Jessa has been sleeping for about an hour and 1/2, and Nick is on his way home, so I don't have time to write but I feel like I need to. I'm extremely pissed at the world today. I'm trying to tell myself it's just "one of those days" and I really hope it is because I don't want to be traveling with a two month old with this attitude. I could probably sit here and tell you exactly what is bothering me and why is it bothering me and what I should do about it, but the reality is I can't get my mind set straight. I'm a pretty smart girl and although I don't have a degree in Psychology I know the area fairly well. What frustrates me the most is I know exactly what is going on with me, but can't control it. I can't control my thoughts, and that's where I start to feel helpless. (I should probably state, that I am no way having thoughts of harming myself of the baby, that's important to throw out there.) But I'm having trouble being excited to go Home... ya you read that right! I'm extremely stressed about the situation, and have found when I get over stressed I stop thinking about it completely and then BAM I have tomorrow to start thinking about it, which only stresses me out more. The changes that are happening on our return to Houston is really paying a toll on me as well. I can sit here, put a smile on my face, tell you I'm doing the right thing, believe I'm doing the right thing way deep down, but my thoughts of complete and udder chaos won't leave. I think I just hit the nail on the head.
"CHAOS" that explains it all. I feel like my life has completely turned into chaos and while I'm trying to straighten out the details with having a new baby I get slammed into another wall. I'm really not sure my brain can function at this level. All my crazy neurons are firing but are not producing anything but panic.
I truly believe I need to sit back and relax and trust that God is holding my hand and will walk me though this. I'm just not sure how to make that happen. I can't slow down enough to take a deep breath. I got tired of slapping a smile on my face and realized I needed to be realistic about what was going on with my thoughts and emotions, well here I am. I don't know how much more real I could get.... But what do I do now?
Nick is wonderful, don't get me wrong but for some strange reason that I'm for sure I will never find the answer to God made men completely different than us females. They don't think the same way we do, complete tasks the same way we do, rationalize the same way we do... they are just different. I find myself looking at Nick and realizing that he is looking back at me thinking "You wanted a baby, she is here... why are you a complete mess?" Who knows if that's what he is really thinking, but have you ever tried to explain to a man why you think the way you do... you get no where! I wish he understood me, I wish he was more sympathetic, I wish he was more romantic and whispered sweet nothings into my ear all the time. But the truth is he is probably just as stressed out as me, if not more and just has a different way of dealing with it. So for now we are just being individuals, which is probably the worst thing we could do. I feel like though, if we took on each other burdens right now, we would both drown and not survive. (This is a really dark blog entry!)
How do I end this really depressing entry? I suppose I end it with... through all the stress I am feeling I'm more than excited to see my parents and brother and sisters in law. I can't wait to show off Jessa to all of my friends and family. There is something about the way people's eyes light up with a new baby around. It is the sweetest most genuine look a person can give. It tickles my heart and I am forgive grateful that I get to carry MY child around seeing that look in people's eyes.
I really do know that everything will be ok, and that some things just need time but it would be really nice to feel sane right about now. On that note, I am dressed and ready to head out when Nick gets home. I need some time alone, not alone time with a sleeping baby, but alone time where I can just be me and not mom or wife. Nick doesn't know this yet, but I'm sure he will be thrilled :) He really is wonderful, sometimes we just don't see eye to eye on things... ok a lot of the time.
I should probably make sure I write a post before Christmas Day because this one is just not "christmas spirit filled." Maybe tonight I should write Jessa another note... yes I think I should make that happen! :)
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Friday, December 17, 2010
Indiana
So my brother sent this song to me, and of course... it made me cry. Here are the lyrics...
"The moonlight shines on a sycamore
And now they are calling to me
In the city its snowing
THe sidewalks blowing
But there's somewhere I'd rather be
Thousands of people all walking by
But Somehow I'm still alone
I'm gonna spend winter my way
Again on the highway
I'm ready to find a way home
Indiana, thats where I'm going
This time of year you know how I feel
Indiana, thats where I'm going
Where Christmas will always be real
We'll build up the fire tell a story or two
With good friends we always invite
The old and the young come together as one
and we sing into the night
Indiana, thats where I'm going
This time of year you know how I feel
Indiana, thats where I'm going
Where Christmas will always be real
And I remember those who are gone
looking down on my home from above
Deep in December its where I belong
Sharing the days with the ones who I love"
I CAN NOT believe I'm actually going home for Christmas. Even though Jessa won't remember it at all, i'm so excited to drag along the video camera capturing her first moments in my "home." Even though I own a house for some reason I feel like 888 N 400 E will always be my home. Maybe after I spend 18 solid years in a place I will start to call that home, but there's a part of my heart that just can't quite calling it home. Ever since March I knew I wasn't going to get to spend Christmas the way I have for the last 23 years. At first I was sad, but then I just kinda put it into my head that it wasn't going to happen and that was that. Nick and I had discussed how nice it will be to spend out first Christmas as a family of 3 alone in our house... and then craziness happened. I'm not sure exactly what happened, all I can tell you is we have flights for the 24th of December and my heart is so happy I just can't even begin to explain :)
God is so good, everything I want to write about just falls back onto that statement. I can't wait to celebrate Jesus' birth... that's all for tonight.
"The moonlight shines on a sycamore
And now they are calling to me
In the city its snowing
THe sidewalks blowing
But there's somewhere I'd rather be
Thousands of people all walking by
But Somehow I'm still alone
I'm gonna spend winter my way
Again on the highway
I'm ready to find a way home
Indiana, thats where I'm going
This time of year you know how I feel
Indiana, thats where I'm going
Where Christmas will always be real
We'll build up the fire tell a story or two
With good friends we always invite
The old and the young come together as one
and we sing into the night
Indiana, thats where I'm going
This time of year you know how I feel
Indiana, thats where I'm going
Where Christmas will always be real
And I remember those who are gone
looking down on my home from above
Deep in December its where I belong
Sharing the days with the ones who I love"
I CAN NOT believe I'm actually going home for Christmas. Even though Jessa won't remember it at all, i'm so excited to drag along the video camera capturing her first moments in my "home." Even though I own a house for some reason I feel like 888 N 400 E will always be my home. Maybe after I spend 18 solid years in a place I will start to call that home, but there's a part of my heart that just can't quite calling it home. Ever since March I knew I wasn't going to get to spend Christmas the way I have for the last 23 years. At first I was sad, but then I just kinda put it into my head that it wasn't going to happen and that was that. Nick and I had discussed how nice it will be to spend out first Christmas as a family of 3 alone in our house... and then craziness happened. I'm not sure exactly what happened, all I can tell you is we have flights for the 24th of December and my heart is so happy I just can't even begin to explain :)
God is so good, everything I want to write about just falls back onto that statement. I can't wait to celebrate Jesus' birth... that's all for tonight.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Mommyhood
I just experienced maybe one of my most favorite moments of being a mom thus far. Jessa just started throwing a huge fit. I had her in the moby trying to get some housework done and just got tired of carrying her around because quite frankly you might as well not even do housework when you are carrying a child in the moby with little head support.... Now i'm getting side tracked!
Jessa started throwing a fit. For the first time, ever maybe it didn't bother me. I knew she was ok so I just let her scream for a few mins. After I felt like she screamed for long enough I picked her up, went and swaddled her and rocked her to sleep. This has never happened before! When she is crying she usually is uncontrollable! To watch her go from screaming to alert to sleepy to sleeping in my arms was such an amazing feeling. I could tell she felt safe just to be with me. I loved it :)
Just thought I would share, and take a min. to jot this memory down :)
Jessa started throwing a fit. For the first time, ever maybe it didn't bother me. I knew she was ok so I just let her scream for a few mins. After I felt like she screamed for long enough I picked her up, went and swaddled her and rocked her to sleep. This has never happened before! When she is crying she usually is uncontrollable! To watch her go from screaming to alert to sleepy to sleeping in my arms was such an amazing feeling. I could tell she felt safe just to be with me. I loved it :)
Just thought I would share, and take a min. to jot this memory down :)
Monday, December 13, 2010
Jessa-Dates (like updates, get it? HA!)
So just in case anyone was wondering how wonderful and amazing my daughter is I decided I would let you know.
Jessa at 6 weeks 4 days:
*Her bad days are awful and her good days are wonderful
*She still is crying from about 5-10 everynight (except for tonight!)
*It's hard to take pictures of a crying child, hints why I haven't taken very many
*She weights a little over 12 lbs! and mom tells me I have to stop calling her "Chubs, and Chubby Cheeks" "Sqeekazoid" has gone too, but I'm sure I'll come up with some other annoying nickname
*She is now wearing size 2 diapers (12-18lbs) HOLY COW!
*Her head is amazingly strong and she is already lifting it at a 90 degree angle!
*She slept in her crib for the first time last night! WAHOOO!!!
*When she is not crying I am so madly in love with her it's so ridiculous I can't even put it into words.
*When she is crying, I have to practice A LOT of self control :)
*She loves the bath more than anything and is almost non-fail at making her settle down when she is crying.
*She's still eating every 2 hours, except at night where she sleep from 11:30-4:30 almost non-fail everynight.
*She has starting smiling and laughing, unfortunately those moments are rare but when they happen it steals my breath away.
*She has skyped with more people than she has actually meet I think :)
*She has already taken mom (me) to the ER, and been admitted to the ER
*I have no idea what color her eyes will be. I thought brown but they look more and more grey everyday.
*She lets me put clips and bows in her hair, but when she starts to cry she rips them out.
*When she is really angry she grabs a chunk of her hair and pulls really hard and makes herself cry harder. (I try and ungrasp her hand but to no avail)
*Nick swears her favorite song is "Georgia" by Ludacris...........
*For a long time I put her to sleep by listening to "River Flows in You" by Yiruma (it's just piano!) I LOVE IT!
*We have spent more money on her than I could have ever imagined, yet somehow she still needs more clothes
That's all for now. Despite her being completely uncontrollable at times I really do love her so much, and I think she is the prettiest girl in the whole wide world!
Jessa at 6 weeks 4 days:
*Her bad days are awful and her good days are wonderful
*She still is crying from about 5-10 everynight (except for tonight!)
*It's hard to take pictures of a crying child, hints why I haven't taken very many
*She weights a little over 12 lbs! and mom tells me I have to stop calling her "Chubs, and Chubby Cheeks" "Sqeekazoid" has gone too, but I'm sure I'll come up with some other annoying nickname
*She is now wearing size 2 diapers (12-18lbs) HOLY COW!
*Her head is amazingly strong and she is already lifting it at a 90 degree angle!
*She slept in her crib for the first time last night! WAHOOO!!!
*When she is not crying I am so madly in love with her it's so ridiculous I can't even put it into words.
*When she is crying, I have to practice A LOT of self control :)
*She loves the bath more than anything and is almost non-fail at making her settle down when she is crying.
*She's still eating every 2 hours, except at night where she sleep from 11:30-4:30 almost non-fail everynight.
*She has starting smiling and laughing, unfortunately those moments are rare but when they happen it steals my breath away.
*She has skyped with more people than she has actually meet I think :)
*She has already taken mom (me) to the ER, and been admitted to the ER
*I have no idea what color her eyes will be. I thought brown but they look more and more grey everyday.
*She lets me put clips and bows in her hair, but when she starts to cry she rips them out.
*When she is really angry she grabs a chunk of her hair and pulls really hard and makes herself cry harder. (I try and ungrasp her hand but to no avail)
*Nick swears her favorite song is "Georgia" by Ludacris...........
*For a long time I put her to sleep by listening to "River Flows in You" by Yiruma (it's just piano!) I LOVE IT!
*We have spent more money on her than I could have ever imagined, yet somehow she still needs more clothes
That's all for now. Despite her being completely uncontrollable at times I really do love her so much, and I think she is the prettiest girl in the whole wide world!
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
I feel the need to tell you about my morning.
Not because it's interesting in the least, and not because it's been bad or good I merely just don't know what else to do, and have I mentioned I LOVE the times I get to type on a keyboard with two hands???
Jessa goes to bed at 11:30
Jessa gets up at 4:30
Jessa eats at 4:30-5:30 with eyes closed
Jessa is done eating, eyes pop wide open
Jessa-1 Mom-0
Jessa gets swept around the house, bouncing, swinging, kicking screaming, basically anything that will hopefully eventually wear her out... no such luck
Jessa then gets put in bed with Dad at 5:30 because I am now starving from my leaping around the house
Jessa-2 Mom& Dad-0
Jessa is swaddled at 6 and rocked to sleep, all while I pray it will be a long deep sleep :)
Jessa makes ungodly noises from her bassinet beside my bed all while still "sleeping"
Jessa decided to fully wake up at 8, giving me approximately an hour of restless sleep
Jessa-3 Mom-0
Jessa feeds again, swaddled again
Jessa gets cuddled in my bed with me, and will sleep ONLY if the paci is in her mouth, which falls out every 10 mins...
Jessa-4 Mom-0 (are you seeing the pattern?)
Jessa now has slept apoxmitly the whole morning, all because I needed some rest.
The story goes on to say that I finally gave up on sleeping. We has some play time, I convinced myself it's going to be ok living off a total of 20 hours of sleep FOR THE WHOLE WEEK! So she eats again... and what do you know. Falls in a completely deep sleep. Here I am completely wide eyed and bushy tailed and she is passed out. I would love to take a nap but am sure I will get my hopes up only to lay down in bed and get my dreams of an hour of peaceful sleep crushed. I could eat lunch, WITH TWO HANDS, but for some reason that doesn't sound very appealing either.
So with this precious time I have decide to throw myself a mini pity party and blog about it :)
The End!
Jessa goes to bed at 11:30
Jessa gets up at 4:30
Jessa eats at 4:30-5:30 with eyes closed
Jessa is done eating, eyes pop wide open
Jessa-1 Mom-0
Jessa gets swept around the house, bouncing, swinging, kicking screaming, basically anything that will hopefully eventually wear her out... no such luck
Jessa then gets put in bed with Dad at 5:30 because I am now starving from my leaping around the house
Jessa-2 Mom& Dad-0
Jessa is swaddled at 6 and rocked to sleep, all while I pray it will be a long deep sleep :)
Jessa makes ungodly noises from her bassinet beside my bed all while still "sleeping"
Jessa decided to fully wake up at 8, giving me approximately an hour of restless sleep
Jessa-3 Mom-0
Jessa feeds again, swaddled again
Jessa gets cuddled in my bed with me, and will sleep ONLY if the paci is in her mouth, which falls out every 10 mins...
Jessa-4 Mom-0 (are you seeing the pattern?)
Jessa now has slept apoxmitly the whole morning, all because I needed some rest.
The story goes on to say that I finally gave up on sleeping. We has some play time, I convinced myself it's going to be ok living off a total of 20 hours of sleep FOR THE WHOLE WEEK! So she eats again... and what do you know. Falls in a completely deep sleep. Here I am completely wide eyed and bushy tailed and she is passed out. I would love to take a nap but am sure I will get my hopes up only to lay down in bed and get my dreams of an hour of peaceful sleep crushed. I could eat lunch, WITH TWO HANDS, but for some reason that doesn't sound very appealing either.
So with this precious time I have decide to throw myself a mini pity party and blog about it :)
The End!
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
A quiet house
It is incredible the difference in my mood when Jessa has a "good day." The morning was a bit rocky waking up to find Jessa vomited in her sleep last night. After our melt down last night we tried to give her formula because I felt I just wasn't producing enough for her. Well last week I gave her a bit of formula too because I was running out the door and didn't have time to feed. She projectile vomited that about an hour after eating. Thinking it was just a fluke I gave some more to her last night... and I wake up to find her and everything around her covered in puke. Can you say bye bye formula for good?? So scary. I really hope that if she would have choked I would have heard her, but how could I have no heard her puke when she is sleeping right next to me?? ANYWAY... I think yesterday really wore her out because she has been sleeping pretty much the whole day. It's noon and I was finally able to put her to sleep somewhere other than my arms which is an incredible feeling for me! I feel so... free! I'm sitting at my computer, typing with TWO hands, eating lunch and drinking coffee... ahhhh!! I"M ONE HAPPY MAMA!
So I was reading about this today...
http://www.coliccalm.com/
I'm thinking that I may just have to take a trip to CVS tonight. Especially because after last nights boil-a-ton I melted her eye dropper measuring thing. WHOOOOOPS! So, I will have to invest in another one of those. My Goodness she is incredibly expensive!!
And lastly... To add on top of everything else in the book of newborn misfortune, Jessa has a pretty awful case of Baby Acne. Why does God do this to them? BAHHH! As much as I have been praising God for giving me a beautiful child... WHO SMILED AT ME FOR THE FIRST TIME TODAY! :) (yes I thanked him for that too) But I have also questioned him MANY MANY MANY times thus far. Like why, when a mom is already going through so much do you add screaming into the mix... or why when that screaming baby won't stop you give them acne so there cuteness factor drops. Doesn't make sense to me.
As much as I know I need to cherish this squishy time I have with her, I'm looking forward to the months when things (hopefully) slow down and stop being so stressful!
and with all that said... she is now awake. DANG IT. Alone time was so short lived! :(
So I was reading about this today...
http://www.coliccalm.com/
I'm thinking that I may just have to take a trip to CVS tonight. Especially because after last nights boil-a-ton I melted her eye dropper measuring thing. WHOOOOOPS! So, I will have to invest in another one of those. My Goodness she is incredibly expensive!!
And lastly... To add on top of everything else in the book of newborn misfortune, Jessa has a pretty awful case of Baby Acne. Why does God do this to them? BAHHH! As much as I have been praising God for giving me a beautiful child... WHO SMILED AT ME FOR THE FIRST TIME TODAY! :) (yes I thanked him for that too) But I have also questioned him MANY MANY MANY times thus far. Like why, when a mom is already going through so much do you add screaming into the mix... or why when that screaming baby won't stop you give them acne so there cuteness factor drops. Doesn't make sense to me.
As much as I know I need to cherish this squishy time I have with her, I'm looking forward to the months when things (hopefully) slow down and stop being so stressful!
and with all that said... she is now awake. DANG IT. Alone time was so short lived! :(
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