Forever Changed

It's almost been a year since I became "forever changed." Having a child has by far been the greatest experience I have and will ever have. I would definitely say it triumphs my wedding and all other experiences that go along with that. That doesn't mean Nick takes the back burner, instead he takes the front seat because without him... a baby would not have been possible. We, myself and the man I will forever love more deeply than any earthly man, created a child. This child thrived and was nourished inside of me. I am still baffled at this idea every time my eyes meet the eyes of my child. "I created you."

(I feel like my head is going to explode it's going in so many different directions right now.)

I am, and will never again be, just Dayna. My life was Forever changed on March 1st, 2010. I no longer was only caring for myself but caring for a child as well. Before that date I had few cares in the world, but my biggest care was me. I slept when I wanted to sleep, I ate when I wanted to eat, I went where I wanted to go... I lived in an extremely selfish world, because I could. The thought of caring for another human being, one that totally relied on me was fascinating. I could do almost of the same things just with some limitations. October 28th, 2010 my world was turned completely upside down.

I would like to say I'm not complaining here, but maybe I am? Or maybe I'm just trying to sort out what it is I'm feeling? Whatever the case may be, I am completely and udderly amazed just how different life is with a child. She is my every thought and my every care. She not only controls when I eat, when I sleep and where I go but she also controls my emotions. When she laughs, I laugh. When she cries, it's hard not to cry along with her. She is my world, I would do anything for that little 13lbs. human. Do I miss those times where I could sleep in as late as I want to or go to gym without having to rush out the door because she needs to eat? Yes I do, more than I want to.

It's hard controlling you feelings into what you know you "should" or even want to be feeling. It is my greatest struggle as of lately. I can't figure out what to do about it. One thing I do know is that I can't hid it. Anyone who I can, I talk to about it because it's a huge burden that I can't seem to get rid of. I understand I am still in the Post-Postpartum stage, but it doesn't make it any easier knowing this.

I am striving to be the best wife, best mom, best sister, friend, relative... I don't want to waste this precious life I have been given doing things with an ungrateful heart... but I feel like that's where I am right now.