So it's night number 2 that I can't sleep. I'm more than tired, exhausted might be a word used to describe what I'm feeling. I've been in bed for almost 2 hours now, and after watching Teen Mom 2, tried to close my eyes... but no such luck.
Nick's gone on Business to PA for the week and I'm left at home to keep the household running. Yes... that sounds really strange. It's strange enough that I have my very own child that depends on me 24 hours a day, but when you add a 16 year old depending on you too, it's just a really strange feeling. Usually when Nick is gone on business it's my excuse to not clean, not cook, and basically just resort to "college life." It's so much different this trip. I have responsibilities and lots of them. It's a love/hate sort of deal. Having these so called responsibilities is making the time go by faster than normal, however I can't lay around in my pj's all day, watching reruns of Oprah and occasionally flipping to Maury to find out "who is the father?" I can't grab a pizza for dinner... or eat doughnuts for every meal. (Not that I've ever done that before??) Let's face it... I'M OFFICIALLY A MOM.
I made the mistake tonight of wondering what happened to my old blog I started back when I went to work in NC for the summer. Searching for this blog brought me to my old Purdue email address, which brings old emails, which brings old memories, which brings me to where I am right now, emotional. :) My life has changed so much since College. I'm looking through my old inbox and while the setup is different, I can picture myself sitting in each of my 5 rooms I lived in writing and reading these emails. It's seriously like I'm back in those old rooms, and then I hear Jessa on the monitor next to me and I'm back to reality.
College was by far the hardest experience I have ever gone through. As if trying to find yourself and become an adult isn't hard enough pile on homework and tests and the pressure of "thinking" your whole life is depending on what you are doing at this moment. Wow... I'm stressed just thinking about it. However, with all that said, my glimpse back into the world of college tonight put a smile on my face, and butterfly's in my tummy. Those WHERE good days, I DID find myself, I DID become an adult, and by golly I'm still alive and doing well, even though I'm doing nothing with my diploma I worked so hard for. Where am I going with this???
I need to learn to step back and be grateful for my life in the present. All too often I find myself living in the future and when I take a step back, I realize I missed out on truly enjoying a wonderful experience. Just today I was driving with Jessa in the back seat, and I couldn't keep my eyes off her. (that darn mirror I have is sure to cause an accident someday!) All I could think is I am SO incredibly lucky to have such a perfect little girl. With that said, I couldn't have made such a perfect little girl without an amazing husband. I am so blessed with the life I have been given, why am I not taking full advantage of it?
While searching for my old blog I came upon a blog I suppose I tried to start before I made this one. It was titled "The way to prepare for life is to begin to live." I liked this when I read it, I felt like wow! that's a good quote. But as I read it again, What does it even mean???? I'm sitting here hysterically laughing because I feel like it's so... "deep" that it doesn't even make sense. Why am I writing about this? This post is going nowhere tonight.
I wanted to copy and paste my last blog entry of my blog I started right before the wedding. Some may understand it, some may not but I had to pat myself on the back because it's really good writing!!
Here it is titled "A lot of Honesty"
The date today is August 6th, 2008. Alot has happened since the last post. For example, i've pretty much become a US traveler. July 11th, I left camp to drive to Knoxville, TN to get on an airplane and fly to Indy to be in Sara and Kenny's Wedding (which was AMAZING by the way.) On July 13th, I flew out of Indy drove 2 1/2 hours back to Camp, told them "It's time for me to leave" packed my things, said my goodbyes and traveled 10 hours in my car.... with no speedometer, back to Indy to sleep at my brothers for the night. The next morning I got back in my car and headed up to Valpo to hang out at my parents house for a few weeks, to decide what i was doing with my life. It's a strange day when you have no responsibilities, are sleeping on a pull out couch, have no income, and your soon to be husband is a thousand miles away... Needless to say, one questions what life has in store for them next.
A few weeks went by... a good few weeks. Caught up with old friends then realized... Valpo was not where i was suppose to be right now. I needed to be with Nick, I need to see that person i was going to Marry in just about 2 months. So i did just what every girl does best... i panicked. I lost sense of who i was, what i was doing, where i was going and just about everything that was important to me. I called Nick at about 1am one night, confessed that i was one big ball...of everything i didn't want to be, and about 12 hours later I was on a plane to meet my Prince Charming.
Its funny... Life that is. Just when you think you have everything figured out and nothing possibly could go wrong... thats when the world shakes and you fall on your face. I feel so privileged to have people to support me and pick me back up when those times happen. I don't know what i would do without those certain people in my life.
I'm not one to tell you that everything is fine and dandy when it's not... which is why it was best that I leave camp. I wonder to myself often if that is a good quality or a bad quality of mine... then i realize... it's just me!! I worry about pointless stuff, and I freak about little things... but in the end I have faith that this is my life, and it will work out according to God's plan.
So here i sit in Houston TX. Something like the 4th largest city in the world?? (I'm totally pulling that out of my rear) I never expected myself to end up here. I still don't know if i see Houston as a reality. It scares me down here, it's so unfamiliar... everything is so "new."
Here i am, with my heart open on the table scared, broken, anxious, imperfect and totally insecure... But I feel ok with where I am. For the first time in a long while, I'm choosing to Trust God again."
I hate this post for what it stands for, and a memory I wish to forget. But there is something so refreshing about reading that. It was a huge turning point in my life, and while a lot of things have changed about me, such as my age, my marital status, my homeowner status, my child bearing status along with many more life experiences and more grown up emotions... I'm still me and for that I'm so grateful :) The last few lines of that blog, "Here i am, with my heart open on the table scared, broken, anxious, imperfect and totally insecure... But I feel ok with where I am. For the first time in a long while, I'm choosing to Trust God again" THAT'S ME!
...................................................................................
It's always fun to start a new post and wonder what I will be discussing by the end of it. I never end a post how I expected to when I started writing, but that's what makes writing so fun. I had so much more to say, but apparently what got written down tonight is what I needed to get out, so there you have it folks...
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Better
"ahhhhh...." I've been saying that alot these days. Don't get me wrong this is not an "AHHHHH" It's a peaceful, sigh "ahhh...." I think I'm finally enjoying life again. I'm not nauseous at the site of food, I can hold my pee for long than an hour, my muscles/ligaments don't ache, I'm not carrying around a ginormous belly, I actually sleep in my bed now instead of the chair, my butt doesn't go numb anymore, my back doesn't hurt 99% of the day, I can put on and tie my shoes without becoming out of breath, AND my daughter decided she doesn't hate life which now means, I can sleep through the night, I don't cry during the day, I can smile back at her when she smiles, I don't want to run away when she cries, I love my husband again and think he is pretty amazing, and last but not least I can leave the house without panic that Jessa will misbehave. :)
BASICALLY, I'm just happy again! It's been almost a year since I have felt truly happy. I mean there are always things that I want to improve, my weight being one of them... but I'm happy! I just want to shout it out :)
I'm not sure I can put into words exactly what I felt in the weeks after Jessa was born. Here I thought that my 9 months I was pregnant for were hard, and then she was born. I'm still not 100% sure why she cried ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the time! I just remember telling Nick "I really don't think this is normal." To be honest though, even though I listed all of those things in the beginning of this post, most of them are out of my head. Yes pregnancy sucked, but I want to do it again. Call me crazy but I absolutely LOVED labor, so yes I want to do that again. And yes the first 7 weeks of Jessa's life was complete and udder HELL but... I think I could do it again. WOW! I think God definitely has his hand in this one because for me to say that is just... wow! Everyone kept telling me during my pregnancy "keep your eyes on the prize." Well the prize I got wasn't the prize I was expecting and really, I wanted a different prize! But now... Now I look at this beautiful little girl I have and it just brings tears to my eyes. She is so perfect, so well behaved and she is MINE! ALL MINE! I find when I leave her for more than an hour I miss her. Or when I wake up when Nick leaves at 6:30am and she is still sleeping I want to go get her. She is everything I expected having a child would be like and more. BAH! I just want to gush about her all day long.
... Lets talk about something other than Jessa. Here is a challenge to myself to write about everything but her for the rest of this entry. Here I go...
So I've gotten back to going to the gym. It feels absolutely wonderful, except for the part where every time I start a workout program I end up gaining 10 lbs off the bat. I know this sounds crazy but it's true. And then I get really discouraged and quit and then end up 10 lbs heavier than when I started. This is honestly how I've gained about 30lbs in the last few years. I can't give up though, not this time! I must continue because I LOVE working out. I've always loved being active. I hate sitting still but it's what I have resorted to for a while now, this is got to change. I just need to be continually reminded about how good it feels to work out, which means I have to get my butt to the gym... end of story. :)
February/March is going to be a busy month and I'm more than ready for it. I have alot of visitors coming, like Jessica Garst, Annalee, My mom, Sara and Kaicey and believe it or not there are still room for more :) February holds for alot of birthdays and alot of celebrating. Nick's birthday/Valentines day presents are already picked out and I'm super excited for it.
Nick is buying a t.v in the next few days. He has managed to get $1,000 in gift cards to best buy. How can I really say no to that? I can't! So we will be joining the rest of you in the 21st century now. :) Goodbye 24in. box t.v! You have been wonderful to me! :)
I'm feeling more and more settled here in North Houston. I feel like I have a pretty solid group of friends, although it's just still not home. I miss my mom more than I ever thought I would and often day dream of packing up the car and just driving through the night to go see her. Nick would love that huh? haha. It's far, it's really really far! I miss being close to everyone that feels "safe." Friends and family that I can be 100% myself around, and have known me for longer than a year. I miss feeling comfortable! Even though I love my friends here, it's just not the same, someday I can hope it will be, but I think a part of my heart will always remain in Indiana. (and I think i'm OK with that?)
Ok enough writing for now. It feels so good to sit down and clear my mind. I don't even care if anyone ever reads this post for it's lack of enthusiasm or humor, it just feels good write.
Goodnight,
PS. I LOVE JESSA.... hahaha I almost made it!
BASICALLY, I'm just happy again! It's been almost a year since I have felt truly happy. I mean there are always things that I want to improve, my weight being one of them... but I'm happy! I just want to shout it out :)
I'm not sure I can put into words exactly what I felt in the weeks after Jessa was born. Here I thought that my 9 months I was pregnant for were hard, and then she was born. I'm still not 100% sure why she cried ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the time! I just remember telling Nick "I really don't think this is normal." To be honest though, even though I listed all of those things in the beginning of this post, most of them are out of my head. Yes pregnancy sucked, but I want to do it again. Call me crazy but I absolutely LOVED labor, so yes I want to do that again. And yes the first 7 weeks of Jessa's life was complete and udder HELL but... I think I could do it again. WOW! I think God definitely has his hand in this one because for me to say that is just... wow! Everyone kept telling me during my pregnancy "keep your eyes on the prize." Well the prize I got wasn't the prize I was expecting and really, I wanted a different prize! But now... Now I look at this beautiful little girl I have and it just brings tears to my eyes. She is so perfect, so well behaved and she is MINE! ALL MINE! I find when I leave her for more than an hour I miss her. Or when I wake up when Nick leaves at 6:30am and she is still sleeping I want to go get her. She is everything I expected having a child would be like and more. BAH! I just want to gush about her all day long.
... Lets talk about something other than Jessa. Here is a challenge to myself to write about everything but her for the rest of this entry. Here I go...
So I've gotten back to going to the gym. It feels absolutely wonderful, except for the part where every time I start a workout program I end up gaining 10 lbs off the bat. I know this sounds crazy but it's true. And then I get really discouraged and quit and then end up 10 lbs heavier than when I started. This is honestly how I've gained about 30lbs in the last few years. I can't give up though, not this time! I must continue because I LOVE working out. I've always loved being active. I hate sitting still but it's what I have resorted to for a while now, this is got to change. I just need to be continually reminded about how good it feels to work out, which means I have to get my butt to the gym... end of story. :)
February/March is going to be a busy month and I'm more than ready for it. I have alot of visitors coming, like Jessica Garst, Annalee, My mom, Sara and Kaicey and believe it or not there are still room for more :) February holds for alot of birthdays and alot of celebrating. Nick's birthday/Valentines day presents are already picked out and I'm super excited for it.
Nick is buying a t.v in the next few days. He has managed to get $1,000 in gift cards to best buy. How can I really say no to that? I can't! So we will be joining the rest of you in the 21st century now. :) Goodbye 24in. box t.v! You have been wonderful to me! :)
I'm feeling more and more settled here in North Houston. I feel like I have a pretty solid group of friends, although it's just still not home. I miss my mom more than I ever thought I would and often day dream of packing up the car and just driving through the night to go see her. Nick would love that huh? haha. It's far, it's really really far! I miss being close to everyone that feels "safe." Friends and family that I can be 100% myself around, and have known me for longer than a year. I miss feeling comfortable! Even though I love my friends here, it's just not the same, someday I can hope it will be, but I think a part of my heart will always remain in Indiana. (and I think i'm OK with that?)
Ok enough writing for now. It feels so good to sit down and clear my mind. I don't even care if anyone ever reads this post for it's lack of enthusiasm or humor, it just feels good write.
Goodnight,
PS. I LOVE JESSA.... hahaha I almost made it!
Dear Jessa (month 3)
Baby Girl,
It's been awhile since I have had a chance to sit down and think about how big you are getting. You are 13 weeks and 2 days old today. You were swaddled up in your swing today and when I unswaddled you I was shocked, you looked like you grew 2 inches in the 2 hours you were sleeping!!! I'm not sure how much you weigh these days but I'm guessing somewhere around 13 pounds. Probably more, but we'll just say 13 for now ;)
You have changed so much in these short 13 weeks of your life. I'm both sad and grateful that those times are over for us. You were definitely a hand full, and because of that I feel like I missed out of such a sweet stage of your life. I know you are still itty bitty compared to what you will grow up to be, but it's becoming more and more rare for you to sleep on my chest which is something that I will greatly miss!
You are mostly on a schedule... well it's more like a routine. You are sleeping SOO SOO good at night and I can't thank you enough for those 7-11 hours I get each and every night! Once you get up you eat, play for an hour 1/2 and then go back to sleep for about an hour. Once bedtime comes, daddy and I give you a bath (which you LOVE!!!) we turn the lights out and the fan on and you eat in the dark, burp, get swaddled and fall fast asleep. I love this routine with you. Mainly I love finally knowing why you cry during the day. You haven't cried for more than 10 mins. at a time in almost a month. IT IS WONDERFUL! 99% of the time I can make you stop crying, and the other 1% I'm either busy or your just whinnying so I let you cry.. sorry? You have changed so much from the child I took home from the hospital.
You have been holding you head up strong for a while now. The other day I got your jumping toy (the frog) out and put it together for you. Your feet come about 3 inches from touching the ground and your body gets swallowed up in the seat, but you love just hanging out and looking at the world. You now eat dinner with us sitting in your bumbo at the table with us. That is fun! Recently I found a cow (the ugliest thing I have ever seen)in a pile of stuff that was given to you. Its is suppose to hide an air freshener but I believe it might become your new favorite toy. You love to sit in your bumbo and have conversations with it.
I'm having a hard time taking my eyes off you these days. Not because I'm scared for you, or because you are getting into anything but because I love you so much. Watching you is my most favorite activity I have ever done. I love watching you learn, listening to you try and talk, and watching your silly facial expressions when something happens. You are such an amazement to me!
These are some of your favorite things at the moment:
-You have to be swaddled to fall into a deep sleep
-You will sleep in your swing for hours upon hours if swaddled and the heartbeat sound is playing.
-You love sitting up and looking around
-You love music of all kinds. During the day the radio is always on!
-YOU LOVE BATHS! I will put you in the tub and you will just look at me and smile for like 5 mins. straight. After that you get so excited and kick and coo and make all kind of funny faces. This is my favorite time with you!
-You love when dad carry's you around the house. He will just walk/pace the house and you have the most content look on your face.
-You usually always respond to a smile with a smile now. It makes my heart melt.
I hope by these letters to you, I can look back and remember how sweet of a time this was. I love you more and more each day, it's kind of ridiculous. Just when I think I couldn't possibly love you more, you go and do something to steal more of my heat. You are by far the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Thank you for finally settling down, and allowing me to love you. I am enjoying these days with you more than I ever thought possible.
I love you Jessalynn Jean Taube!
Love, Mommy!
It's been awhile since I have had a chance to sit down and think about how big you are getting. You are 13 weeks and 2 days old today. You were swaddled up in your swing today and when I unswaddled you I was shocked, you looked like you grew 2 inches in the 2 hours you were sleeping!!! I'm not sure how much you weigh these days but I'm guessing somewhere around 13 pounds. Probably more, but we'll just say 13 for now ;)
You have changed so much in these short 13 weeks of your life. I'm both sad and grateful that those times are over for us. You were definitely a hand full, and because of that I feel like I missed out of such a sweet stage of your life. I know you are still itty bitty compared to what you will grow up to be, but it's becoming more and more rare for you to sleep on my chest which is something that I will greatly miss!
You are mostly on a schedule... well it's more like a routine. You are sleeping SOO SOO good at night and I can't thank you enough for those 7-11 hours I get each and every night! Once you get up you eat, play for an hour 1/2 and then go back to sleep for about an hour. Once bedtime comes, daddy and I give you a bath (which you LOVE!!!) we turn the lights out and the fan on and you eat in the dark, burp, get swaddled and fall fast asleep. I love this routine with you. Mainly I love finally knowing why you cry during the day. You haven't cried for more than 10 mins. at a time in almost a month. IT IS WONDERFUL! 99% of the time I can make you stop crying, and the other 1% I'm either busy or your just whinnying so I let you cry.. sorry? You have changed so much from the child I took home from the hospital.
You have been holding you head up strong for a while now. The other day I got your jumping toy (the frog) out and put it together for you. Your feet come about 3 inches from touching the ground and your body gets swallowed up in the seat, but you love just hanging out and looking at the world. You now eat dinner with us sitting in your bumbo at the table with us. That is fun! Recently I found a cow (the ugliest thing I have ever seen)in a pile of stuff that was given to you. Its is suppose to hide an air freshener but I believe it might become your new favorite toy. You love to sit in your bumbo and have conversations with it.
I'm having a hard time taking my eyes off you these days. Not because I'm scared for you, or because you are getting into anything but because I love you so much. Watching you is my most favorite activity I have ever done. I love watching you learn, listening to you try and talk, and watching your silly facial expressions when something happens. You are such an amazement to me!
These are some of your favorite things at the moment:
-You have to be swaddled to fall into a deep sleep
-You will sleep in your swing for hours upon hours if swaddled and the heartbeat sound is playing.
-You love sitting up and looking around
-You love music of all kinds. During the day the radio is always on!
-YOU LOVE BATHS! I will put you in the tub and you will just look at me and smile for like 5 mins. straight. After that you get so excited and kick and coo and make all kind of funny faces. This is my favorite time with you!
-You love when dad carry's you around the house. He will just walk/pace the house and you have the most content look on your face.
-You usually always respond to a smile with a smile now. It makes my heart melt.
I hope by these letters to you, I can look back and remember how sweet of a time this was. I love you more and more each day, it's kind of ridiculous. Just when I think I couldn't possibly love you more, you go and do something to steal more of my heat. You are by far the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. Thank you for finally settling down, and allowing me to love you. I am enjoying these days with you more than I ever thought possible.
I love you Jessalynn Jean Taube!
Love, Mommy!
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
HELP!
I have no motivation. All of it has seemed to slip away and keeps running further and further. To start, I have absolutely no intention of changing my blog background despite my complete and udder dislike for my spools of ribbon picture. I mean really? Do I blog about being crafty? No. Do I even own a spool of ribbon in my house? ... Yes but only because it was on a gift at my baby shower. So why is the spool of ribbon my blog background image? Because i like the colors ok?? Get off my back ;)
Moving on, I have no motivation to clean the kitchen, do laundry, organize the office, hang pictures on the wall after living in this house for a year, or do anything else that sounds somewhat domestic today. Heck, the boys should consider themselves extremely lucky if they get dinner tonight.
On the other hand, I am holding myself from going and waking Jessa up from sleeping in her swing just so we can play. :) I rocked her asleep for her nap went to put her down so I could eat some lunch, she wasn't having it so I did the unthinkable... I put her down in her swing with the heart beat sound on... she is now KNOCKED OUT! I should be jumping for joy that I can actually be able to get things done, but now I'm so disappointed because I don't have an excuse anymore for being a completely lazy fool today!.... So I'll blog instead! (that's a priority right?)
I am absolutely loving my days home with Jessa. Somedays I could use a friend, but mainly I'm really enjoying our alone time together in a quiet house. Having an extra boy around the house really makes a difference. For example, the t.v. is on from 3:15-bedtime EVERY SINGLE DAY! It doesn't even matter if someone is watching it or not, it's on and usually on ESPN or some other show that I have absolutely no desire to watch. I've really tried to put my foot down these last couple of days because it is literally driving me up the wall! If you need background noise, turn on the radio, and for heaven's sake if you doing something else, with your headphones on, or in the other room... TURN IT OFF! sdlkfj;alskdjfl;askdj;flkjasd;lfkjsd;lkjf That's how I feel about it. I'm wondering if my all of a sudden hatred for t.v. is because it now gets turned on at 3:15 instead of 6, or if it's because Jessa if finally here and I don't want her growing up thinking that t.v. is the other way to be entertained. She has already started seeking out the t.v. when playing on the floor, and I try to entertain her in another room, but by golly this is her house too. I know I should probably loosen up a bit but I can't...
... This blog was interrupted, most likely but a crying child.
Moving on, I have no motivation to clean the kitchen, do laundry, organize the office, hang pictures on the wall after living in this house for a year, or do anything else that sounds somewhat domestic today. Heck, the boys should consider themselves extremely lucky if they get dinner tonight.
On the other hand, I am holding myself from going and waking Jessa up from sleeping in her swing just so we can play. :) I rocked her asleep for her nap went to put her down so I could eat some lunch, she wasn't having it so I did the unthinkable... I put her down in her swing with the heart beat sound on... she is now KNOCKED OUT! I should be jumping for joy that I can actually be able to get things done, but now I'm so disappointed because I don't have an excuse anymore for being a completely lazy fool today!.... So I'll blog instead! (that's a priority right?)
I am absolutely loving my days home with Jessa. Somedays I could use a friend, but mainly I'm really enjoying our alone time together in a quiet house. Having an extra boy around the house really makes a difference. For example, the t.v. is on from 3:15-bedtime EVERY SINGLE DAY! It doesn't even matter if someone is watching it or not, it's on and usually on ESPN or some other show that I have absolutely no desire to watch. I've really tried to put my foot down these last couple of days because it is literally driving me up the wall! If you need background noise, turn on the radio, and for heaven's sake if you doing something else, with your headphones on, or in the other room... TURN IT OFF! sdlkfj;alskdjfl;askdj;flkjasd;lfkjsd;lkjf That's how I feel about it. I'm wondering if my all of a sudden hatred for t.v. is because it now gets turned on at 3:15 instead of 6, or if it's because Jessa if finally here and I don't want her growing up thinking that t.v. is the other way to be entertained. She has already started seeking out the t.v. when playing on the floor, and I try to entertain her in another room, but by golly this is her house too. I know I should probably loosen up a bit but I can't...
... This blog was interrupted, most likely but a crying child.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Forever Changed
It's almost been a year since I became "forever changed." Having a child has by far been the greatest experience I have and will ever have. I would definitely say it triumphs my wedding and all other experiences that go along with that. That doesn't mean Nick takes the back burner, instead he takes the front seat because without him... a baby would not have been possible. We, myself and the man I will forever love more deeply than any earthly man, created a child. This child thrived and was nourished inside of me. I am still baffled at this idea every time my eyes meet the eyes of my child. "I created you."
(I feel like my head is going to explode it's going in so many different directions right now.)
I am, and will never again be, just Dayna. My life was Forever changed on March 1st, 2010. I no longer was only caring for myself but caring for a child as well. Before that date I had few cares in the world, but my biggest care was me. I slept when I wanted to sleep, I ate when I wanted to eat, I went where I wanted to go... I lived in an extremely selfish world, because I could. The thought of caring for another human being, one that totally relied on me was fascinating. I could do almost of the same things just with some limitations. October 28th, 2010 my world was turned completely upside down.
I would like to say I'm not complaining here, but maybe I am? Or maybe I'm just trying to sort out what it is I'm feeling? Whatever the case may be, I am completely and udderly amazed just how different life is with a child. She is my every thought and my every care. She not only controls when I eat, when I sleep and where I go but she also controls my emotions. When she laughs, I laugh. When she cries, it's hard not to cry along with her. She is my world, I would do anything for that little 13lbs. human. Do I miss those times where I could sleep in as late as I want to or go to gym without having to rush out the door because she needs to eat? Yes I do, more than I want to.
It's hard controlling you feelings into what you know you "should" or even want to be feeling. It is my greatest struggle as of lately. I can't figure out what to do about it. One thing I do know is that I can't hid it. Anyone who I can, I talk to about it because it's a huge burden that I can't seem to get rid of. I understand I am still in the Post-Postpartum stage, but it doesn't make it any easier knowing this.
I am striving to be the best wife, best mom, best sister, friend, relative... I don't want to waste this precious life I have been given doing things with an ungrateful heart... but I feel like that's where I am right now.
(I feel like my head is going to explode it's going in so many different directions right now.)
I am, and will never again be, just Dayna. My life was Forever changed on March 1st, 2010. I no longer was only caring for myself but caring for a child as well. Before that date I had few cares in the world, but my biggest care was me. I slept when I wanted to sleep, I ate when I wanted to eat, I went where I wanted to go... I lived in an extremely selfish world, because I could. The thought of caring for another human being, one that totally relied on me was fascinating. I could do almost of the same things just with some limitations. October 28th, 2010 my world was turned completely upside down.
I would like to say I'm not complaining here, but maybe I am? Or maybe I'm just trying to sort out what it is I'm feeling? Whatever the case may be, I am completely and udderly amazed just how different life is with a child. She is my every thought and my every care. She not only controls when I eat, when I sleep and where I go but she also controls my emotions. When she laughs, I laugh. When she cries, it's hard not to cry along with her. She is my world, I would do anything for that little 13lbs. human. Do I miss those times where I could sleep in as late as I want to or go to gym without having to rush out the door because she needs to eat? Yes I do, more than I want to.
It's hard controlling you feelings into what you know you "should" or even want to be feeling. It is my greatest struggle as of lately. I can't figure out what to do about it. One thing I do know is that I can't hid it. Anyone who I can, I talk to about it because it's a huge burden that I can't seem to get rid of. I understand I am still in the Post-Postpartum stage, but it doesn't make it any easier knowing this.
I am striving to be the best wife, best mom, best sister, friend, relative... I don't want to waste this precious life I have been given doing things with an ungrateful heart... but I feel like that's where I am right now.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Changes
The Taube household has and will continue to go through new changes in 2011. Where do I start?
I should probably start by changing my green/red christmas themed blog to something more appropriate. It's crazy to think that Christmas and New Years is just a thing of the past now.
Change #1: NEW YEAR! (duh!)
Happy 2011! It gives me butterflies in my stomach to see what kind of new adventures 2011 will bring! Before Nick and I were married I told him I wanted in a kid in 2010. I gave up that dream a while back realizing that it was never going to happen, but to my surprise God had other plans for me and filled my dream in 2010! While I don't have some crazy dream for this year, I know it will be filled with so many crazy adventures of being a new parents I can hardly wait! :)
Change #2: New and improved Mommy and Daughter
Jessa has improved her sleep habits and her attitude. :) She is happy 90% of the time she is awake now which has improved my attitude eminently! I no longer dread waking up in the morning, or feel the need to run screaming down the street and never return to my house. I am falling more and more in love with her every time she lays her eyes on me! She has started "cooing" but I prefer to call it talking. It so fun to watch, and soon I hope she will start talking to me, rather than just her lights on her toys! :) It's almost hard to put into words how much better I feel! I look back at the first 8 weeks of her life and really just don't want to remember them. Besides her birth, i'm not sure there is anything I want to remember from the first few weeks of her life. Awful, maybe? Truthful, Yes!
Change #3: Family of 4
Some of you have heard, others have not but in 2010 we became of Family of three and in 2011 we became a family of 4! Nick's brother (16) has moved in with us! It's going to be an adventure, that I know for sure. I can only hope and pray that we all have made the right decision regarding this change. We all will be experiencing new things as we learn to change, adapt and build our new lives around this situation.
Change#3.5: Home remodel
Ok, not really a remodel but I couldn't figure out what to call it. This weekend hopefully we are moving the office into the dining room so Jake can have his own room, and we can keep the guest room, well... the GUEST room :) It will be strange and definitely a change not to have someplace where I can do my internet surfing without interrupts (such as a t.v) but it's a very necessary move and because of that, I will live ;)
Potential Change#4: Weight Loss
This has got to be the year! That's pretty much the end of story. I say that after I consumed almost on my own a whole bag of Oreo Heads and Tails yesterday. ;) (they are AMAZING!) Anyway though. Pregnancy has added 10 lbs on me that I can seem to shed. I just went back to the gym on Wednesday and it couldn't have felt better. Nick and I have seemed to come up with a system of me going to the gym Mon/Wed/Fri. nights and him Tues/Thurs. until Jessa can go into their day care there. We will see how long this last. Anyway though, this weight has got to come off! The thought of becoming pregnant at my current weight... well it just can't happen. It can't even be a thought because it just CAN NOT happen! Hopefully, I can start cooking more regularly and healthy as well as get to the gym as much as possible. I'm extremely excited!
I think that's it. I'm sure there are other small changes occurring, as well as big changes that will continue to happen throughout the year, but overall I'm just excited about 2011. :)
I should probably start by changing my green/red christmas themed blog to something more appropriate. It's crazy to think that Christmas and New Years is just a thing of the past now.
Change #1: NEW YEAR! (duh!)
Happy 2011! It gives me butterflies in my stomach to see what kind of new adventures 2011 will bring! Before Nick and I were married I told him I wanted in a kid in 2010. I gave up that dream a while back realizing that it was never going to happen, but to my surprise God had other plans for me and filled my dream in 2010! While I don't have some crazy dream for this year, I know it will be filled with so many crazy adventures of being a new parents I can hardly wait! :)
Change #2: New and improved Mommy and Daughter
Jessa has improved her sleep habits and her attitude. :) She is happy 90% of the time she is awake now which has improved my attitude eminently! I no longer dread waking up in the morning, or feel the need to run screaming down the street and never return to my house. I am falling more and more in love with her every time she lays her eyes on me! She has started "cooing" but I prefer to call it talking. It so fun to watch, and soon I hope she will start talking to me, rather than just her lights on her toys! :) It's almost hard to put into words how much better I feel! I look back at the first 8 weeks of her life and really just don't want to remember them. Besides her birth, i'm not sure there is anything I want to remember from the first few weeks of her life. Awful, maybe? Truthful, Yes!
Change #3: Family of 4
Some of you have heard, others have not but in 2010 we became of Family of three and in 2011 we became a family of 4! Nick's brother (16) has moved in with us! It's going to be an adventure, that I know for sure. I can only hope and pray that we all have made the right decision regarding this change. We all will be experiencing new things as we learn to change, adapt and build our new lives around this situation.
Change#3.5: Home remodel
Ok, not really a remodel but I couldn't figure out what to call it. This weekend hopefully we are moving the office into the dining room so Jake can have his own room, and we can keep the guest room, well... the GUEST room :) It will be strange and definitely a change not to have someplace where I can do my internet surfing without interrupts (such as a t.v) but it's a very necessary move and because of that, I will live ;)
Potential Change#4: Weight Loss
This has got to be the year! That's pretty much the end of story. I say that after I consumed almost on my own a whole bag of Oreo Heads and Tails yesterday. ;) (they are AMAZING!) Anyway though. Pregnancy has added 10 lbs on me that I can seem to shed. I just went back to the gym on Wednesday and it couldn't have felt better. Nick and I have seemed to come up with a system of me going to the gym Mon/Wed/Fri. nights and him Tues/Thurs. until Jessa can go into their day care there. We will see how long this last. Anyway though, this weight has got to come off! The thought of becoming pregnant at my current weight... well it just can't happen. It can't even be a thought because it just CAN NOT happen! Hopefully, I can start cooking more regularly and healthy as well as get to the gym as much as possible. I'm extremely excited!
I think that's it. I'm sure there are other small changes occurring, as well as big changes that will continue to happen throughout the year, but overall I'm just excited about 2011. :)
Dear Jessa, (2.5months)
(Dear blog readers: This is a rather boring blog. Don't say you weren't warned!)
Dear Jessalynn Jean,
I'm not sure it's ever going to get old saying your name. During the pregnancy I wasn't 100% sure that Jessa would fit, but Daddy and I had agreed upon it and every time I asked him "do you still like Jessa for a girl?" he always replied "yes." We knew we wanted Lynn in your name as well because I just really loved the way it sounded. A few weeks before you were born I approached Dad and said "I really don't think we are having a girl, BUT if we do I've decided I really want her name to be Jessalynn instead of Jessa Lynn." He agreed, along with your middle name being Jean and you came out Jessalynn Jean Taube. I told Uncle Jake the other day it going to be really fun to yell at you someday because you have so many syllables in your name. :)
Enough about your name! You are 10 weeks old as of yesterday! You have changed so much in the last few weeks I have trouble even talking about it. You took your first plane ride on Christmas Eve! Daddy and I (but mostly I) spent about 2 whole days packing for our trip because we didn't want to forget anything! We (but mostly I) was worried on how this trip was going to go. We flew into Chicago and you were the most well behaved baby in the whole entire world! You slept mostly the whole way there, woke up to be changed and eat and then went back to sleep. Grandma and Uncle Zac picked us up at the airport, and you slept most of the way back to Grandma/Grandpa's house. You were amazing! Thank you! The next few days were absolutely wonderful as well. You started sleeping about 9 hours at night, ahhh it felt so good! You were very unsure of the mass amounts of people that wanted to hold you at first, but you soon warmed up to each and every one of them. You continued to enjoy the rest of our Indiana trip in Richmond. I was going to list everyone you met on your Indiana trip, but decided it would probably take too long. Lets just say the number is probably way over 50! and the amount of stuff you received was extreme as well! Our flight home, you had a pretty bad tummy ache. I took you to the bathroom on the plane to change you so I could go back and fed you, but when we got back to our seat you pooped your pants and I had to go change you again, clothes included. You ate but then continued you cry afterward. Overall, you weren't awful, but we had no where near as good of a time as we had the first flight. :) Other than experiencing your flight plane ride, and meeting more people than you can possibly imagine you also got to see your first snow, and you even sat in it! Overall, we had an amazing trip :) Thank you!
We got back to Houston on January 4th. When we came home you would not let daddy or I put you down. You had to continuously be held until you finally fell asleep. Every time we would put you down you would start looking around with a scared/puzzled look on your face and then start crying. We think you were just trying to adjust and remember that this is your home.
Uncle Jake came to live with us the day we returned to. You haven't quite warmed up to him yet, but I can tell he's very in love with you so I'm sure you will soon become best of friends with him. :)
Jessa, the last few days have been absolutely amazing with you, which is why I have decided to write you this letter. You are pretty much sleeping through the night, have established your own little schedule and have almost completely stopped crying for no reason at all. We have have 2 near perfect days together and I have fallen more in love with you every second that goes by. Yesterday I put you in your swing so I could eat some lunch. I noticed a strange sound coming from your swing and when I looked over at you to see what it was, you were making a clicking sound with your tongue. Over and over you just kept clicking! I could have watched and listened to that all day. It amazes me how fast you are growing and learning. Later I sat you in your blue bumbo seat for the first time. Your head control is amazing, but I was still somewhat supporting you just in case. Once I sat you in your chair you looked at me and smiled a huge smile! My heart completely melted. You are going to be sitting up on your own in no time! At night you were starting to get alittle bit cranky and it wasn't quite bedtime yet so I decided to give you a bath. I set you in your crib to run your bath water and turned your mobile on. As I was running your water I noticed you had stopped crying and started talking. I came to look at you and you were just very contently watching the characters and lighted stars move around in a circle. You have never before looked at them! It's amazing what kind of new things you can find if you open your eyes!
You have been talking non-stop the last few days. I find myself reaching for the video camera alot trying to capture these moments because I know they will soon just be memories. I am so proud of you already, I can't imagine what I will feel when you win your first sports game, or perform at your first dance recital. :)
Overall, I am so glad we are over crying nonstop all day long. I looked at some videos of you today, and as much as I loved seeing you so little I hope those memories I have from those days where I couldn't do anything to make you happy will fade away and I will only remember the days like today where I can't help but smile when I look at you all day long.
You bring such joy to my life!
Love, Mommy!
Dear Jessalynn Jean,
I'm not sure it's ever going to get old saying your name. During the pregnancy I wasn't 100% sure that Jessa would fit, but Daddy and I had agreed upon it and every time I asked him "do you still like Jessa for a girl?" he always replied "yes." We knew we wanted Lynn in your name as well because I just really loved the way it sounded. A few weeks before you were born I approached Dad and said "I really don't think we are having a girl, BUT if we do I've decided I really want her name to be Jessalynn instead of Jessa Lynn." He agreed, along with your middle name being Jean and you came out Jessalynn Jean Taube. I told Uncle Jake the other day it going to be really fun to yell at you someday because you have so many syllables in your name. :)
Enough about your name! You are 10 weeks old as of yesterday! You have changed so much in the last few weeks I have trouble even talking about it. You took your first plane ride on Christmas Eve! Daddy and I (but mostly I) spent about 2 whole days packing for our trip because we didn't want to forget anything! We (but mostly I) was worried on how this trip was going to go. We flew into Chicago and you were the most well behaved baby in the whole entire world! You slept mostly the whole way there, woke up to be changed and eat and then went back to sleep. Grandma and Uncle Zac picked us up at the airport, and you slept most of the way back to Grandma/Grandpa's house. You were amazing! Thank you! The next few days were absolutely wonderful as well. You started sleeping about 9 hours at night, ahhh it felt so good! You were very unsure of the mass amounts of people that wanted to hold you at first, but you soon warmed up to each and every one of them. You continued to enjoy the rest of our Indiana trip in Richmond. I was going to list everyone you met on your Indiana trip, but decided it would probably take too long. Lets just say the number is probably way over 50! and the amount of stuff you received was extreme as well! Our flight home, you had a pretty bad tummy ache. I took you to the bathroom on the plane to change you so I could go back and fed you, but when we got back to our seat you pooped your pants and I had to go change you again, clothes included. You ate but then continued you cry afterward. Overall, you weren't awful, but we had no where near as good of a time as we had the first flight. :) Other than experiencing your flight plane ride, and meeting more people than you can possibly imagine you also got to see your first snow, and you even sat in it! Overall, we had an amazing trip :) Thank you!
We got back to Houston on January 4th. When we came home you would not let daddy or I put you down. You had to continuously be held until you finally fell asleep. Every time we would put you down you would start looking around with a scared/puzzled look on your face and then start crying. We think you were just trying to adjust and remember that this is your home.
Uncle Jake came to live with us the day we returned to. You haven't quite warmed up to him yet, but I can tell he's very in love with you so I'm sure you will soon become best of friends with him. :)
Jessa, the last few days have been absolutely amazing with you, which is why I have decided to write you this letter. You are pretty much sleeping through the night, have established your own little schedule and have almost completely stopped crying for no reason at all. We have have 2 near perfect days together and I have fallen more in love with you every second that goes by. Yesterday I put you in your swing so I could eat some lunch. I noticed a strange sound coming from your swing and when I looked over at you to see what it was, you were making a clicking sound with your tongue. Over and over you just kept clicking! I could have watched and listened to that all day. It amazes me how fast you are growing and learning. Later I sat you in your blue bumbo seat for the first time. Your head control is amazing, but I was still somewhat supporting you just in case. Once I sat you in your chair you looked at me and smiled a huge smile! My heart completely melted. You are going to be sitting up on your own in no time! At night you were starting to get alittle bit cranky and it wasn't quite bedtime yet so I decided to give you a bath. I set you in your crib to run your bath water and turned your mobile on. As I was running your water I noticed you had stopped crying and started talking. I came to look at you and you were just very contently watching the characters and lighted stars move around in a circle. You have never before looked at them! It's amazing what kind of new things you can find if you open your eyes!
You have been talking non-stop the last few days. I find myself reaching for the video camera alot trying to capture these moments because I know they will soon just be memories. I am so proud of you already, I can't imagine what I will feel when you win your first sports game, or perform at your first dance recital. :)
Overall, I am so glad we are over crying nonstop all day long. I looked at some videos of you today, and as much as I loved seeing you so little I hope those memories I have from those days where I couldn't do anything to make you happy will fade away and I will only remember the days like today where I can't help but smile when I look at you all day long.
You bring such joy to my life!
Love, Mommy!
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