I have NO TIME!
Nick built me an awesome computer within an hour (minus time buying parts) and I've only been able to use it a couple of times. Finding time to do anything is so rare these days.
Where should I start?
How about I answer the question that everyone keeps asking. "So how are you doing?"
I'm doing well thanks! Ha! Ok joking aside. I'm doing fine. I'm hanging in there. Some days are better than others. Some days I look at Jacen and want to eat him up, other days I wish he were never born? Whoa... can I say that? I'm being honest right? (Jacen baby, if you ever read this, you may get your feelings hurt, and then you'll have a kid of your own and totally understand!) Jacen, thus far has been easier than Jessa. We have only had about one day where I seriously could not get him to stop crying. That was the day I said... "we are NOT doing this again." I started taking note on anything I could. I stopped all dairy, pretty much cut all caffeine out... I mean once in awhile I just gotta have a little something to keep me going. Other than that I've changed the way I burp him, I changed our latch, I changed the length of time I'm feeding him and basically I've done everything I've ever read to calm a fussy baby. Been there done that. Between Nick and I we spend about 80% of our day on the exercise ball just bouncing up and down. (Nick is actually on it while i'm able to type this.) Jacen LOVES movement, darkness, quietness and being hot. What can I say other than the kid is pretty high maintenance!
My bonding with his has been extremely different than with Jessa. I'm not sure if it's because he is a boy, if because we found out his sex before delivery, if delivery went too fast, or if it's just the second kid and I don't have time to count his fingers and toes and dote over him all day long. Whatever is it I'm finding that I tell Jessa I love her at least 100,000 times a day, but I think I've only said it maybe three times to Jacen. However, at this stage, I "like" Jacen a whole lot better than I "liked" Jessa.
Maybe now is a good time to write a disclaimer. I'm not comparing my children... Ok yes I am! I think that's ok though. I"m not doing it meanly I'm just stating what I"m feeling and to be honest once we get through the first year of Jacen's life, I know I will love my kids differently but equally... that's NOT saying I don't love them both right now. But I truly feel it takes time to get to know your child. I think I'm more so comparing experiences.
I can say, I've only cried a hand full of times thus far. What a huge accomplishment for me. With Jessa it was multiple times a day, all day long on certain days. I like to think since i've been through this once before and know deep down it gets better than anything I could have imagined with Jessa was so young... i'm just feeling more positive about the situation than I did the first time around.
So I hope that answers the "how are you doing?" It's honest, it's real and I'm doing just fine. I will survive this stage, believe it or not! (do I want to do it ever again... ya, probably not!)
So let's talk facts:
Jacen 1month old:
* Still wearing newborn clothes but too long for newborn sleepers
* Just made the switch over to size one diapers
* Not sure one weight gain but you can tell he is growing... and fast!
* He's got the longest feet I've ever seen on a newborn
* He's basically Nick's twin
* His eyes are blue/grey... they are beautiful accompanied by the prettiest longest eyelashes every. Longer than Jessa's!
* He's slept a 7 hour stretch... just once. Mostly it's 3 hours.
* He's the sleepiest eater ever and it's extremely annoying!
* His long stretches of sleep are ONLY if it's dark outside.
* My magic calming tool is "shhhhhing" in his right ear while holding his head in my left hand and his butt in my right... it works ALMOST every time
* He's not a fan of pacifiers but will nurse all day long if I let him
* Yes I'm nursing again...
* I think that's about it. It's lovely to see blue in the house, such a change, yet so similar from the first time around.
With that said... I'm more than ready for month two to come and go ;)
Jessa 21months old:
* Using two word sentences
* My absolutely favorite word she says is "oopsies" O my gosh, it's by far the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life!
* She is wearing 2T shirts but can still fit in some size 12mo. pants. Her torso is super long
* We have started introducing the potty and although she watches me pee about a trillion times a day, and watches Nick pee maybe once a month she still walks to the toilet, lifts up her shirt, stands in front of it... with her pants on and then flushes... I think we have some work to do!!!
* She has taken to having a brother better than I ever could have expected. She adores him, kisses him, shh's him, burps him. Basically she plays mom #2 to him.
* For some reason his crying doesn't bother her. I'm not sure why, but there has only been once she has gotten really flustered over him crying. Which is really great!
* She has learned that since Jacen cries and gets attention, maybe she can too! This has been hard.
* "Sleep sack" is her best friend and it's a bit out of control. I don't know how to handle this but she carries it around the house all day long, it stinks worse than anything I've ever smelled despite being washed AT LEAST weekly and she cries whines and does numerous other annoying things when it gets taken away or is lost around the house somewhere.
* Recently she is attempting to put clothes on herself. She loves going through her draws and trying to put all the clothes on. Soon I suppose she will be able to dress herself!
* Basically she's awesome. She's still one of the best behaved kids I know. Yes, she has her days. Just yesterday I told Nick "she is annoying the crap out of me today!" BAH! She was into everything she wasn't suppose to be in, but at the end of the day she is so sweet and loving there is no way I just can't smile when I look at her. :)
With that all said... I should give Nick a break from a crying child going on hour 4 :)
Nick built me an awesome computer within an hour (minus time buying parts) and I've only been able to use it a couple of times. Finding time to do anything is so rare these days.
Where should I start?
How about I answer the question that everyone keeps asking. "So how are you doing?"
I'm doing well thanks! Ha! Ok joking aside. I'm doing fine. I'm hanging in there. Some days are better than others. Some days I look at Jacen and want to eat him up, other days I wish he were never born? Whoa... can I say that? I'm being honest right? (Jacen baby, if you ever read this, you may get your feelings hurt, and then you'll have a kid of your own and totally understand!) Jacen, thus far has been easier than Jessa. We have only had about one day where I seriously could not get him to stop crying. That was the day I said... "we are NOT doing this again." I started taking note on anything I could. I stopped all dairy, pretty much cut all caffeine out... I mean once in awhile I just gotta have a little something to keep me going. Other than that I've changed the way I burp him, I changed our latch, I changed the length of time I'm feeding him and basically I've done everything I've ever read to calm a fussy baby. Been there done that. Between Nick and I we spend about 80% of our day on the exercise ball just bouncing up and down. (Nick is actually on it while i'm able to type this.) Jacen LOVES movement, darkness, quietness and being hot. What can I say other than the kid is pretty high maintenance!
My bonding with his has been extremely different than with Jessa. I'm not sure if it's because he is a boy, if because we found out his sex before delivery, if delivery went too fast, or if it's just the second kid and I don't have time to count his fingers and toes and dote over him all day long. Whatever is it I'm finding that I tell Jessa I love her at least 100,000 times a day, but I think I've only said it maybe three times to Jacen. However, at this stage, I "like" Jacen a whole lot better than I "liked" Jessa.
Maybe now is a good time to write a disclaimer. I'm not comparing my children... Ok yes I am! I think that's ok though. I"m not doing it meanly I'm just stating what I"m feeling and to be honest once we get through the first year of Jacen's life, I know I will love my kids differently but equally... that's NOT saying I don't love them both right now. But I truly feel it takes time to get to know your child. I think I'm more so comparing experiences.
I can say, I've only cried a hand full of times thus far. What a huge accomplishment for me. With Jessa it was multiple times a day, all day long on certain days. I like to think since i've been through this once before and know deep down it gets better than anything I could have imagined with Jessa was so young... i'm just feeling more positive about the situation than I did the first time around.
So I hope that answers the "how are you doing?" It's honest, it's real and I'm doing just fine. I will survive this stage, believe it or not! (do I want to do it ever again... ya, probably not!)
So let's talk facts:
Jacen 1month old:
* Still wearing newborn clothes but too long for newborn sleepers
* Just made the switch over to size one diapers
* Not sure one weight gain but you can tell he is growing... and fast!
* He's got the longest feet I've ever seen on a newborn
* He's basically Nick's twin
* His eyes are blue/grey... they are beautiful accompanied by the prettiest longest eyelashes every. Longer than Jessa's!
* He's slept a 7 hour stretch... just once. Mostly it's 3 hours.
* He's the sleepiest eater ever and it's extremely annoying!
* His long stretches of sleep are ONLY if it's dark outside.
* My magic calming tool is "shhhhhing" in his right ear while holding his head in my left hand and his butt in my right... it works ALMOST every time
* He's not a fan of pacifiers but will nurse all day long if I let him
* Yes I'm nursing again...
* I think that's about it. It's lovely to see blue in the house, such a change, yet so similar from the first time around.
With that said... I'm more than ready for month two to come and go ;)
Jessa 21months old:
* Using two word sentences
* My absolutely favorite word she says is "oopsies" O my gosh, it's by far the cutest thing I've ever seen in my life!
* She is wearing 2T shirts but can still fit in some size 12mo. pants. Her torso is super long
* We have started introducing the potty and although she watches me pee about a trillion times a day, and watches Nick pee maybe once a month she still walks to the toilet, lifts up her shirt, stands in front of it... with her pants on and then flushes... I think we have some work to do!!!
* She has taken to having a brother better than I ever could have expected. She adores him, kisses him, shh's him, burps him. Basically she plays mom #2 to him.
* For some reason his crying doesn't bother her. I'm not sure why, but there has only been once she has gotten really flustered over him crying. Which is really great!
* She has learned that since Jacen cries and gets attention, maybe she can too! This has been hard.
* "Sleep sack" is her best friend and it's a bit out of control. I don't know how to handle this but she carries it around the house all day long, it stinks worse than anything I've ever smelled despite being washed AT LEAST weekly and she cries whines and does numerous other annoying things when it gets taken away or is lost around the house somewhere.
* Recently she is attempting to put clothes on herself. She loves going through her draws and trying to put all the clothes on. Soon I suppose she will be able to dress herself!
* Basically she's awesome. She's still one of the best behaved kids I know. Yes, she has her days. Just yesterday I told Nick "she is annoying the crap out of me today!" BAH! She was into everything she wasn't suppose to be in, but at the end of the day she is so sweet and loving there is no way I just can't smile when I look at her. :)
With that all said... I should give Nick a break from a crying child going on hour 4 :)
Saturday, June 23, 2012
June 24th
After my last doctors appointment and finding out I had dilated to a 3 in a week I got pretty excited and wondered if maybe Jacen would share the same birthday with Zac. The only problem with this "plan" is that my Doula's son's birthday is also the 24th and she had told me she missed his 1st birthday, and if for some reason I did deliver on the 24th, she would miss his 2nd too.
Here we are June 23rd. I feel different. Labor is such a waiting game, one min. i'm sure this is it, the next I feel like I could go all the way to my due date. It definitively a roller coaster ride. I can feel my stomach tightening, I have been excessively hot all day.. I suppose though only time will tell if it's the real deal or not.
I've had a lot of people questioning me "are you ready?" I suppose the reason for this post tonight is to remember how I was feeling before I welcome my 2nd child into the world.
... I can't believe I'm going to be a mom of 2...
This pregnancy has definitely flown by. It really does seem like yesterday it was the morning of Jessa's birthday party and I got my first dark positive line on my pregnancy text. I was overjoyed, scared, and in disbelief I had actually gotten pregnant in Cancun like we had planned for... before we even had Jessa. I was pretty sure it would take a few months of trying to get pregnant, which would put the kids at exactly 2 years apart, however on the 1st "try" it happened.
20 months. That's the space in between my children. Am I ready? No not at all. I don't feel mentally prepared for what's about to happen. Would I have been more prepared if we would have waiting a few months? I can't answer that, I can only answer that I"m scared out of my mind on how to take care of two "babies."
Jessa is about the coolest kid I know. She is overly helpful, super sweet, very nurturing, and overall an almost perfect child. I couldn't have asked for a better behaved kid! With that said, she has her moments. She gets her hand, mouth and behind slapped at times, she gets her full name called out in an angry tone and has also recently been sent to her "time out crib" (AKA the only space she can cool down without running away from.) I'm feeling extra guilty that her days as an only child are so limited. I feel like I took her 2nd year of life away from her from being pregnant during it, which limited my abilities to do things, and then these next couple of months leading up to her 2nd birthday will be spent splitting my time between her and a newborn. I wish I had more time with her, and her alone...
I'm nervous my fuse with Jessa is going to be shortened due to lack of sleep, and just the over all frustrations that come along with having a new born. I don't want this to happen. I'm scared she is going to get put on the back burner during times where I am nursing, and Barney is going to become a better friend to her than her own mom.
Like I said, I'm just feeling mentally unprepared for this...
How do you even prepare for this?
I keep telling myself I have time, I have time. Reality is my hospital bags are packed, my little boy's clothes are washed and folded in his dresser, his bed has clean sheets on it and the car seat is 1/2 way installed in the car... we are "ready" for him to come home and complete our family. Just maybe not tonight???
I feel like I just need more time, just a few more days, a few more mins, a few more seconds alone with my daughter, and then I'll be ready. Ready to hold a sweet baby boy that me and my one and only true love made together. I'll be ready to look at his face, kiss his sweet cheeks, count his fingers and toes and go crazy at how beautiful his little features are. Maybe in a few days I'll be ready to forget all the craziness that having a newborn in the house holds, the late nights, the crying, the inconsistent schedule, maybe in a few days I'll forget that happens and focus my happiness that God has blessed me with two babies, a beautiful girl and a handsome boy. Maybe in a few days my life will feel complete... For right now, I'm not sure that I'm ready... Or am I?
If you are reading this, please say a little prayer for me. I'm scared, not because I don't think I can do it, because I know I can. I'm scared that I"m not going to be good at it. I'm scared I"m going to hate every moment of the next year. I'm scared that I'm going to dread waking up in the morning for fear of what the day will hold. I want it to be easy, I want to fall so in love with my son the way I have with my daughter... please pray that happens.
For now, I'll sit and wait. Sit and pray. Prepare my mind for two babies because let's face it... It will happen sooner than later. I will meet my baby boy soon.
Here we are June 23rd. I feel different. Labor is such a waiting game, one min. i'm sure this is it, the next I feel like I could go all the way to my due date. It definitively a roller coaster ride. I can feel my stomach tightening, I have been excessively hot all day.. I suppose though only time will tell if it's the real deal or not.
I've had a lot of people questioning me "are you ready?" I suppose the reason for this post tonight is to remember how I was feeling before I welcome my 2nd child into the world.
... I can't believe I'm going to be a mom of 2...
This pregnancy has definitely flown by. It really does seem like yesterday it was the morning of Jessa's birthday party and I got my first dark positive line on my pregnancy text. I was overjoyed, scared, and in disbelief I had actually gotten pregnant in Cancun like we had planned for... before we even had Jessa. I was pretty sure it would take a few months of trying to get pregnant, which would put the kids at exactly 2 years apart, however on the 1st "try" it happened.
20 months. That's the space in between my children. Am I ready? No not at all. I don't feel mentally prepared for what's about to happen. Would I have been more prepared if we would have waiting a few months? I can't answer that, I can only answer that I"m scared out of my mind on how to take care of two "babies."
Jessa is about the coolest kid I know. She is overly helpful, super sweet, very nurturing, and overall an almost perfect child. I couldn't have asked for a better behaved kid! With that said, she has her moments. She gets her hand, mouth and behind slapped at times, she gets her full name called out in an angry tone and has also recently been sent to her "time out crib" (AKA the only space she can cool down without running away from.) I'm feeling extra guilty that her days as an only child are so limited. I feel like I took her 2nd year of life away from her from being pregnant during it, which limited my abilities to do things, and then these next couple of months leading up to her 2nd birthday will be spent splitting my time between her and a newborn. I wish I had more time with her, and her alone...
I'm nervous my fuse with Jessa is going to be shortened due to lack of sleep, and just the over all frustrations that come along with having a new born. I don't want this to happen. I'm scared she is going to get put on the back burner during times where I am nursing, and Barney is going to become a better friend to her than her own mom.
Like I said, I'm just feeling mentally unprepared for this...
How do you even prepare for this?
I keep telling myself I have time, I have time. Reality is my hospital bags are packed, my little boy's clothes are washed and folded in his dresser, his bed has clean sheets on it and the car seat is 1/2 way installed in the car... we are "ready" for him to come home and complete our family. Just maybe not tonight???
I feel like I just need more time, just a few more days, a few more mins, a few more seconds alone with my daughter, and then I'll be ready. Ready to hold a sweet baby boy that me and my one and only true love made together. I'll be ready to look at his face, kiss his sweet cheeks, count his fingers and toes and go crazy at how beautiful his little features are. Maybe in a few days I'll be ready to forget all the craziness that having a newborn in the house holds, the late nights, the crying, the inconsistent schedule, maybe in a few days I'll forget that happens and focus my happiness that God has blessed me with two babies, a beautiful girl and a handsome boy. Maybe in a few days my life will feel complete... For right now, I'm not sure that I'm ready... Or am I?
If you are reading this, please say a little prayer for me. I'm scared, not because I don't think I can do it, because I know I can. I'm scared that I"m not going to be good at it. I'm scared I"m going to hate every moment of the next year. I'm scared that I'm going to dread waking up in the morning for fear of what the day will hold. I want it to be easy, I want to fall so in love with my son the way I have with my daughter... please pray that happens.
For now, I'll sit and wait. Sit and pray. Prepare my mind for two babies because let's face it... It will happen sooner than later. I will meet my baby boy soon.
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