I may or may not be crying as I write this.
I'm exhausted, worn out, emotionally drained, hungry, my nipples are killing me and did I mention I was tired? I feel like the worst mom on the face of the earth. Sometimes I find myself questioning why I was even allowed to parent when I act the way I do.
I personally do not know of someone that can not calm their child down. Why do I feel like I'm the only one that doesn't know how to console my screaming child? I keep telling Nick "I don't think this is how normal babies act." But what if he is a normal baby and I'm just an awful parent? Am I not reading his "signs?" What am I doing wrong, because the way this is going I have to be doing SOMETHING wrong?!?!
I've tried almost everything I can think of, and I don't know what's left. All I feel like doing during the day is locking him in a room and playing with Jessa. I feel like I've been neglecting all of Jessa's needs. Today she cried the whole morning... then I had 10 free mins to sit down and play with her. She was a different child during this time, it was complete bliss. I miss her so much. I miss cuddling with her, having her sit on my lap and just telling her I love her. I never get to hold her anymore, I'm always holding him, bouncing him, shhhhing him, and yes, yelling at him that I just can't take it anymore. I miss her, I miss her smile and her laugh. I miss tickling her to the point her face goes red from laughing so hard, yet she wants me to keep going. I miss teaching her things, talking to her and trying to understand her babbling. Lately I can't even hear her over the shrieking that is taking place.
Somehow through this all she is the best big sister ever. I think if we can get past this craziness they really will be best friends. Today I put him down on the ground and she goes over and just pats his belly and says "HI!" Like he is the most loveable little boy in the whole world. (why can't I feel that way?) He almost instantly calms down and just looks at her... you can tell he really adores her. Maybe it's just because they speak the same language. During this little place fest they had going on, Jessa dropped a toy on Jacen's head. He started screaming (which was acceptable) I asked Jessa to say she was sorry (we are trying to learn this word at the moment) she did then proceeded to grab her sleep sack and put her head down. I asked if she wanted to keep playing with Jacen and she just said 'No' really sad. It was crazy how awful she felt about making him cry... like it's something new that he does.
I know I went through this with Jessa and I remember it does get better but right now I'm feeling very helpless. I know that friends offer to help, but really? I'm not going to shove my screaming kid at you while I go take a shower. I won't do that to you! Especially since almost all that have offered have kids of their own.
I know I wanted two kids, but two kids feels totally impossible right now. I don't know what I was thinking. I especially don't know what I was thinking when I thought I should go off birth control so soon.
I want to laugh again, I want to get out of the house without being terrified he's going to start crying. In fact, I just want to go a whole day without freaking out if I make one "wrong" move and set the whole day up for failure. I want to drink milk again, and eat cheese. Actually I just want to be able to eat anything and not panic if he's going to react to it or not. I know this is selfish and that I should want to do anything for my kids... but honestly I don't.
Let's get honest here? HA! Like I haven't already.
It's hard to say his name. I'm not even sure I like him at all. I look at him and wonder if he really is my child. I couldn't have given birth to something that I don't even like, right? He's made my life so much harder... so much harder. Did I mention how much harder he has made my life? I can't think straight, I can't sleep, I can't even smile. I miss my husband, I miss my daughter... I miss enjoying life. Life isn't fun, nor is it even enjoyable right now. I was going to say, waking up in the morning is dreadful, but actually every 3 hours is... I'm not even sure what the morning is anymore.
I went pretty crazy with Jessa during her "colicky" phase, but I was able to sleep when I could get her down. I could sleep in the chair with her all day. I could hold her all day... I had rest. With #2 I spend my whole day attempting to get him settled enough to put down so I can change Jessa's diaper, feed her, put her in her crib for a nap... I have someone else to care about. Sure it's nice to go to the bathroom myself once in awhile, but that can wait. Jessa, not so much.
I just don't know how much more I can take. I just wish there was a solution and I wish I didn't feel so awful and like it was completely my fault for why he cries all day.
I know, and I know you know, that everything you are experiencing is normal. Having a colicky baby is insane. I can't say from experience but from the little bit of struggles we went through with Hudson I 100% completely remember being to that point where I was just over it (and I didn't have another child to care for!) I cannot IMAGINE how you are feeling. I also went through a long period of time where I didn't think I loved Hudson. My co-worker who had her baby a month after me would say 'oh I can't imagine loving anything or anyone more than him' and I'd sit there and stare at Hudson like he was this foreign thing dropped off at my door step and I had no emotional connection to him whatsoever. It KILLED ME to feel as though I didn't love him, or even like him, or even want him (dare I say it!) It took me time. And like you said before in a previous post, maybe it's because he's a boy? Maybe for you it's because he's #2 and a boy and colicky who knows. It's all NORMAL. Like you said, it WILL get better and when I am on #2 (in like 2-4 years) and dealing with all these emotions you'll sit back, relax, read a book and smile while Jacen and Jessa entertain themselves by playing together and your house is clean and life is good and easy again for you. Hang in there sister, take it one day at a time.
ReplyDeleteNONE Of his crying is your fault. I know you know that but it's hard to understand. I'd feel the same way. Have you thought of ditching the breast and doing formula?
Also--I think the SAME way you do about not wanting to toss your screaming ticking time bomb into a friends arms but DO IT. They are offering because they LOVE YOU and they want to help. A shower isn't more than what 20 minutes. They can handle him for 20 minutes. Please PLEASE take someone up on any offer to help you out. You need and deserve some time away from him to regroup it's imperative to being sane. Maybe even have one of them take Jessa for a few hours so that you can have some time with just Jacen where you aren't feeling like you have to split your time and she can play with your friends' kids. Or, she could spend an entire day with a friend who doesn't have kids and she can feel special and important and get that one on one attention for a little while. Just a thought. One day at a time my friend.
You are most definitely in my prayers!
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